Push, push, push...it's a little shit out there

Soooo…it’s been a bit of a tough shitty week lol. This lock down is getting a bit much …not for me, but for the kids…and then me…

Come Wednesday, I was trying to do my work, I’d made dinner, Lee, brought in Jess’s dinner and had accidentally dropped food on the floor…(5 second rule lol) she picked it up, rinsed it off, and told her it was peas that had dropped. Jess went to eat her dinner and found one tiny bit of fluff and went ballistic. Now, I’m not one for slating my ex, the kids dad, he’s a good lad, but he had his flaws as we all do…one of them being; he couldn’t just make a comment, it had to be a 30minute rant about one thing, repeating the same sentence in various ways lol. Like I say, I was trying to work…at first it was funny and I tried to make light of it, calling Jess mother, then she kept going, so I said, forget mam, lets call you dad cos you’re repeating yourself for the last half hour….then she carried on, I was trying to a blog on someone I don’t know extremely well and really had to concentrate and in the end, I couldn’t take it and just told them both to shut up.

Well, that went down like a lead balloon, if I say so myself, I’m pretty calm and patient for the most part, I can shut out when I’m working but sometimes….when I really need to focus and them two are just going for it with each other, I did snap when I told them to shut up so I could work. So that led to Jess telling me to go fuck myself, I’m a cunt, five more minutes of screaming abuse in a colourful terms and then storming up the stairs.

Now Jess can be tricky…sometimes she needs time, sometimes she needs me to be there…so I gave her 10 minutes and went up as I could hear her breathing was going a bit crazy, I went into her room, asked her to calm down, told her I loved her, but she also needs to consider others, in the end I spent about 5minutes getting her to calm her breathing a little then left her to calm down on her own.

She came down later that night, blanked me, came down in the morning, I asked her;

Me “Have you just woke”

Jess “no”

Me ” What time did you wake?”

Jess “5am”

Me “are you feeling better?”

Jess “maybe”

Me “are you my friend”

Jess “perhaps”

Me ” do you love me”

Jess “maybe”

Me “are you going to give me more than a one word answer”

Jess “perhaps”

Me “can I have a hug?”

Jess “no”

Sooooo I chased her around the house until I got one haha. Then she was fine, all over and I made her some food.

Then…that afternoon….Jess and Lee on the couch…talking..then bickering…then arguing…and fuck me lol, I’m not taking this everyday.

However it did get me thinking, Lee is doing okay, still has college lessons etc. getting slightly stressed about if uni will happen this year…but as lock down goes Lee is doing okay.

Me…I think I’m doing bloody amazing lol, I expected by now I’d be in the local psych hospital or climbing the walls, or a serious pisshead lol. But no….I am actually doing better so much better than I thought I would be by now…if I dare say, better than I was before furlogh…I’m not just eating well, but I’m doing yoga, meditation, katas, karate practice, core workouts, taking supplements…wow, can’t remember the last time I was this disciplined lol.

Jess…one thing I did realise, she’s used to being in the house all day every day, however, what she isn’t used to and it must be getting on her bloody nerves is the fact that me and Lee are here 24/7 lol, that’s gotta be getting on her wick, she’s used to doing her own thing, in her own time, all of a sudden, she’s been good, if I say so myself, she’s been coming downstairs all day everyday pre-meltdown and I can see how that must be hard for her, since her meltdown though, I’ve been letting her stay in her room a bit more just to give her a bit more space between us.

Then I’ve had my sweet shop site…just a hobby…I’ve had so many messages about people not receiving their orders yet, every single day, that’s stressful, and hard work, I’ve offered so many people extras on their next order because they’ve been waiting over 3 weeks for their orders….but I’m still loving doing it just can’t wait until this whole covid thing is over and everything goes back to normal.

I’ve been applying for new houses, not to too much luck, we viewed one which was gorgeous, massive kitchen, loads of bench space, the house had loads of storage, a beautiful patio, but they went with someone else, gutted but I’m a big believer in that everything happens for a reason, so I guess it wasn’t meant to be…I’ve applied for a few more today so fingers crossed, we find something perfect (and hopefully cheaper lol)

I’m glad I’ve found my way with working out again, mind, body, soul, karate has always been something deep in my heart, I started when I was five, I had a punchbag that took all my blood, sweat and tears for over a decade…I’ve been doing kata’s which is probably the one thing I took from Shotokan karate that actually made sense to me in a meditative sense of karate and focus..I’ve done Shotokan, Jintiandu and local freestyle, local freestyle with a guy named Barney, he was the best teacher ever, he helped me get through all my gradings etc. pushed me, made me work…he was fab, and I don’t believe in any karate style that has you put your fists at your waist, protect your face…rule number one, I do believe, each to their own though, I think over the years, I’ve probably taken bits from each one that work for me, the same as in my Wiccan practices, if you’re doing it for you then you must take what works for you and leave what doesn’t, nothing is 100% perfect, for me, the kata’s from Shotokan, I love, however nowadays, alot of Shotokan dojo’s do not even practice this, but for me and karate, freestyle works best, it’s good offence and defence, punch from the hips, drop you hips before you hit and the difference in power behind a punch can make a hell of a lot of difference between you standing and falling.

I’m balancing my chakra’s on a daily basis, I’m practising balance, in life, and in practice and exercise, I’m doing roundhouse kicks with squats, I’m doing balance focused slow motion side kicks and holding that point for 30 seconds, hell, even in Turkey, when I was riding 30km a day, going to the gym, walking, swimming, I’m doing stuff now, I haven’t done in almost 25years! And more amazingly, after just a week of doing it, retraining my body, I can do what I was doing when I was just 14… I mean I’m not perfect lol, not by a long shot, I could do 100 sit ups or press ups back then, now I struggle, but I’m one of those people who does not believe age, or having kids should be a reason to be overweight, or bloody lazy quite frankly which is what I’ve become and so I’ll push and push myself until I can do that again. Some of it is bloody slow going I tell ya lol, I used to be able to run on a treadmill for an hour easily, my treadmill is broken, but 1minute on a mountain climber…I could only manage 30 seconds when I first started a week ago, 10mins on my strider, I could manage 3minutes a week ago, yes my back is fucked, but I do believe doing no exercise has to be damaging it more rather than trying even if it hurts…to me that shows how unfit I am lol.

I have always had an easily addictive personality, when I was a kid, it was keep fit, being the best of the best (top gun lol) I was the brilliant, yet too quiet kid trying to get the best grades, in gymnastics, swimming, karate, I always wanted to be the first to achieve, as a teen, I was the first to smoke, to drink, to try weed, as me now, I strive to be the best pool player, especially the best female pool player, to make the England team in two different teams, to be the best worker, to be the best…a long time ago I realised my only real fear in life is failing, this is something that is not an option for me, and so, I will always push myself more than anyone else can, I will always criticise myself more than anyone else can, but I will also keep standing, fighting, and achieving more than anyone else can and I refuse to fail, I refuse to quit, to give in…and so…if anyone reading this feels like they want to quit, want to give in, I beg you, don’t….you got this!!

Stay safe folks 🙂