I Used to Think I Wanted Kids

The little girl in the image above looks really sweet, doesn't she?

But the trouble with an image is that it's not the full story - it's just a snapshot, a moment in time frozen forever.

I'm not saying that this little kid isn't sweet. What I'm saying is that I just like the picture, not the whole messy reality that comes with the package deal of children.

But I used to think I wanted to be a mother, and it scares me deeply how wrong I was. You see I thought I wanted what my friends wanted too, simply because I didn't know myself back then.

It sort of reminds me how I wanted to be married, as I expected that to fill the hole in my heart left by my abusive childhood. It didn't, and my marriage didn't work out. We both went into it for the wrong reasons.

We do these things when we are young. I'm just really grateful that I never fell pregnant when I thought it was what I wanted. Because I don't think that I'd be happy now.

Breaking the chain

I had a theory about my mother. I used to think that part of the reason for her abuse what that she didn't really want to have kids.

I assumed she had us because that's what was expected back then. As the eldest child, I had been the first one to ruin her life, and that, I theorised, was why I experienced her rage the worst.

I know that there are other abuse survivors out there who go on to be wonderful, loving parents. They break that chain of generational abuse and pain by doing things differently.

But knowing myself as well as I do now, I don't think that would have been me.

I know that I am independent, introverted, and selfish with my time and focus, and I don't want to change. I know that my way of breaking the chain is to not have the kids that I would ultimately resent.

That might sound like I'm being hard on myself - but this is just honesty. I know who I am, and I know who I'm not. I am not a mother.

Let's be honest

I'm not alone in this, and there are women out there who went down the motherhood route and then regretted it. I came across a study of posts on the UK forum Mumsnet Talk, where women openly shared their struggles. Many even voiced regret over their decision to have children.

This study included posts from 2008 onwards, and showed how much more honestly mothers could speak when using an online ‘safe space’, freer than usual from the judgment of society.

I think this societal judgment is a huge part of the problem. If I had a penny for every time somebody told me that I’d regret my decision to stay childless, I’d be very wealthy indeed!

I’m also aware that I’m already saving a decent amount of money by not having a child — that’s around £150k for a couple or £183k for a single parent, according to the Child Poverty Action Group.

Don’t follow the crowd

When all is said and done, children deserve to have parents who want them. I didn’t have parents who wanted me, and I would never wish that experience on anybody else.

But that good intention isn’t enough to make me want a child of my own — I’m simply not wired that way.

I don’t crave motherhood. I crave peace, quiet and personal space. I don’t feel that I’m missing out on anything that I’d truly want — only the things that I don’t want.

Since the planet is over-populated anyway, I see this as a win-win. I don’t want to add to the population, and the population doesn’t need me to.

What’s most important, I believe, is that we each make a decision on this that feels the most authentic to who we are as people.

If you are struggling with the decision, or are feeling pressure from family, just know that nobody knows you better than you.

Ultimately, it’s your life, and an authentic, honest decision is much less likely to be one you regret.