Little Sister, you have saved my life

Dearest LJ,

You are eighteen, about to head off to college in one of the most prolific times in our country's history, and yet I hold no fear in my heart for your future. Your generation has been put through the ringer of insanity. From the gun violence epidemics in your schools, to the recessions and torn apart economics, to the sheer hopelessness of the Climate Change dystopian future, you have carried yourself with a sense of dignity and unrivaled compassion.

You are everything I always wanted to raise you to be. I tell you all the time how I love you and how proud I am of all you have achieved but at times I think you don't really understand how deeply I mean it. I was eleven when you were born, transitioning from childhood to something else, and taking care of you taught me so much. As a baby you were of course a lesson in responsibility. Not only in making sure you were fed and clean but also socially.

I don't think I was ever in danger of being a pregnant teenager because who in their right mind would have wanted to have sex with teenage me. However, I never acted recklessly because I knew what it took to raise a child. You were an expensive and exhausting little thing! I loved you from the moment I first laid eyes on you though and staying home taking care of you was a privilege and an honor.

I always encouraged your creativity and you gave me a place where I could be silly and imaginative right alongside you. Depression hit me very hard in those teenage years, I even cut myself on occasion and thought the world would go on fine without me if I just faded from it. Yet the only thing that kept me from doing anything worse to myself was the thought of leaving you alone in this world. I couldn't fathom you thinking that I did not love you enough to make something of myself or to keep trying.

You and I are nothing alike though. While I prefer to live in my dream world and avoid any and all confrontation you describe yourself as a bitch with no hesitation. I don't know where you got that attitude from but I am so happy you have it. I know that the world has hurt you and because of that you have formed this armor of cynicism and rage around yourself but it is a good thing. This world is tough as fuck and knowing that you will not let it bulldoze you into submission gives me a lot of hope.

I know I do not have to worry about you living on without me. I think that is a fear every person that has raised a child has, will they survive on their own, but I know that not only will you overcome you will thrive. You have a hardness to you that is both unyielding and flexible.

It is unyielding because it is built upon layers of difficult experiences. You have gone through a lot of obstacles. From your sexual and gender transformations and investigations to your artistic growth, you have endless stories of how you became who you are.

It is flexible however because you are not afraid to still be vulnerable. You still swat away those that will likely be a bad experience but that does not mean you do not open yourself to unknown things. I like to say you get this curiosity of the world from me but truly it is all your own.

On paper, you have always been a bit of an overachiever. You sing, you dance, you play guitar, you write, you make art with clay and paint and other tools. I mean, you are endlessly talented! You also have an incredible academic strength and a path in your mind for where you want your future to go.

I mean, you got into every college you applied to with honors and scholarships to boot! This is mostly due to that incredible Game of Thrones essay you wrote but the important thing is those people saw and recognized you for the badass you are.

I know you struggle with feeling worthy of all you have achieved. Yet you are no imposter, honey, you are still just forming into whatever it is you are going to become.

The world is a brighter place with you in it and I am so proud and happy to have stuck around to see you grow. We live in horribly interesting times but with minds like yours out there I truly have hope for the future. You still have a lot to learn. I'm sure there are some heartbreaks and an existential crisis or two for you to call me and rant about.

Just know that to me there is no greater honor than being the one you turn to.

Love forever and always,

Your Older Sister