My 3 Biggest Life Lessons From Being Estranged From my Parents

I ran away from home at 16. As an adult, being an ‘Elective Orphan’ has become a part of my personal brand. But these days it feels like quite a small part of it.

I’m thinking about this today as my University Graduation photo just came up in my Facebook memories.

I went to University a bit later in life and graduated aged 34 — so I was an outsider there to begin with.

But graduation day itself felt very lonely indeed. I seemed to be the only graduate there without family to cheer them on, and I really felt it right where it hurts.

But I’m pleased to report that today, 6 years on I rarely feel that kind of hurt anymore.

I don’t know if that’s to do with not being in situations (like graduation) that highlight my 'Elective Orphan' status. Or if it has more to do with having moved on emotionally and grown as a person.

I honestly don’t know if I’d feel better flying solo at a graduation ceremony today. But there are a few Universal truths I do know, that I’ve learned from my life so far.

There are no guarantees in life

People who grow up with the unconditional love of their parents can be forgiven for believing that there are guarantees in life. But parental love aside, I can say that there are no guarantees.

And not everybody gets loving parents either.

You never know what’s around the corner… COVID-19 anyone? So the lesson I’ve learned from being able to rely on nobody, is to be ready to ‘adult’ for myself at any given moment.

I’m not talking about being in an uncomfortable state of cat-like readiness, only sleeping with one eye open. I just mean not taking things for granted.

When you understand that you are 100% responsible for yourself, then you’re as safe as you can be, because you make it that way.

We CAN choose our family (sort of)

I grew up hearing dis-empowering statements like; “You can’t choose your family!”

Unsurprisingly, these statements tend to come from people who just accept the status quo. I know a few people who have truly toxic parents, but won’t stop letting those parents hurt them out of a sense of duty.

According to society, I ‘m supposed to respect that. But honestly, I cannot.

If somebody is toxic and hurting you, it is your responsibility to do what’s necessary to look after yourself.

If that’s a controversial statement, I stand by it.

You can’t choose the family you are born in to. But you can choose who you spend your life with. You can choose not to give your power away.

Life really is what you make it

Sometimes, just as a thought experiment, I think about what my life might have been had I never left home.

Would I be miserable? Would I even have lived this long? Would I have repeated the pattern by having my own kids and taking my pain out on them?

Of all the things I’ve managed to achieve in my 40 years so far, I am by far the proudest of my ‘disruptor’ status.

I am proud of myself for not tolerating my childhood mistreatment, and for not following society’s rules to ‘honor my parents'. And I'm proud of myself for getting therapy, building myself up and creating my own life.

Sure, I've lost my way sometimes and made some pretty big mistakes. Over the years I've had some horrible relationships that were reminiscent of my childhood experiences.

This is very common. When we aren't conscious of our patterns, we tend to seek out people that feel familiar. Even if what's familiar about them is their abusiveness.

But personal growth isn't a straight line. There are twists, turns and loops as we revisit old lessons in order to learn them more thoroughly.

This is all a part of the human experience.

In many ways I’ve been my own parent, and you can do it to, no matter the parents that you were born with. Anybody can learn to advocate for themselves and make a life that they want to live.

Anybody can be a disruptor.

You can do it too.