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Reflections on the "ideal" marriage

Together forever

By Sal ToriPublished 4 months ago 11 min read
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Reflections on the "ideal" marriage
Photo by Taylor Deas-Melesh on Unsplash

My impressions of the ideal marriage were formed through the survival of my own failed marriages, as well as the ideas I formed in my current successful marriages. In my unsuccessful relationships, there were definitely certain characteristics that were either completely absent or very weak. These same characteristics are very strong in my current union. I believe there are four basic requirements for practicing the "ideal" marriage. I use the word "practice" because the word "ideal" itself suggests a relationship that is always sought after but does not actually exist. I believe that we must be content to work toward a longer, more sustainable "ideal" period and feel a sense of accomplishment and happiness when we succeed.

The first of the four requirements is "friendship. I believe that we must "like" the person we marry in order to have the potential for long-term success. The ideal marriage partner is someone we spend quality time with and enjoy spending time with and doing things with. However, it is amazing how many couples I see in restaurants that seem to be in their own little world as they stare blankly into space, never even making eye contact. Friendships make people feel special and supported in the midst of life's challenges. When we truly "like" our partner, it is easier to receive unconditional positive attention. We are more likely to engage in compassionate and meaningful communication because we "like" being around our partner. The initial attraction of opposites may be true. But, in the long run, I believe that these many differences keep us from connecting. These opposites are not people we would choose as "friends" because we would not understand them or enjoy doing things with them. Therefore, I believe that the first and most important step in achieving the ideal marriage is to choose a partner that you really "like", a friend that you can relate to and rely on. Then, you must nurture that friendship through shared activities, communication and caring. We need to constantly share with our friends, involve them in our lives, and share our joys and sorrows. Friendship in marriage gives each partner a "soft place to land". Couples who develop friendships will have priceless and enduring assets. I believe these many differences keep us from connecting. These opposites are not people we would choose as "friends" because we would not understand them or enjoy doing things with them. Therefore, I believe that the first and most important step in achieving the ideal marriage is to choose a partner that you really "like", a friend that you can relate to and rely on. You must then nurture this friendship through shared activities, communication and caring. We need to constantly share with our friends, involve them in our lives, and share our joys and sorrows. Friendship in marriage gives each partner a "soft place to land". Couples who develop friendships will have priceless and enduring assets. I believe these many differences keep us from connecting. These opposites are not people we would choose as "friends" because we would not understand them or enjoy doing things with them. Therefore, I believe that the first and most important step in achieving the ideal marriage is to choose a partner that you really "like", a friend that you can relate to and rely on. You must then nurture this friendship through shared activities, communication and caring. We need to constantly share with our friends, involve them in our lives, and share our joys and sorrows. Friendship in marriage gives each partner a "soft place to land". Couples who develop friendships will have priceless and enduring assets. These opposites are not people we would choose as "friends" because we would not understand them or enjoy doing things with them. Therefore, I believe that the first and most important step in achieving the ideal marriage is to choose a partner you really "like", a friend you can relate to and depend on. You must then nurture this friendship through shared activities, communication and caring. We need to constantly share with our friends, involve them in our lives, and share our joys and sorrows. Friendship in marriage gives each partner a "soft place to land". Couples who develop friendships will have priceless and enduring assets. These opposites are not people we would choose as "friends" because we would not understand them or enjoy doing things with them. Therefore, I believe that the first and most important step in achieving the ideal marriage is to choose a partner you really "like", a friend you can relate to and depend on. You must then nurture this friendship through shared activities, communication and caring. We need to constantly share with our friends, involve them in our lives, and share our joys and sorrows. Friendship in marriage gives each partner a "soft place to land". Couples who develop friendships will have a priceless and enduring treasure. Because we won't understand them, and we won't like doing things with them. Therefore, I believe that the first and most important step in achieving the ideal marriage is to choose a partner you really "like", a friend you can relate to and rely on. Then, you must nurture that friendship through shared activities, communication and caring. We need to constantly share with our friends, involve them in our lives, and share our joys and sorrows. Friendship in marriage gives each partner a "soft place to land". Couples who develop friendships will have priceless and enduring assets. Because we won't understand them, and we won't like doing things with them. Therefore, I believe that the first and most important step in achieving the ideal marriage is to choose a partner you really "like", a friend you can relate to and rely on. Then, you must nurture that friendship through shared activities, communication and caring. We need to constantly share with our friends, involve them in our lives, and share our joys and sorrows. Friendship in marriage gives each partner a "soft place to land". Couples who develop friendships will have priceless and enduring assets. A friend with whom you will be able to connect and rely on. You must then nurture this friendship through shared activities, communication and care. We need to constantly share with our friends, involve them in our lives, and share our joys and sorrows. Friendship in marriage gives each partner a "soft place to land". Couples who develop friendships will have a priceless and enduring treasure. A friend with whom you will be able to connect and rely on. You must then nurture this friendship through shared activities, communication and care. We need to constantly share with our friends, involve them in our lives, and share our joys and sorrows. Friendship in marriage gives each partner a "soft place to land". Couples who develop friendships will have priceless and enduring assets.

The second requirement is "chemistry". When I say chemistry, I include physical attraction, but it encompasses more than the initial infatuation that leads to flowers and sleepless nights and fantasy nights. Chemistry also refers to a long-term feeling that makes us long for the company of others who are not there. We really miss their little habits, their laughter, their smells, their presence. It is the real attraction to all the elements that make that person "who they are" and is essentially physical and spiritual. When there is good chemistry in a relationship, it is almost tangible to others. We've all seen couples who seem to glow when they're around each other, even if they've been married for fifty years. They seem to be two puzzle pieces that naturally fit together and seek each other out. The chemistry is so strong that it can get a couple through the serious storms and tragedies of life. These couples know the joy of feeling a "true" physical and spiritual connection with each other. This gives them a great incentive to try to communicate, understand and meet each other's needs. They want to exist in that state of blissful connection as long as possible. Unfortunately, I don't believe that chemistry can really change much if it doesn't exist in the first place. It either exists or it doesn't. If it isn't, both partners in the marriage can suffer great tragedy because over time there will eventually be a situation of physical and emotional rejection. However, if the chemical is initially present, then it must certainly be fed and watered to grow and stay alive. One way to ensure that this bond remains strong is to maintain a "dating" mentality. Couples must make time for each other and make sure they don't take each other for granted. A great tool is to wake up each morning and think of one small thing we can do to make our partner's day better or easier. A date night at least once a week will help keep the romance glowing. A great tool is to wake up every morning and think of one little thing we can do to make our partner's day better or easier. A date night at least once a week will help keep the romance glowing. A great tool is to wake up every morning and think of one little thing we can do to make our partner's day better or easier. A date night at least once a week will help keep the romance glowing.

The third requirement is not nearly as fun or sexy, but its importance to a successful relationship is overlooked many times. It is the "business partnership" needed in a marriage. Because couples live as a unit rather than as singles, there is a need to negotiate and set goals. Life decisions must be faced together, finances combined, and daily operations defined and executed. The successful couple will also have a long-term vision of their future long-term goals. When selecting a business partner, it is important to choose someone who is capable and committed to the success of the business. The same premise should apply to choosing a marriage partner. We need to choose a partner who is truly capable of building a successful relationship, i.e., not someone who brings behaviors that are destructive to the relationship, such as addiction, violence, mistrust, etc. We also need to choose someone who is committed to the success of the relationship and who will not step in when things get difficult the first time. Once we have chosen a valuable partner, it is important to define goals, finances, family activities, career changes, etc. This can be facilitated through special sit-down sessions where the "marital status" is evaluated according to defined goals and objectives. These habits will develop trust, security and strength in the union. It is important to define goals, finances, family activities, career changes, etc.. This can be facilitated through special sit-down sessions where the "marital status" is evaluated according to defined goals and objectives. These habits will foster trust, security and strength in the union. It is important to identify goals, finances, family activities, career changes, etc. This can be facilitated through special sit-down meetings where the "state of the marriage" is evaluated against defined goals and objectives. These habits will foster trust, security and strength in the union.

Finally, the ideal marriage must be one that fosters growth for both partners. One of the main reasons for divorce is "separation. It is naive to think that the person we were so enamored with the day we got married will never change, or that we will never change in the next fifty years. Therefore, it is important to accept this fact from the beginning and to accept the inevitable transformations our partners will experience in the future. Growing together in a relationship involves seeing the "relationship" as a living, breathing entity. The two partners are individuals who exist within that known entity. As one person begins to grow or overcome challenges, they will test the limits of the relationship, i.e., the boundaries. In successful relationships, boundaries will expand to accommodate change and the relationship will grow. In unsuccessful relationships, they will break down and keep the individual on the outside. This resilience can be the hardest to practice because many times change can mean conflict. Growing can be painful; hence the famous phrase "growing pains". In conflict, people tend to separate and move away from each other. In order to achieve growth, a couple must realize that separation does not necessarily mean that the relationship has ended. If disconnection is redefined as an opportunity to assess and understand a partner's new needs or state of being, it can lead to tremendous growth in the relationship. The more disconnections that occur and lead to reconnections, the greater and stronger the relationship becomes.

I believe that the presence and nurturing of these four characteristics in a marriage can lead to an "ideal" relationship that will be lasting and rewarding. I also believe that their absence or neglect will certainly lead to marital discourse and greatly increase the likelihood of divorce. However, staying together forever is possible! The purpose of this website is to provide information and tools to help each person achieve a friend-lover-partner relationship and thus achieve this goal!

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About the Creator

Sal Tori

Education is what remains after one has forgotten everything one has learned in school.

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