Life Lessons Courtesy of My Transgender Son

When my son came out as transgender, I saw firsthand how some people — family, friends, and strangers alike — mistook his courage for weakness, confusion, or seeking attention. It’s much too easy to dismiss someone or something when you don’t understand it or haven’t experienced it yourself. So, for the record, being transgender is not a choice.

It takes an enormous amount of bravery to come out, so we should appreciate those who choose to share their individuality with us. What follows are lessons I’ve learned that have shown me how to be supportive of individual gender identity as well as help all of us understand a little bit about what it means to be transgender.

1. Someone else’s gender should not matter.

Humans are naturally inquisitive. When we meet or see someone new, there are many questions that pop into our heads?

Who’s that? Do I know that person?

Maybe our brains go even further if we don’t recognize that person.

Man or woman?

I’ve learned to recognize habitual internal dialogue like this after my son came out as transgender, and I began learning what that means. I’m embarrassed to admit that it took me a while to realize I even allowed that last question to enter my thoughts — and that it was exclusive to the cliche options of male or female.

I’ve intentionally tried to eradicate those automatic default questions from my mind. Realizing they popped into my head at all has been illuminating.

If we don’t know someone’s name, how could we possibly know their gender? And, more importantly, why does it matter anyway?

Another human being’s gender is no one else’s business.

2. Pronouns matter.

When my child’s preference in pronouns changed from she/her to he/him, it wasn’t easy to change my habit of speaking to accommodate this. There was a big learning curve to overcome. But I did it because I want my kid to know that I support him no matter what his gender or identity entails. I would do the same for a friend, neighbor, coworker, or anyone.

It would have been easy to use that learning curve as an excuse to stick with the old pronouns or even the old name. But that would be selfish. That would only bolster the refusal to acknowledge my child for who he truly is in the most passive-aggressive way possible. As parents, friends, and family members, we do not want to send that kind of message to those we love.

The message we want to send is that they are loved, accepted, and cherished as they are.

3. There are many reasons to show empathy for another person’s journey in life.

We can’t genuinely comprehend another person’s struggles without walking in their shoes, so it’s impossible to judge someone simply based on a passing glance.

But many of us routinely judge away often due to self-comparison or personal insecurity. This is where we need to practice empathy instead of scrutiny.

Maybe we have physical characteristics that we’d rather not have — and that we’d rather not have anyone else notice. Maybe at some point in our lives, we find ourselves wanting to look different in some way. Many trans people are in the unique position to have physical characteristics that they not only dislike, but that can be detrimental to their mental well-being.

Because of this, many transgender folk use accessories that most cishet people aren’t aware exist. Some transgender individuals bind their breasts. To bind or not bind is a personal choice and not based on “passing” as any specific gender. It’s more about feeling comfortable in their own skin. Binders help alleviate some trans people’s body dysphoria symptoms.

My son happens to bind his chest and has learned that there are safe and unsafe ways to bind. He uses the internet to purchase his binders from gc2b (this is not an affiliate link, merely a safe option for those interested). This gender-affirming apparel company is owned and operated by trans folk.

There are several other accessories that many trans people use. Packers, packing underwear, packing straps and harnesses, breast inserts, tuck tape, and stand-to-pee accessories are all optional items some transgender folk utilize to help alleviate the stress that gender dysphoria can cause.

The daily lengths to which some transgender people go to feel more like their authentic selves would be overwhelming for most of us. It’s impossible to fathom fighting against your reflection in the mirror every single day to reduce your stress and anxiety surrounding your existence unless you suffer from gender dysphoria.

Empathy is a good way toward understanding others.

4. The fluidity of gender and sexuality is real.

Kids, teens, and young adults — even some older adults — are merely trying to figure themselves out. Life is a journey filled with learning and experiences that help us understand ourselves and the rest of the world a little more each day. Allowing people the time and grace required to become who they truly are is imperative.

We need to steer away from those traditional binary answers to gender and sexuality. It is not simply male or female, gay or straight. There are a plethora of categories involving gender and sexuality. Our ability — or inability — to understand them all is entirely irrelevant. Every person has the right to live their authentic self.

Don’t all of us just want to live our own lives in peace regardless of how we identify?

5. Knowing who your allies are is helpful.

My son is friends with a transgender girl, Catalina, who is one of the sweetest people you could ever hope to meet and have the pleasure to get to know. She has been to our home many times and recently went shopping with us. It wasn’t until after we took her home that my son told me about the bathroom incident.

This poor kid held it for more than an hour until she could access the family restroom because she was afraid of not ‘passing’ well enough to use the ladies’ room when we were at a large clothing store. Can you imagine having so much stress attached to something so basic?

Had I known this at the time, I would have offered to enter the women’s restroom with her in the hopes it would help relieve some of her anxiety. No kid — transgender or not — should have to feel that much concern and apprehension about whether or not to use the bathroom.

A good trans-ally offers to help alleviate the anxiety a transgender person might be feeling whether regarding a visit to the bathroom or something else. It’s essential to make our support known.

6. Not every person’s opinion matters or is relevant.

Most people know this, but it isn’t always easy to dismiss what our peers or family members express, or sometimes even what strangers say. Everyone wants acceptance for who they are.

“Some people are just assholes, and that’s okay. I don’t let it bother me.” — Zair, my amazing son who happens to be trans, creative thinker, and blunt speaker of truth

Although a bit crude, these words of wisdom were spoken to me by my son when he was seventeen. I try to remember them any time I read a hateful comment online or hear one in public.

No matter what causes or groups I feel passionate about supporting or helping, there will always be people who oppose my interests. And while everyone has a right to their opinions…so do I.

7. Trans youth are some of the bravest people I’ve ever met.

The tenacious courage some young adults show while living as their authentic selves is admirable, especially with the distressing statistics on suicide rates of transgender youth.

Those youth within the LGBTQ+ community who persist in thriving give me hope during a time when the number of homeless within this group is climbing.

Hope for a future filled with authentic humans with open minds and hearts who are willing to accept anyone for their individual expression.

Humanity consists of a spectrum of people. Hopefully, these life lessons bring new focus to this reality. Not everyone needs to fit into a category or be labeled.

There will be many more lessons my son has yet to teach me. My mind and heart are open and ready.

Here are 10 Questions Every Parent Should Ask Their Transgender Teen.

Zada Kent is co-founder of LGBTQueer-ies & proud parent to her transgender son.