The Inner Critic, or how your Parents' Critical Voice turns into your Voice. The solutions to find our Balance

We all know what it's like to be criticized: harsh, accusatory or unappreciative words can make us angry, scared, saddened or hurt. These emotional experiences can cause us to have different defensive reactions in front of the person who criticizes us. We can avoid it, argue with it, or feel overwhelmed by helplessness or hopelessness. These things are easy to identify coming from an interlocutor, but when he is invisible, hidden and even represents a part of us, things are more complicated. What do we do with the inner critic?

How the inner critic appears and forms

As we develop our consciousness, we begin to shape our own inner voice and view of the world around us and of others, as well as how we see ourselves.

This voice guides us, evaluates our actions, conveys information about what we feel, helps us integrate into society and develop relationships with others.

Our inner voice is shaped and internalized from childhood and is shaped by our parents or caregivers and how they relate to us.

If parents will often relate to us with gentleness and understanding, attention and care, we will look at ourselves in the same way. But even when they look at or talk to us critically, harshly, disinterestedly or selfishly, we will take on these aspects, developing our inner critic.

For example, if we hear often enough: "you're lazy / you're not good enough / others are more capable than you / if you cry it means you're weak", from a certain moment, usually when we try to evaluate ourselves, the way where we will think about ourselves will be: "I'm lazy/ I'm not good enough/ everyone else is better than me/ I don't have to cry so I'm not weak". Their critical voice will become their own critical voice.

What is the purpose of the inner critic

Those who raise us are most of the time well-intentioned, but they end up being critical of us either without realizing it, or out of the belief that this is the only way they will educate us to be able to adapt to life and society. They want us to be the best, to succeed, to be happy, to learn to fight, but the result is the undermining of our confidence, the acquisition of the inner critic that will grow over time and self-sabotage.

Internalizing the critical voice is a way of adapting to the difficult situations we go through, its purpose being to prevent ending up in the same painful situations.

At the moment it helps us overcome difficulties, it activates our sympathetic nervous system, the one that triggers the fight, flight or freeze defense reactions. But in the long run, the inner critic keeps our beliefs dysfunctional, keeps us stressed, and consumes our energy and internal resources in an attempt to cope.

How do we realize that we are criticizing ourselves?

The presence of the critical voice is most often signaled by the negative thoughts and emotions it generates. When we think critically about ourselves, we may not immediately notice clearly that we are doing so, but we may feel internal discomfort: lack of energy, irritability, disappointment in oneself, intense fear or despair .

Other times we don't notice our inner critic, but we feel guilty, ashamed, or insecure about ourselves. We can notice the presence of the critical voice also by the behaviors we have: we feel like distracting ourselves from the suffering generated by the critic through self-soothing activities such as those of the addictive type.

“I used to drink so I could feel good when I went out. On the one hand I wanted to socialize, on the other hand I was afraid to expose myself, I didn't talk much, I would sit in a corner and get anxious when everyone asked me what I was up to.

The truth is that I thought that I had nothing interesting to say, that no one would "waste" their time listening to me, and I felt an immense fear of being laughed at when attention was directed to me. Later in therapy, I remembered that these were exactly my parents' messages to me. I had to be quiet and listen, most often I was in a hurry to do various tasks because otherwise the parents wasted their time (and patience), and one of the most frequent warnings my mother gave me was «Don't make me funny".

I always felt tight in a corset that, somehow, the alcohol relaxed. I can't say that at the moment I feel very relaxed in social situations, but I no longer resort to alcohol and it is easier for me to tolerate my discomfort. An important message I learned about myself, in therapy, was "I deserve it," says Raluca, a 32-year-old woman from New York.

If we watch series to excess, if we want to drown our bitterness in alcohol or cigarettes, in sex or gambling, but also in excessive sports, then these behaviors show us that we are running away from our threatening critic.

Other behaviors by which we recognize the attack of an inner critic are those of giving up our goals and needs or working in excess, or displaying a behavior in opposition to what we feel authentically: if we feel inferior, we show a superior attitude.

How to quiet the voice of the inner critic

While this is what we intend to do, to banish the inner critic, we will not focus our efforts on this part of us, but on cultivating a voice of compassion and understanding.

Just as we have an inner critic, we also have a mature self that is resourceful and compassionate towards us when we are struggling. It is the part with which we can make decisions, which is capable of having a job and which cultivates healthy relationships with others and with oneself.

It is our compassionate self that encourages us when we are hopeless, comforts us when we are sad, understands and validates our emotions, but also helps us develop new skills – it is basically our inner friend and guide.

The saving questions

To cultivate these positive messages we need to answer a few questions: How would I deal with my best friend who is going through a pain and whom I want and can help? What does he feel and what does he need from me?

What would help me more now, to try to motivate myself by criticizing myself or to have an empathetic and need-oriented approach, respecting my own pace and maintaining my focus?

By answering these questions and adopting a wise view, we will realize what is really important and what matters in life. Our inner wisdom, gained from past experiences, along with the recognition that problems and suffering are an inherent part of life, will help us cultivate compassion.