Papa

The Man

I have always known that my father is a great man. Not a perfect man, but that in itself is why I admire him so much. I sometimes catch myself imagining what he would have been like in his younger years. What was he like when he was my age? I try to imagine what thoughts must have been going through his head about his future. Did he know he would become such an important figure in the lives of all those around him or was he just as insecure about his place in the world as I am now?

I often close my eyes and dance my way down memory lane. I have vivid remembrances of my childhood. Endless hours spent with my parents. Both cementing their way of life into my soul and laying a foundation for the young man I am trying to develop into. When I think about the definition of 'Man', I think of my father. I think of how I have only ever seen him cry a handful of times, not because he is afraid to show emotion, but because emotions swell inside him and are met with a calm mind. He is patient and takes the time to process what he feels. When he is alone, I have no doubt he has shed many tears and kept them close to his chest. I have always been made easy to cry. Emotions claw their way up my throat and my chin quivers with such force, I fear my teeth may shatter. They force their way past my temples and flood through my eyes. I thought he would see me as weak for it.

"It's fine to cry, Son." You would say, in a voice that could calm the ocean still. You never made me feel weak, even when I could only find flaws in myself. You showed me strength can be both safe guarding your heart and laying it bare. Did you know you had that strength?

Even you have your bad days. Days when you can't fully get the swing of things. Days when the pressure of the world bares down on your shoulders. As a child, I could not understand the force of the universe because I had not been made yet, to feel its weight. I was ignorant to the ways you suffered in silence and you would probably not have it any other way. As a child, I saw you as a superhero and now as a young man, I still do in many ways. The only difference is now I see the fact that you are not immune to the motions of the world. You go through pain and frustration like the rest of us. Your skin is thick but it gets tired. Your resolve is strong but it wavers and falters and some days you crack too. You too, are human. You make mistakes but it is how you recover from them that makes you The Man.

The Myth

I realized quickly growing up that you and I shared a very special relationship. Not many of my friends could tell their dad's their deepest secrets. Having open and honest conversations about our thoughts was a normal occurrence. In many ways, you have been my best friend from ever since I can remember. I remember when I was sixteen and went to a house party. I drank like it was my mission to get wasted. By the end of the night I was vehemently vomiting into a bucket. My friends called you to come pick me up and you showed up laughing. Whereas most parents might be a little disappointed that their sixteen year old kid got sloppy drunk at someone's house, you saw it as a learning experience for me. Moments like those, where you let me fall and hurt myself. You let me experience pain because you knew that it would give birth to self-awareness.

You took on an almost mystical element, because when I would tell my friends, the kind of things we would talk about, they would stare at me almost in disbelief. Some of them did not feel comfortable crying in front of their fathers. Some of them did not feel brave enough to say how they really felt. Some would show me the bruises, hidden under shirt sleeves because of a bad grade. There was a disconnect because I experienced none of this. I saw the ways this absence of connection, left gaping holes in my friend's chests. It seeped into their frustrations and bled onto the floor around them. The disconnect went both ways because it was the same for them. They would tell me I am lucky to have a dad like mine and I believed them because it was true. If anything, you are proof to me that great fathers do exist. It began to feel less and less like that was true when I saw the way some of the people my age had to struggle because of a dad that was not that keen on being a dad. It began to feel like it was a myth. It began to feel like you were a myth.

The Legend

One of my biggest dreams is to see you hold my future child. I want them to get the chance to meet you and enjoy your company. Feel your warmth and hear your laugh. I think about the future more than I should. I have spent countless hours daydreaming about a future where I can look you in your eyes and be proud of myself.

I want there to come a time when you and I can sit in a quiet place, maybe near the ocean or a lake. The sound of the breeze passing through the leaves and caressing our backs. Mom will be there with us too. She always is. It's strange but I still feel her presence so strongly even though she has moved on to something greater. Maybe, that is just wishful thinking. She left her mark though. She pressed upon my soul the truth of her being and it will never leave me. She is gone and I know that but I still see her in your smile. I hear her in your laugh. One day, we all find ourselves at the end of our journey. It is part of the beauty of being an ephemeral being. One day, we will have to part ways too. It is inevitable that you too are destined for a greater journey beyond this reality. I will carry on what you and Mom taught me and then my children will hopefully choose to do the same.

It is very easy for me to get lost in my head. I get overwhelmed by my insignificance in the universe and you somehow always manage to ground me. My goal is to someday live up to the potential you see in me. I know you are wise and that trust you place in me is not unfounded. I will make good on all your sacrifices, not because you require it of me, but because it would truly make me happy.

You are a character from a novel. The action hero who saves the day. The protagonist of your own story and to me, you are an absolute legend and I look forward to being your living legacy.