Life after a loved one's death

It is tough to want to continue to live once you’ve lost someone. Moving forward is difficult. Existing in a world where that person is not present is hard. All you want to do is to go back. Go back and relive all the memories with that person. Tell this person repeatedly about how much you love them and appreciate them in your life. Hold them tight. Don’t let them away from your sight ever. And spend every single moment you can with them. Because once they are gone, life becomes a nightmare, and finding the motivation to move on is hard.

At the start of 2020, I lost my uncle. My uncle was more than a father to me. He loved me like his own child. He has given me so many things. He encouraged and supported me to pursue my dreams of going to university in another country, even if that option was difficult. He helped me so much, whether it was emotionally or financially. There was no limit to the amount of love he had for me and the other people in my family.

When I lost him, it felt like a nightmare. I went home after 1.5 years of being away, and within a week of being there, he left us. It felt like my mind went blank during the entirety of his funeral, but the feeling that I had was not even sadness. It was guilt. The guilt of not having come home earlier. Or yet more often. I also regretted having even pursued my dream of going abroad. I regretted not having spent enough time with him. I was trying to remember moments spent with him, and I could not remember anything. I was utterly invested in this new abroad life of mine that I never even realized that he was suffering.

The pain of losing someone is definitely the worst in life. I do not think I will even get over this pain. I will never get over the fact that I won’t be able to tell him I graduated. That I got my first job. That I have enough money to invest in all his crazy yet innovative ideas. Every day I ask the same question. ‘Why did he leave so soon? Could he have not waited a little bit more?’

The thing is maybe he could not wait anymore. He was suffering too much. His body was failing him, but yet still, he never managed to fail me. I will always remember that even in his sickness, he came to receive me from the airport when I came back home. I will never forget that he made sure that I was okay when I got home. I will always remember the few moments I spent massaging his feet. I will never forget the serene look on his face the last time I saw him before he left.

This man has been so important in my life. I had hoped to have him for longer, but he was suffering a lot. That was the first time I experienced the reality of death when someone I had not expected to go so soon, left so suddenly. Death of loved ones really takes a toll. It's a pain that I will carry for the entirety of life. A pain that I will have to learn to live with. Moving forward is so painful, and yet I have to do it. I have to continue doing what I want in life because all that person wanted was for me to be happy. For him, I have to keep going forward even if it hurts every day to exist in a world which he is no longer part of.