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"Tell my brother to buy a durian, and his girlfriend scolds me for being inappropriate": parents, siblings, partners, who comes first?

by david 2 months ago in advice
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Parents, siblings, partner, who comes first?

I saw a very noisy post on the Internet.

A pair of siblings, the two have a good relationship since childhood.

One day, my sister wanted to eat durian, so I asked my brother to buy one.

When my brother bought durian, he also bought some mangosteen, which cost a total of 263 yuan.

The siblings didn't take it seriously.

Unexpectedly, in the evening, my brother's girlfriend sent a message and scolded my sister:

"Why are you embarrassed for more than 200 yuan? Do you have no money? You are greedy and ask your parents for it, and what is the matter with him? I am really convinced that you are a sister like you, and you have a sense of distance. No."

The words were quite intense, and I felt very angry.

After reading the message of "prospective siblings", my sister felt inexplicable and a little indignant.

So my sister stabbed the matter into the family group.

Family members have expressed their support for the elder sister and scolded the younger brother and his girlfriend.

The old mother even called her son to break up with the girl.

To be honest, it's not a big deal, but a lot of people are paying attention.

Netizens also expressed their opinions on the matter:

"It doesn't matter if my sister spends money for my brother, but I don't want to spend a penny on my brother, because my brother's money belongs to his girlfriend..."

"I'm not married yet, so I don't want to buy things for my family. If I get married, will I have a family war if I buy something for my parents for 200 yuan?"

"My girlfriend's anger stems from her feeling that her sister is intervening in them, attracting her brother's attention, and taking away his brother's love."

"It's a little scary to hate my brother's girlfriend because of a 200-dollar durian, and then use means to let the family put pressure on my brother, so as to achieve the purpose of breaking up my brother with his girlfriend."

...

It is difficult for an honest official to cut off housework, and we do not judge right and wrong.

But from the various comments, we can catch a key question:

How should family members be sorted? Which is heavier or lighter?

Someone said before: "Partner > Children > Parents > Siblings."

If it were you, what sort of order would you give?

Source: Panoramic Vision

Share with you two stories that are happening around you.

One is my aunt's personal experience.

Not long ago, my aunt's granddaughter was born, she went to visit happily, and planned to stay and take care of the baby.

Unexpectedly, within a month, she returned home with a look of grievance.

Here are two grievances from her chat with my mother:

"A few years ago, Xiao Fei was still talking to me about everything. Why did he get married and have children, and he became impatient after chatting with me for a long time?"

"Don't look at my daughter-in-law's quietness, her mouth is so powerful, and Xiaofei has been defending her."

I did not participate in the elders' conversation.

But what my aunt said "talking about everything" is too watery.

After graduating from college, my cousin stayed in another place to work. He seldom returned to his hometown in five or six years, and even his living habits changed a lot.

As for "contradictions between mother-in-law and daughter-in-law", my cousin also gave me a vaccination in advance:

"Every time I quarrel, my mother starts. I have always been her favorite since I was a child. Now that I am married, it is equivalent to being 'robbed' by another woman. She is somewhat unhappy in her heart, so the two After getting along for a long time, my mother unconsciously wanted to pick on her."

Source: TV series "Double-sided Adhesive"

The second story is from my cousin.

A year ago, despite her family's objections, her cousin chose love and decided to marry away from home.

A year later, she and her husband were preparing to divorce.

The reason is not complicated, the husband is a "mother boy".

Because I live in the same community with my in-laws, I have already formed a new family, but my husband runs to my parents' house every three days.

The in-laws are also very protective of their shortcomings. Whenever the husband and wife have a conflict, regardless of whether the husband and wife are in a relationship, the in-laws are unanimous, scolding the daughter-in-law in front of the son.

My cousin is a straight-up, and she has to go to work and take care of housework. Sometimes when she gets angry, she will inevitably complain to her husband:

"It doesn't matter if they don't help with family matters, it will only add to the chaos."

Unexpectedly, my husband was in a hurry at that time:

"My parents follow me to enjoy the old age, is it right for you to say that?"

The contradictions between the two have been accumulating over time, and in the end they can only end bleakly.

Fortunately, the cousin is not helpless.

Hearing that her daughter said she was going to divorce, her uncle and aunt rushed to her daughter's side immediately, and the first words they met were:

"walk home!"

Source: Panoramic Vision

Why tell these two stories?

Because sometimes what we call "family misfortune" is not caused by a big family crisis, but caused by the misalignment of the family.

There are three misunderstandings about family sorting, which are worth our reflection.

First, family relationships are not symbiotic relationships.

Chinese-style family, there is a big drawback.

We attach great importance to the connection of family affection, and pay attention to "the family does not distinguish each other".

Therefore, it is easy to have a morbid symbiotic psychology:

"I have you, you have me, I am you, and you are me, sharing a body and mind."

for example.

A couple in Henan, over fifty years old, their daughter has gone to college, but because of a divorce lawsuit, they got into a local people's livelihood mediation program.

At the beginning of the show, we saw a middle-aged woman named Hai Mou, who sometimes cried bitterly and sometimes lost her soul.

She begged her husband, Jin, not to divorce, but the man seemed to have been heartbroken long ago.

Because not long ago, his wife even secretly mortgaged the only real estate in the family, taking out a loan of 300,000 yuan to pay off the gambling debt for his younger brother.

Before that, it had become commonplace for Hai to subsidize his younger brother.

After the incident was exposed, Hai still felt that he was right. He was repaying the loan himself, and he didn't use the husband's money. The husband should not care so much.

It wasn't until her husband got serious and wanted to divorce her that Haimou panicked.

And Haimou's daughter also revealed that because of helping this uncle, several other uncles are also getting divorced.

In family life, between husband and wife, between siblings, between parents and children, there is often no concept of "self" and "other".

This has led to the emergence of so-called "brother-assisting demons" and "mabao boys".

It is very important to help each other among relatives, but it is more important to do what you can and not to ruin your own life.

Second, family sorting is time-sensitive.

Read a little story.

In a university, when the class was over, a professor said to the students, "I will play a game with everyone, who is willing to cooperate with me?"

A girl came up on stage.

The professor said: "Please write the names of 20 people you can't give up on the blackboard."

The girl nodded and wrote down a series of names.

There are neighbors, friends, family and lovers.

Then the professor said to her, "Please cross out the one you think is the least important person here."

The girl thought about it and crossed out a name.

The professor added, "Please cross off one more."

The girl complied, and then the professor asked her to cross out one more.

Until there are only 3 people left on the blackboard, parents, husband and children.

The classroom was very quiet and everyone could feel that it was no longer a game.

The professor said calmly, "Please cross off one more."

The girl hesitated and made a difficult choice.

She crossed out parents.

"Please cross out one more!"

The professor's voice came again, and she lifted the chalk tremblingly and slowly crossed out her son's name.

Immediately afterwards, she cried with a "wow", looking very painful.

The professor waited for her to calm down a little and asked:

"The most important people in your life should be your parents and your children, because parents are the ones who raise you, the children are your own, and the husband can be found again, but why is he the hardest one for you to let go of? What about people?"

The girl said slowly but firmly:

"As time goes by, my parents will leave me first, and when my children grow up and become independent, they will definitely leave me. The only person who can truly accompany me through my life is my husband."

The story ends abruptly here, but is the girl's answer the final answer?

Just like what happened to my cousin, real life will inevitably have twists and turns.

If you are lucky, you can indeed meet that lover who will be with you for life.

If you are unfortunate, blood relatives may be able to support your life.

Therefore, the ordering of family members is, to a certain extent, time-sensitive.

Different stages of life may have different rankings.

Source: Panoramic Vision

Finally, family sorting, we must talk about human nature.

The girl who was furious because her boyfriend bought durians for her sister probably didn't have the experience of brotherhood.

Because the "buying durian incident" was abuzz on the Internet, my sister posted a follow-up a few days ago.

The sister and brother have always taken care of each other, and she usually buys things for her brother.

This year, I bought two pairs of shoes for my brother, a total of 2,000 yuan, about 1,000 yuan for a keyboard, and the usual delicious food was sent to the place where the two of them lived...

How could it be a big mistake in his girlfriend's eyes to ask her brother to buy a durian when she came to her?

In addition, my aunt has been complaining that my daughter-in-law is not close to her, and her son has also changed.

In fact, think about it and know that my cousin has only been married for two years.

Being in two places and meeting few times makes it unrealistic for people to have a single "mother".

Emotionally we agree, but in reality, feelings do need to be cultivated slowly.

Now that my cousin has his own career and family, it is even less likely that he will focus most of his attention on his parents as he did when he was young.

Sometimes, we have to admit that some family conflicts are just because they violate human nature.

A healthy family relationship does not mean that every family member strives to be the first, but must have the awareness of relegating to the second place in time.

Share with everyone.

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david

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