#SingleMomChronicles: Child rearing/ Discipline

Parenting does not come with an instruction manual. I mean, there are a lot of books on parenting, but it's usually a bunch of generalizations and blanket statements in. As a mother, you just do the best you can and hope you did a great job. Now, as a single mother, I have in the past and still currently overcompensate for the absence of my daughter's fathers. I often over-indulge them. Whatever they wanted, I got it. If I couldn't afford it at that moment, I would sacrifice things for myself. Naturally, as a result, my children developed an aversion to the word "no". Yes, I sugar coated it. I don't really like to use the word "spoiled".

I became a mom at the age of 20. I think I mentioned that before. Remember my oldest daughter's dads mom and my my mom live on the same block. He and I met when I was 6 and he was 7. We broke up (I put him out of my house) when our daughter was two. Typical 20/21 year olds are out partying and stuff. I was a mother, so I had to get a full time job so I could get a place and car for my baby and me.

Now, when I was a child, I didn't get spankings. My younger brother did though. I was a pretty good child so I didn't really get into much trouble, that's why I didn't get spanked. I did get grounded a few times. My mother cursed. She actually STILL curse lol. I told myself I wouldn't hit or curse at my children. In the black community, cursing at or around your children is commonplace. As my daughter got older and got into more things, developed an attitude and started talking back, I realized why parents cursed at and/or spanked their children. I didn't spank her often. I didn't hit her with anything. "Gentle Parenting" wasn't a concept yet. Remember, my oldest daughter is 17. Something I say often is, "when you know better, you do better." I know better now. I learned about better communication in lieu of getting angry, yelling and hitting. I started asking questions when one of my children misbehaved. Questions like: "Why did you do what you did?" or "Do you think what you did/said was a good idea?" I also have them to put themselves in the shoes of the other person and have them tell me if they would like whatever was done to be done to them. They are able to express themselves and their feelings to me about different things, especially things that will affect them directly. Now, I am still the parent. Yes I will hear you out, but the end decision is and will always be mine.

When I was growing up, you "stayed in a child's place". As a child, you have no opinion. My mom grew up the same way. Grandma said what she said and if you didn't listen you got popped. It was just as simple as that. I think it is a cultural thing. Other races raise their children differently, and that's ok. Please don't feel judged or singled out if you are a mom gives out spankings. The great "to spank or not to spank" debate rages on. I feel like as a mom, especially a single mom, you have to do what works for you, your children and your household. No one is raising your children but you, so the ONLY opinion that matters is yours, ok? That is what I tell myself. I used to have this fear of being perceived as a "bad mother". Opinions are like backsides, everyone has one. Just because someone has an opinion though, if I didn't ask, keep it to yourself please.

As always, I hope this helps or inspires someone. Until next time mamas!

*MUAH*