So the other day I saw an article on Facebook with the headline "Why it's OKAY to cut toxic family members from your life." Without even reading the article, my mother in law came right to mind. Now I know that may sound harsh, but hear me out. Let me start by saying, I never would have thought at the time that I would end up resenting my mother in law so deeply that I had no interest in her being a part of my life at all. I had hopes and dreams like most women do... For example, the perfect wedding experience... The dress shopping, the bridal and bachelorette parties, the morning of while getting ready, the ceremony, the toasts, and all the family events to follow. I pictured the perfect relationship with her. But, like they say, you can't see the future.
In the beginning, everything WAS actually great, you could say it was rainbows and unicorns. She welcomed me into the family right away. She treated my son like her own grandson right off the bat, we were always invited for family dinners at least twice a week, and within 5 months of us dating, she was introducing me at family events as her daughter in law. She even strongly encouraged my relationship with my step daughter (SD). We formed a bond very quickly, we would text daily and she would even offer to have me over the house during the days to let the kids play while we talked. However, the relationship with her began to change shortly after my son's first birthday, which was roughly 6 months after I started dating her son.
Now the thing you need to know about my mother in law is when you confront her about ANYTHING and I mean ANYTHING, if she feels the least bit targeted, she starts WORLD WAR III, literally. Now before you say anything, I know what you are thinking... That's being a little dramatic. Not exactly, keep reading... Believe me when I say, you CANNOT confront her about anything bothering you without her flipping the story and somehow turning the blame on you. And I have noticed that she doesn't just bring up a healthy conversation about it, she literally makes a drama movie out of it. Not to mention she ALWAYS pulls the line ,"Well if you don't want me in your life, just say so." Man, do I wish he would "say so." Now... everything she has ever done to me and my fiancé, she believes she is doing it in the best interest of SD... when in reality, it is the best interest of HER and her alone. She always plays the situation to make herself out to be the hero. Super Grammy, always.
But I am getting ahead of myself a bit, let's go back in time.
So to sum it up, our custody order for SD hasn't always been the way it is now. It was actually MUCH different. Basically, let's just say that NOW my mother in law has MUCH LESS time with SD than she did before. And I strongly believe that has a lot to do with the reason why our relationship changed so drastically. I also believe that she blames ME for it. See, I think somewhere in my mother in law's mind, she thinks she plays a much bigger role in SD's life than just her grandmother. I think she believes she is almost a parental role, because she certainly does everything she can to undermine EVERYTHING my fiancé and I do for SD as her parents. She makes decisions for SD without consulting us and it usually ends up in another WAR because instead of admitting that she is wrong by not asking us, she flips the blame and plays the "I was doing what was in her best interest" card. Now I understand that she is my fiancé's mother, she had kids of her own, therefor she is certainly qualified to make parental decisions... I get that. But if her parents are present and perfectly capable of making decisions, WHY UNDERMINED THEM? WHY DO THE OPPOSITE OF WHAT THEY ASK? WHY?
Slowly over time, you could start to notice, that she started treating my son differently. In the beginning, the kids were equal and fairly treated. She spoiled them both and loved them both like crazy. But after a few arguments, you could see that my son started getting the short end of the stick. She would publicly PRAISE and gloat about SD for her birthday but would only write a simple "Happy birthday" for my son. Or there were multiple occasions where we would ask his mom to babysit, and she would question why she had to take both kids and why she couldn't JUST spend time with SD. Or there were times, she would take SD to do cool things when my son wasn't there. You could notice that gifts started changing... SD got more, fancier, or more expensive items, than my son. My fiancé didn't pick up on it as quickly as I did, and he didn't want to believe that his own mother would play favorites...
Okay so now here is my question for parents... If your son or daughter is dating someone for quite some time, and they break up... normally the right thing to do would be to not speak to that person anymore right? I mean out of respect for your child. Now... if there are certain circumstances, like they have a kid together, you still keep a civil relationship regarding the child. I understand that. BUT, if let's say your child's ex, is downright unreasonable. They are not civil and they do anything and everything to hurt your child AND your grandchild... Being civil would then fall off the table right? NOPE! Not for my mother in law. See, here is her game. Whenever she is on bad terms with us (WWIII) and she begins to realize that we are going to keep SD from her, she runs to SD's mom (Bio Mom—BM). She tells her our secrets, information about us, ANY and ALL legal plans we have, confidential, medical, and financial information in hopes that SD's mother will give her more time with SD behind our back. WHO DOES THAT TO THEIR OWN CHILD?
That's where my respect for her went DOWN THE DRAIN. From that point on, I stopped telling her anything, and I mean ANYTHING. She did this a few times, the first few weren't anything super confidential, the stuff she told her wasn't anything to "hide" per say... so we didn't think much of it. I mean yeah, we confronted her. We were pissed... but it didn't do any significant damage. Okay so, I have always believed that saying "sticks and stones may break my bones, but your words will never hurt me." You can talk all the shit you want about me, tarnish my reputation, start rumors, whatever... but when you start fabricating lies about me that start messing with my life in a legal standpoint, we are going to have issues. I'll explain....
Fast forward to last summer. My fiancé and I got pregnant, due in August 2017. And unfortunately I was having some health issues, concerning but nothing jeopardizing the baby. I was put on a driving restriction in May 2017 but was given instructions and conditions to follow. The driving restriction created an issue for work, so we made the group decision that I would stay home for the rest of my pregnancy (roughly 3 months). Well ya see, because I was now home full time, mommy in law got angry because she was loosing time with SD again after she just got it back. So she went behind our backs and told BM that I was risking SD's life. She told BM all of my medical information regarding the baby and my restrictions... which then BM used in court against my fiancé AND MYSELF. Resulting is false abuse/neglect allegations and restrictions from being alone with my own SD. NO INVESTIGATION, no interview, no questions... They took her word for it and put it in the custody agreement that I am restricted from being alone with her. My wedding it next year, I legally become her step mother next year... And I can't even be alone with my own step daughter. See my issue? All thanks to his mommy dearest.
If you think you hate her now, just wait... I am just getting started.
--PART TWO COMING SOON!!!--