Surviving Pregnancy

I feel like everyone expects pregnancy to be a beautiful journey that you should cherish and enjoy every moment of before it's over. Well - I'm 12 weeks and 6 days pregnant. It's 04:08am. I am not enjoying any part of this.

You see, not many warnings are given on the not-so-beautiful reality of pregnancy. From how your relationships with those you love (and even with yourself) can change so drastically to how it could change life at work to how difficult growing a baby really is. Don't get me wrong, I always knew it wasn't going to be easy - yet somehow, I didn't expect it to be THIS hard?

I'll start off with some basics. I'm 23, working as a front desk administrator for an estate agency. I'm Filipina, 5ft1, living in London and expecting my baby to arrive in May 2021. It's safe to say our little bundle of joy was a surprise to us all.

Let's start with how relationships change. I had an amazing relationship with my partner (I know, I said 'had'. Yes, we are still together. Yes things are fine). We weren't together all that long before finding out that we were going to have a baby. As expected, this caused some tension. We argued. A LOT. But we always tried to remember the love we had for each other and just tried to think of our future with the baby. Have things changed in the relationship? Absolutely. Do I miss how things were before the pregnancy? Of course I do. After all, I've never liked changed that much. However, do I appreciate how much we've grown both as individuals and as a couple? 100%. See, the thing is, I know how tough it is for him to be a father at 24. He tries really hard to be strong. He's doing really well. I'm proud of him.

I can definitely say that the pregnancy has made life at home with my parents easier and better. I don't think we've ever been in such a good place before. They're more understanding and caring (not that they weren't before) now. We've definitely grown closer as a family unit which I love. The funny part is, I told my mum over text after getting myself tangled in a bunch of lies I could no longer get out of. Surprisingly, she was absolutely fine. Creepishly chilled actually. Let's just say my mum isn't necessarily known for her 'chilled vibe'.

I find myself very blessed on a regular basis to have such an amazing support system around me. It makes a lot of the bad days a lot better. But it hasnt all been rainbows and unicorn farts - somethings have actually been a little harder.

Life at work is SO HARD. I had this job for about a month before finding out I was pregnant. I was MORTIFIED. All the thoughts of getting the sack or not being granted maternity pay started racing through my mind. I think I was lucky enough to work in a small agency where we're all very open and tight knit. My directors have been very understanding. I've taken a load of days off. It must look terrible. I feel terrible about it too - but I also feel terrible when I feel the urge to vomit every time I breathe.

Friendships change too. A lot. I remember seeing a meme about 'Get pregnant and you'll find out who your true friends are' and I remember laughing thinking 'That's a little extreme - surely you can find out without being pregnant?'. Fun fact: It's so very true. I've seen changes and cracks in even the most solid friendships I had. I'm not one to address something if I feel it isn't needed, so I just kind of wait around. But make no mistake, you'd be surprised at the people who are and aren't there for you once you announce your pregnancy.

This one sound a little weird, but, my dog. Yes my dearest beloved 4 legged friend (/child). I am excessively concerned that she will hate the baby. I had a talk with a behavioural consultant and was told that because she is so used to having me around so much because of lockdown PLUS now being pregnant, the chances of her being over-protective and overly clingy with a pinch of overly jealous are extremely high. And it definitely shows in how she now acts. Although, I do blame myself - I'm so used to being around her that I love having her next to me. Sad to say, it's been recommended that I start to keep a little distance from her so that when things change - it isn't too much of a shock to the system for her. Sorry Chelsea :( I love you forever.

At the risk of sounding like a fool, who knew growing a baby was such hard work?! I wouldn't say my pregnancy was necessarily difficult - but I definitely would not call it easy. Just the constant nausea and fatigue alone is enough to send me into a crying fit (and I mean real ugly, Kim Kardashian-eque crying). The bloatedness, the hormones, the pains and oh God, the general incapability to stop over thinking every single little feeling and change that happens in or on your body.

I like to try stay positive about things a lot. So, to balance things, I'll end things like this:

1 Negative: The feeling of missing out on life and everything your used to.

1 Positive: Knowing that once this is over, there'll be a bundle of joy who is half me and half the man I love.

So far, this has been a crazy rollercoaster for me. Although we're almost starting the 2nd trimester! So hopefully things get better.