Life is never fair.

It's a cliche, I know, but as I sit here watching cartoons with my kids and drinking coffee, it's become clearer the older I get. As a child you're given mixed messages. "Be kind. Don't hate." but also "the real world is a cruel place. Toughen up." Which can be confusing as you get older. One thing I was always told however, was that life is never fair. I had it shouted at me, told in passing or even said it myself. Though I learned the truth behind those words at a young age, I always wished and hoped that it would be one day. When my stepfather treated me differently than my siblings simply because I wasn't his real child, I learned. When he began to beat me and tell me awful things, I learned. When my mother finally kicked him out and started the divorce process, I thought things would turn around. I thought that things would start being 'fair'. However, as we all know, it never is. I learned it more and more harshly as the years went on. Every time my mother decided to buy alcohol/pills instead of paying for heating oil. Each time my heart had been broken. When my siblings had to leave and live with their father and I stayed with my mom. When my mother chose her demons over her children. I learned.

Looking at my children, and the life they have;I wonder if they'll ever look back and think 'wow we were lucky'. I have so many memories of screaming at the world "It's not fair!" Well I've found myself doing it again, but not for me. No. For my children. "It's not fair." Though I whisper it to myself every time there's another mass shooting. Every time my precious little ones have to witness their father and I arguing. Whenever they start to ask questions about the world and I'm terrified to tell them anything. At one point I would've just shrugged and said 'hey that's life.' However, I can't do that anymore. I don't want my children to look at me and think giving up is an option. I don't want them to stop trying and then settle for less than they deserve. Not like I did.

Though I can already see they're learning that not everything works in the way we want. I desperately wish I could change that. I wish I could be that mom they see in TV shows or commercials, but I'm already trying so hard to be what I am now. It's unfair but does anyone really know what fair is? I suppose it's different for everyone. Maybe that's why nothing is, because what's fair to me may not be fair to someone else. No matter how badly I want it to be. Is it fair that I get to hug and kiss my children every day when other parents can't? Not a bit. Is it fair that I have so much now while others have so little? Of course not! How can we make things fair in a world that refuses to agree on what that means? It doesn't seem to be getting any better. I'm rambling and ranting, and maybe none of this makes sense to anyone except me but, will any of us ever truly know what fair is? Will we one day sit back and think "Yes, this is fair. Great job everyone."? Or will my children end up crying in the middle of the night cursing the world and it's unfairness like I once did?

It's terrible to imagine but I don't see things changing or getting better. Life, existence, is unfair and I suppose it always will be.