The Mom Life Chronicles: Accepting "No" From Your Kids

I could feel my face turning red as I felt the last bit of patience seeping from my body. I was just so tired. I had spent the night tossing and turning after being suddenly awakened at 3am by my thirsty three year old daughter who then couldn't settle down to sleep for a solid hour. There's something about being woken up in the early hours of the morning between 3-5am that makes you feel like one hour of missed sleep equals three. I still remember the feeling well from the newborn stage.

Even worse, my day had not gone well. I am working from home, both a blessing and a curse. This particular day I had a long list of things to get done but somehow I ended the day with a longer list than what I started with. On good days, the kids play together independently for most of the morning mostly interrupting me to ask for snacks or out of boredom. The latter just required me to come up with some new activity to keep them entertained for a bit longer. Don't get me wrong. Even the good days are hard.

In exchange for the valuable hours of work they let me have I am usually greeted with a home turned upside down from their (mostly) unsupervised free play at the end of the day. This means every towel and blanket pulled from the linen closet and spread out throughout the living room, turned into makeshift forts. The bathroom counter covered in soapy water and the sink filled with toys my daughter decided at some point were dirty and needed a bath. Still, the end of day cleanup is usually a small price to pay for their cooperation in letting me get some work done.

The bad days...well, they're the stuff nightmares are made of. At least for mothers working from home. On bad days, there is no amount of play-doh, toys, Netflix, snacks, craft kits...nothing...that can convince the kids to give me some time to work. On bad days, I'm lucky to respond to a few emails. This day was a bad day.

My five year old son has taken a liking to setting boundaries at the most inconvenient times. By boundaries I mean firmly and clearly stating what he isn't willing to do and usually it's the opposite of what's being asked of him. To be fair, my husband and I encourage the kids to set healthy boundaries. Growing up, I was given little voice in what was done to or around me. I was taught to do as I was told and if something or someone made me feel uncomfortable I had little say in changing it. It wasn't until I was a young woman that I realized how ill equipped I was to say no to anything. I ignored and accepted red flags in friendships, relationships, at work because I didn't know I had the option to "opt out" of things that didn't make me feel good.

All this to say, the word "no" is not forbidden in our house. Of course, that doesn't always mean it's welcomed.

"No," my son repeated when I told him once again it was time to take a bath. "I didn't go outside today so I don't need to take a bath."

I drew in a deep sharp breath. I had a house to clean. Dinner was in an hour. I needed him in the bath...now. In that moment, I could feel the tension rise between us as it often does when two people are at odds. It's during moments like this when being the parent I want to be feels impossible. It's during these moments that I feel inundated with thoughts that can only be attributed to the way my mother raised me: How dare he tell me no? I am his mother. He needs to listen to me. He needs to do what I say. How little credit we give our childhood until we realize it's shaped our entire conscience.

So there I was. In a Mexican standoff with my five year old son. Me asking...him not budging. I paused to think of the answer he had given me and realized how little consideration I had given the logic that followed his blatant refusal to do as I had asked. He was right, he hadn't gone outside that day. How many times before had I told him that he had to take a bath, especially on days he played outside, to wash the playground mulch out of his curls and the dirt from under his nails? Of course he understood that to mean a bath was only needed on those days.

"You're right," I said. "You didn't go outside today. There are times though you have to take a bath even if you didn't play outside. Like when you get messy eating. Also, what if you didn't play outside for a week? Does that mean you wouldn't take a bath for a week?" I asked widening my eyes for the dramatic effect. His face instantly changed from a stubborn expression to a smile thinking of how silly it sounded not to bathe for a week.

"No. My pits would stink." He said laughing. I laughed too. I could feel the tug of war I had felt happening between my sanity and my temper slowly begin to dissipate.

"Right. So maybe you should take a bath if your pits stink." I said, offering a compromise. He laughed again, lifting his arms to take a sniff. He shrugged.

"No stinky pits." He said. I smiled knowing he meant it.

"Then no bath today." And just like that, I accepted his "no" and he learned he can say it without fear of punishment.

A good end to a not so good day.

**Thank you for reading :-) I would love to share more stories about parenting, mom life, and all the challenges and lessons learned in a series called "The Mom Life Chronicles." Drop a heart if you want to read more!***