NFL Teams Ranked By How Good Their Name Would Be As A Baby Name

It seems like this time of year the American people have one thing on their minds -- football, specifically the NFL, or National Football League. Now, I don't know much about the NFL but what I do know much about is baby names. I have a personal passion for names, and it seems as the years go by the horizons for what is acceptable to name your child get broader and broader. Here is my opinionated list of how NFL team names would rank as baby names, not including the city precursor, from worst to best.

32 - 49er

I think we all knew this was coming. Aside from perhaps Elon Musk, I don't think many people go straight for numbers when seeking out names for their new bundle of joy. You'd have to be one dedicated San Francisco fan to take this name into consideration.

31 - Dolphin

This is objectively terrible. Not only are dolphins secret pervs but I feel like this name-itch could easily be scratched by naming your child something not traumatizing like Dalton, making Dolphin our number 31.

30 - Seahawk

I'm just honestly not even sure what a seahawk is.

29 - Ram

The Ram football team, the Ram truck company, there are already too many Rams running around, and it's not even a great name in the first place. So, for those reasons, I rammed this one into 29th place.

28 - Giant

Okay, Giant is just cruel. Whether they turn out to be 6'5 or 4'6, this is not a kind name to bestow upon your kid.

27 - Steeler

If it isn't a no-brainer to not name a child after a word that sounds like a grammatically incorrect synonym for thief, then I can only help you by putting Steeler at number 27.

26 - Viking

Okay, possible negative connotation, sounds too much like hiking and biking, and it's just not a name. Next.

25 - Charger

A charger is what I ask for when my phone is dying, not a sweet little baby. BUT I could possibly see someone using this as a name, just not anyone sane.

24 - Bengal

I don't like it.

23 - Eagle

I don't like it even more than Bengal but I think it does make a 'better' name.

22 - Lion

I know what you're thinking, you think I sound crazy but hear me out. Lion is at 22 because people do name their children Leo (quite a popular name actually) and Leo means lion...so it's really not that wild (haha, see what I did).

21 - Panther

To be completely honest, I'm sure someone has used the name Panther or will in the near future. I don't personally approve but I can see it becoming the new edgier alternative to Parker.

20 - Commander

Commander is odd, that much is true. But it has a space cowboy vibe that think could be popular among influencer moms. It isn't the worst name being offered, but it's not touching my personal baby name list, that's for sure.

19 - Cowboy

Speaking of space cowboy... While Cowboy is a little on the nose, its not the worst of the word names. It has just enough Southern charm to keep spot 19.

18 - Bronco

Bronco also exudes that Southern charm feel but with a little less brashness. Cool horse, cool car, cool kid.

17 - Cardinal

This name was juggled back and forth until I finally decided....it isn't horrible? Decent nickname possibilities and a small red bird isn't the worst animal to be compared to.

16 - Packer

Coming in right in the middle spot of the list is Packer, and, despite what I said about Panther, I think this is the real new edgy version of Parker.

15 - Patriot

People do name their children things like America and Independence, so why not Patriot? It sounds like an American Girl Doll from the days of the Revolutionary War. While I still don't think it's a superstar of a name, it does deserve it's place on the bottom half of the list.

14 - Brown

Believe it or not, Brown is not just a last name, it is also a (very uncommon) first name. The reason a name that is actually a legitimate first name is so far from 1 on the list is because I know if I give it anymore leeway, someone will use it irresponsibly and name some poor child Brown Brown. First name, brown, last name, brown. Not on my watch.

13 - Jaguar

Trust me, trust me, I know. It's the new Bentley. But, shorten it to Jag and it does technically exist as a name. While not on the US Top 100, it is a name of Indian origin meaning 'The Universe'. Isn't that just delightful?

12 - Texan

As a Texan myself (as in I am from Texas, not that my name is Texan), it's possible that I am biased. Although, like Jag, Texan shortens to Tex, an established albeit uncommon name.

11 - Buccaneer

Again, say it with me, nickname. It's all about the nickname oppurtunities. Buccaneer is like Commander but with a more normal nickname options, such as Buc or Bucky. That being said, do I really want to be surrounded by baby Buccaneers? No, but we have to pick which hills we die on.

10 - Raider

Calling all Indiana Jones fans who don't want to name their child Indiana.

9 - Titan

Titan is what Giant was trying to do but without setting your child up for a lifetime of bullying. Powerful and independent, Titan is a solid name.

8 - Chief

I'm fairly certain I only think of this as a decent name because we once had a family horse named Chief...and it's only one syllable so even if it's terrible, it's only terrible for a short five letters.

7 - Falcon

Falcon is a strong and confident name. Its unisex, has interesting consonant sounds, and is very similar to already popular name Fallon. At number 7, Falcon is the highest ranking bird on the list.

6 - Saint

No matter your personal stance on Kim and Kanye and their children, Saint West will likely grow up thankful that her name is Saint West and not 49er West.

5 - Bear

Kicking off the top 5 is Bear. Bear is becoming immensely popular in the baby name-sphere, whether it be a nickname for Barrett or stands on its own. Bear is the name of many a celebrity child and even celebrity survivalist, Mr. Bear Grylls himself (I don't care if that isn't his birth name, this is my list.

4 - Colt

I know many Colts. It may not be anything special or crazy but that's what makes it good -- it's wearable. This definitely trumps Cowboy and Bronco for our Southern name champion.

3 - Jet

If it's good enough for the child of gold medal Olympic gymnast Shawn Johnson and her husband Andrew East, former NFL long snapper, then it's plenty good enough for me. Fun fact: Andrew did not play for the Jets but he did play for the Commanders, Raiders, Chiefs, Rams, and Jaguars. Good thing he didn't love any of them enough to name his child after them.

2 - Raven

Okay, I fibbed about Falcon being the highest ranking bird because techincally Raven is a bird, but that isn't the first thing I think of when I hear this name. Raven has been a long popular baby girl name, and it stands out as a name first and a foreboding bird second. For fans of Edgar Allen Poe and Disney Channel alike, Raven is for you.

1 - Bill

Ah, Bill -- thank you for your service. Good, old-fashioned, why fix something that isn't broken? While a questionable football team name, Bill is a tried and true baby name with its use dating back all the way to the 1800s, making it the perfect pick for the number one spot on this list.

So, there you have it, all 32 NFL team names ranked in terms of their elligibility as baby names. Honestly, if you need a baby name, I would consult the MLB (way more potential).

This list is completely opinionated. Feel free to comment your own opinions and let me know if you know anyone with a name in the 15-3 range.