I’m cleaning the house and this song comes onto Pandora. I instantly stop... speechless, numb, frozen. Suddenly my ENTIRE life comes into question. I sit down and start thinking about everything that has happened to me (mostly just in the last 6 months). I have too many emotions to focus on just one and I have too many questions that cannot be answered, which is frustrating and confusing. I am a strong believer that everything happens for a reason, and I do believe God has a purpose for everyone and everything. But what I cannot wrap my head around is (WHY) he allows BAD things to happen to GOOD people. I suppose to make them stronger, but why so much hurt, anger, pain, and sorrow?
Since January, I have had to continuously remind myself of my belief that there is a reason why everything is happening to me. But it is so hard to do when I also believe in karma.. and I ask myself every day, what did I do so bad to deserve this much negative karma. Again, another question that may never get answered. My entire world crashed when we lost Addy, I thought that was my rock bottom... but what I didn’t know was there was more damage and pain headed my way. More challenges, more obstacles, more setbacks. If you lived a day in my life, you’d honestly think God had it out for me, the punches just kept coming, you'd most likely ask the same thing as me,"When is enough, enough?" Have you ever been kicked when you were down? Repeatedly? Over and over? If yes, you have an idea of what my life is like. But as hard as it is, I am trying to accept that this is the life he gave me and he had a reason for everything.
Logic's song is both devastating & inspiring. It is bold, ugly, truthful, painful, and far from sugar-coated. Logic had a purpose, a message, a point to make with this song. He made it, loud and clear! So many people relate to this song because the lyrics are basically words and feelings taken from our own head and put into a song for the whole world to see, except WE are not the ones saying it. For those who have not heard it, I suggest you do, but with caution, it is a hard song to listen to.|
Just like Logic’s lyrics “I Been Taking My Time”, I am very SLOWLY transitioning into the inspirational part of the song, but I am currently stuck and wrapped up in the devastating lyrics that oddly resemble my life at this moment. When we lost Addison, it wasn’t just losing a five-month-old kid. I lost a piece of myself. I was faced with my biggest fear...CHANGE. In more than just one situation. I lost my daughter, home, normality, certain friends, and family. I had to adjust to a completely new life, and lifestyle. I wasn't given a taste, I have given the whole god damn platter at once. My entire life was flipped UPSIDE DOWN with absolutely no clues how to fix it...
Now, we all have a sole purpose right? We all have a job or mission, so to speak? Our fate is decided for us before we are even born, right? Well, I strongly feel that my purpose is to be a mom, a caregiver, a "boo-boo" fixer, a cleaner of spilled milk, a nurturer, a teacher, a protector. When Addy passed, I didn't just lose her, I lost a part of myself. A part of my personality, my heart, my love, the self-confidence I had, my self-views. All gone. I called into question everything I did, as a mom, as a human being, as a person. I evaluated myself and questioned what I did, to lose her. And have been struggling to find that part of myself again. I have changed my clothes, my hair, my outlook on life. I tried everything to find answers, to look for clues... I often find myself numb, blind, living my life with constant tunnel vision. Most times I cannot remember what happened during the day unless I photograph it or document it. I have heard from many family members and will probably hear from friends after reading this, that they, "Didn't notice it", ("it" being the signs). The signs of depression, anxiety, suicidal thoughts. They didn't notice how I really feel. People will ask why I have not said anything or reached out for help and support. However, what people don't realize is that it works both ways. I may not have sought help, but those very same people didn't bother to ask how I am doing, which may explain why they didn't notice the "signs". It is not easy to accept or admit weakness. We are taught to be strong and not allow the devil to get the best of us, make us weak. I have been told that I put on a good mask or "front". That I hide my pain very well. The reason for that is because there are people out there that are doing far worse than me. Their problems are much worse than mine. I don't seek pity. I try to be grateful for what I still have. My home, my fiancé, my other two kids, my family. I try to tell myself that I cannot move on in my grieving process if I am constantly dwelling on the negative. So I hide it, most of it. I try to ignore it. I try to tell myself I am okay. I try to distract myself by taking on other people's problems, because maybe just maybe...it will make me forget... even if just for a moment. Which I guess is toxic and unhealthy as well... I told people when everything first happened with Addison that I would be alright at first, that eventually when the adrenaline wore off, I would crash and when I did... It would be hard and ugly. I guess everyone didn't believe or understand what I meant?
For those concerned, don't worry. I am making progress, every day. I get a little better. It gets a little easier to adjust. Of course, losing her will always haunt me, being without her will never be easy, but eventually, it will become normal to be without her... I do have hard days, the beginning of the month is particularly difficult for me. I often lay in bed for hours without moving. I often scroll through my phone over and over looking at her pictures, while crying. I often feel physically weak and cannot complete my goals for that day. I often get moody and freak on anyone and everyone that comes into my path. And most days I have to hug my son extra tight and tell him repeatedly how much I love him. BUT, I am making progress. People say it is "normal" to have good and bad days. I much prefer the good days over bad, but according to the therapists, it is healthy to feel the pain and loss. So I guess it is inevitable?
For those who have told us we need to move on... CLEARLY you have never lost a child, and for that I envy you. I do not wish this pain upon you. EVER! However, if that ever does happen to you, I can only hope that people do not treat you the same way they have treated us. NEWS FLASH! There is no time limit, there is no "moving on" for a parent who has lost a baby/child. There is only "adjusting"! Adjusting to life without her here. Closing the chapter and starting a new one. Not forgetting her, but living without her. I have learned, that losing her, being without her is not the worst thing to handle in this life, but trying to rebuild your life...trying to keep going. While my world is at a standstill and feels as though I cannot go on...realizing that the entire world around me is still moving at full speed. Having to keep going. Still being a mom to my son and stepdaughter. But by far the worst thing is the constant tunnel vision, the constant "THIS IS MY LIFE??", the constant having to pinch myself to make sure I am awake and not dreaming. The constant numbness. THAT is the worst part. Having to rebuild your life at 23. Relearning everything I ever learned. Feeling like a helpless child again. Starting over...
I guess my hopes for this is to raise awareness. To give you insight into a grieving mother's mind. OR maybe just to vent and get everything off my chest. I am not entirely sure. But people need to know... That depression is real, suicidal thoughts EXIST. THIS is what parents go through when they lose a kid. And just because you don't see the signs doesn't mean they are not there. PAY ATTENTION!|
I am an angel mom.
My baby DID exist.
I am never going to "move on".
I have a baby in heaven and she is my hero.