Post Natal Depression

I was 18 when I fell pregnant, I remember calling my dad to tell him and he hung up on me. I was gutted, my father was like "you are too young to be a mum" says him who had me at age 15. He did come around eventually but his disappointment in me remained. I was happy though and felt ready to be a mum regardless of what others thought. I eventually went into labour 1 week late, Kyle was born at 1:01 am weighing 6lb 4oz. He was perfect and all mine. I had to get a C section as Kyle became distressed this left me having to spend a week in hospital with a catheter. Once home we settled into a routine, I was scared don't get me wrong not having the nurse on hand made me anxious this little bundle of joy relied upon me heavily to meet all his needs and I preyed I was good enough for him. When Kyle was 8 weeks old I was diagnosed with Post-natal depression, the baby blues is what they called it. I felt like a failure, I became very down stopped going outside as my anxiety was through the roof. I was commenced on anti depressants and they did help slightly. When Kyle was 6 months old I left his dad as he was abusive and punched me in the face, I had a life watching my mother being beat up my child was not being exposed to that ever! Leaving him wasn't easy, my depression lifted a bit and I began to feel better. I met someone new he was 18 and I was 21 at the time. We began a relationship and life went on, I fell pregnant again when Kyle was 10 years old, I know a 10 year age gap what was I thinking! Duncan was not happy about the pregnancy he was 28 and loved going out every night he said a baby would destroy his life. He asked me to have an abortion I firmly said "NO" "I am having this baby". Our relationship began to break down, Duncan was going out more and more and I just felt so alone and worthless. Cameron was eventually born, Duncan was very supportive during the labour he surprised me a bit. I had a natural birth with Cammy (Cameron) but it was horrific due to my tail bone being broken by my step dad when I was 11 years old, he kicked me with steel toe cap boots and broke my bone. The xray showed my bone pertruding outwards. As Cammy came down the birth canal he broke my tail bone again and my bladder was bruised. I have never felt pain like this in my life I could not move a muscle pain gripped me at every movement, the nurses looked at me "you shouldn't be in that much pain" I was... I really really was, it felt like someone had stuffed 2 bricks up my bum and sewed it shut. Once I eventually got on my feet we left for home, I had to kneel on the car seat as I could not sit down it was far too painful. Going to the toilet really hurt I had to get 14 stitches so passing urine was impossible I had to stand in the shower with cold water running it was the only way I copd with the pain. Duncan continued to go out every night and left me to deal with Cammy on my own, I was bleeding heavily and just didn't feel well. My mood began to dip... I was diagnosed with Post natal depression again but this time it was much worse. Duncan's mum came for a visit one day and I was crawling around the floor as I had no strength and I was breathless, I went to hospital my iron was low so I was commenced on high dose iron tablets 3 times per day and I had bloods done fortnightly. Duncan began to be abusive towards me his words were cruel he made me feel like a nothing, he had no understanding of what I was going through at all. I began to feel no good and that everyone would benefit if I wasn't here. My thoughts were dark and they were consuming me. I had Cammy into a routine, one morning I put Cammy's coat on and put him in his pram I put my coat on and opened the door, then a huge wave of anxiety came across me I closed the door and sat on the stair I put my head in my hands and cried hard! I felt no good, I felt worthless and useless. I made the choice to end my life. I know a bit extreme but let me tell you Post natal depression is serious it is a dark dark place at times. I gave Cammy his bottle got him changed and settled him into his little cushion, he was safe. Duncan got in from work aroud 5pm and Cammy always slept for a cople of hours at this time. I went up to my room, I pushed my drawers in front of the door, got the tie off my dressing gown tied it to the light fitting and used the step ladders to stand on. I got up on the laddder gave a large sigh and put it around my neck, I kicked the step ladder away and a sharp tug hit my throat, it burned and them it stopped as I fell crashing to the floor again I cried hard. It wasn't my time. I got up and pretended nothing happened. It was nearing xmas time, I chose to stay at home that day and I didn't open my present until Jan and that was onky because Duncan was nipping my ear about opening them. I just wasn't in the mood. My depression started to life when Cammy was 9 months old, my relationship still had issues and we eventually broke up 15 years we were together. Sadly he ended hi life not long after this and so this has left Cammy without a dad and it effects him, it breaks my heart to see how broken his wee heart is. For people who have got or who is living with someone with this horrible condition. We just need support and a hug that tells us everything will be okay. We need to be able to feel and not made to feel guilty for feeling down all the time, believe me no one chooses to be down there is always a reason. It will test people's relationships and it will test you as a person. I am trying for another baby... I have met a wonderful man. Am I scared about post natal depression... honestly I was but now I am in a better frame of mind and feel strong enough, and if I do I know my partner has my back and he has the most wonderful understanding, he is perfect in every way to me and for me, he is my soulmate. Cammy is now 10 I know!! age gaps lol. I feel stronger tha never now and in a more positive frame of mind, post natal depression is debilitating for the peope who have it and its stressful for the person who has to live with it but with support and love it can be overcome. I wil have to have another C section as Cammy's birth really traumatised me, I would rather have 10 C sections than a natural birth, 21 weeks it took me to sit on my bum it was the most pain I have ever been in much much worse than the labour itself. My fellow warriors stay strong and stay safe.