My Life As Struggling Single Mother

My life completely changed ever since I became a mom at 19. Before graduating high school, I pictured myself attending University of Maryland, majoring Theatre Performance, graduating with an associates degree, and opening my own dance studio teaching young children how to dance and teach acting class for disabled children and teens. When I was 14 years old, I had no idea that I was sexually active until I lost my virginity to my ex friend, who was 19 at the time and thinking about what I did I regretted every minute of it because I was young, dumb and confused whether or not I want to have sex with a guy that is older than me. But, that's not how I got pregnant!

It started off when I was in an on-and-off relationship with my boyfriend of 2 years. My boyfriend and I met in high school during 3rd period History class. I remember I used to have a huge crush on him until I found out he was already dating someone. When I found out that he had a girlfriend, I was upset to think that he had a girlfriend.

I tried everything to forget about him until I saw him volunteered as a stage crew for the school play. I decided to help out not just to spy on him just to get my SSL hours until we started hanging out. During rehearsals, I will never forget the day he held me with his muscular arms around my waist. I was kind of confused at first no one has ever done that to me before then he kissed me. It turns out he broke up with his girlfriend a month ago before we started dating. Our relationship went great until my good friend, Peter told me that he has a history of cheating on his exes. He actually used them for sex and money but I stood by his side until after 2 months later he cheated on me with his ex. When I found out he cheated, I was so upset and we broke up. During the weekend, I tried everything to forget about him but I couldn’t stop thinking about him. Over the weekend, he was on Facebook messaging how sorry he was for betraying me and that it would never happen again. So I gave him another chance. Months later, we got back together and I found out that he was cheating on me again with the same ex. I was heartbroken but I was still in love with him. When he made his decision to be with her, I made a decision that I never thought I would do. I decided to kill myself. I went into my mom’s room, took my mom’s razor blade out of her drawers. The next morning, I hid in the girls’ bathroom and cut myself on both of my arms. I silted both of my arms three times until one of my friends found me in the bathroom and sent me to the nurse. After I explained everything to the nurse, my friends were really upset that I tried to take my own life and my mom was in tears. Thinking about what I’ve done I felt so stupid trying to kill myself for some boy but I was so depressed of doing that. Like I would hate myself and men at the same time and I had no one by my side. When my ex found out tried to kill myself, he told his girlfriend that I gave him hell. I didn’t get it I’ve done nothing wrong. So I gave him up. As hard as it is, I was still in love with him. Over the summer, we both apologized to each other and became friends. But our friendship got too close and he begged me to get back together with but he was still in a relationship with his girlfriend. I wanted to give him another chance but his girlfriend told me that “they’re engaged”. I was so pissed I didn’t want to talk to him at all for lying to me and treating like I’m his second. I stopped talking to him for months until he told he’s officially done with her because she cheated on him and that she used him just so her ex can take her back. On August, he begged me the final time and I forgave him. We stayed together for 2 years until things became rocky during our relationship. We barely hung out together, he hangs out with his friends than me, he doesn’t want to go on dates with me anymore, and doesn’t treat me like his girlfriend anymore.Our sex life we never use protection, we had sex more than 10 times at his in his bedroom at his mom's house and we still got away with it. I felt like I was living a lie. During the summer of 2014, I had a strange feeling on my stomach was getting bigger I tried to lose weight but my stomach kept growing bigger and so were my breasts. I couldn’t fit through my clothes, my jeans were too tight, my shirts made me look fat, and my bra was shrinking. My mom kept asking me, “Are you pregnant?” and I said, “No”. I thought she was crazy until I was having food cravings, feeling exhausted all the time, missed periods, gaining a lot of weight. I thought to myself maybe I am pregnant. Three days after my 19th birthday, my mom and I went to the doctor’s office to find out what’s going on with me. My doctor decided to give me a pregnancy test to find out if I’m pregnant or not. In my mind, I didn't want to take the test but I had to just to be sure. Minutes later, the test came out positive. I was in shock I didn't even want to believe that I was pregnant until I felt some movement in my stomach. Throughout the whole nine months, I have kept my pregnancy a secret because I was ashamed of what I have done to myself. On the outside, I was not proud it but on the inside I am really happy to have a happy baby in my life. I never thought about abortion or adoption because I didn't want to harm my child. At 7 am, I was feeling constant pain from my stomach to my legs. It felt like a sharp knife stabbed me in my back. That’s when I knew it was finally time. So my brother called the ambulance and they took me to the hospital.

On January 6 at 6pm, I gave birth to a beautiful, healthy baby boy, Xavier. Every day, I look at my sons eyes I see pain because my son doesn't know who his father is. It hurts that Xavier's dad doesn't want to step up and choose his new girlfriend over his child. It makes no sense how men choose an object over a child and giving my child a horrible name. I felt abused and hurt because I spent sleepless nights taking care of my baby while he's out there saying bad stuff about me and my child. After 2 years I've been with him he decided to turn his back on me and bully me and it hurts. I can't stand him and all the wrong he did to me. All the things he tells his friends are all lies. And I should have known better. But as a mom I vowed to be there for son no matter what. He's a beautiful gift from God send to me and I'm not complaining I love my boy.If I could go back in time, I would have never met the father of my child. I was stupid being with him. I would never thought I would end up being a single mom raising a king alone. He was so irresponsible, disrespectful, liar, and disgusting creature I've met. He said mean things about me. All I can say is nothing to him but let God judge him. I know I'm trying to be good mother/father. But as hard as it is. I'm dealing with drama with my family, school, finances, and unemployment.

Being a mom is a big responsibility and a lot of work but I'm learning and I enjoy being mom. I love my son. I'm blessed to have my son and my mom for helping and teaching me how to be a good mom. All the advices, I'm learning from college moms helped me a lot that it is never too late for education. Even though, I have a child doesn't mean I'll stop studying theater. I'll continue taking care of my son and continue my education at a community college. Hopefully, I’ll finish my 2 years then transfer to University of Maryland, graduate with a degree and find my happy ending with my son. If I could go back in time, I would have never met the father of my child. I was stupid being in a relationship. Instead, I ended up being a single mom raising a child alone.

What Now?

Xavier will soon be 3, trying to learn how to speak so far, he's starting school on January 8. I'm currently working as a playwright starting my stage adaptation WHITE MAMA even though I haven't earn a degree yet but I'm still a student at Montgomery College on my first year still. Recently, White Mama has been accepted in the NYC Winterfest 2018. It presents on March 2018.