Painting

Hi Dad,

It's strange to tell you about this in this way but I can't really show you. I started painting and I really think you would have like it if you were still here. See I needed a hobby after failing at doing anything else and mum always tells me I need to do something with my free time. I always wonder what you would be doing... probably just re-watching the same shows over and over, which would drive me and mum crazy... well, until an episode we liked was on. I miss those moments but it's something I can't recreate so I have to change so: painting.

It's helped with a lot but some of the paintings I do I can't show mum, she either wouldn't get it or she'd be upset that I had done it. It's my way of expressing myself now and if I miss you I can't stop that from being put on my canvas. There the ones I like the most though, it reminds me that I can remember you and the little things that came along with that like the fact you always smelt like vanilla and I never knew why.

I keep trying to learn different techniques to paint like using sponges or different sized brushes but usually mess it up. It is all I'm good at but it adds something to it, when I mess up it doesn't feel like I've messed up. Hard doesn't even begin to describe how it was without you to begin with but for mum I had to be brave, you always knew I wasn't a cry baby but now I can't seem to stop. I can cry for hours on end but it doesn't solve anything, it doesn't change anything but going forward everyday not doing anything feels like an insult to you... not that you would actually care, not that anyone else actually cares.

Positive! I mean that I'm channeling into painting instead of drugs or alcohol but to be honest with how messed up my body is it would probably kill my instantly anyway, would I be with you then? My therapist said it's good so it has to be and I don't think there's much else she can do for me but it's either that or having to go to a support group so I chose the actual therapist. I still haven't got over my fear of people and being 'sociable' but people are just saying it's PTSD because of... you.

Mum is great and I love her but forcing me to be something I'm not won't help me, like painting was the best of her suggestions. She wanted me to go out and join a band or a book club, just writing it makes me seem like a nerd but I wouldn't mind doing that stuff if it didn't involve other people. Stupid right! You'd probably come with me, I miss that. It's not the fear of being independent it's that I don't like people which nobody else seems to understand with me, you did. I regret not telling you... why did I tell you?

Honestly, I pray mum will never find these letters because they're so incriminating like before when I told you that I stole her Nintendo Switch because she told me I couldn't use mine. You would have done the same! Maybe I should start to burn them, but knowing me I'd set the house on fire and the letters would be the only thing that remained in the ashes. God I miss your laugh, but I miss mums more. She hardly smiles now, you know? There's nothing I can do, I want to grieve alone and talking to her now always turns... dark.

Anyway, I painted the base of this Victorian looking princess dress and I need to add details but I'm so afraid of messing it up because right now I've done: the background as a dark plump purple, the base of the character as in her skin and face and hair, and I've done a lovely velvet like green dress with white mesh across the shoulders and matching shoes... well shoe, there's only one at the bottom, maybe when it's done I'll put a photo of it at your grave. I want to add detail over the dress because it looks too plain but I'm so scared, maybe next time I'll tell you that I messed it up.

So... I never know how to end my letters to you because I can't say 'I hope to hear back from you' because I know I never will but somehow I have hope and if there's anything I need it's that. Should I just say bye...

Bye!

P.S. I love you.