"Is That All You Do?"

Most of the women I know have suffered some form of physical or sexual abuse. My boss’s marriage just ended, at least partly, because of her husband’s lack of ability to control his temper. The world has crumbled in the last year and a half as people have shown their lack of empathy- how the tiny inconvenience of wearing a fabric face covering in public is not worth saving lives.

I help to prevent these very outcomes and more. I’m not a doctor or a lawyer and I don’t make the kind of money that allows me to have anything left after paying my bills. But I am an incredibly useful and shockingly underrated cog in the wheel of our society.

My working conditions took a lot of getting used to. The expectations I had, even based on more than a decade in this industry, left me completely unprepared. In 2018, I was introduced to two of the most difficult and complex humans I’ve ever had to deal with.

Jake’s temper wasn’t something out of a movie; It was something that would never make it into a movie because people would laugh and think he was some over-exaggerated caricature. When I first met him, he was completely feral. In those early days, I regularly got hurt at work. I still have a thumb that does not work properly. Because my income doesn’t make me feel particularly secure, I tried to rely on a finger splint, and ended up waiting a long time for an x-ray. There’s nothing that can be done now, the doctors told me. Two years later, my thumb does not flex properly and still hurts if you squeeze it in the middle and on days when it rains.

Lissa was okay as long as you catered to her every whim. This is why people don’t go into demanding industries, I told myself during my first week. This lady was mean as can be. The previous employee who’d been left in charge of my job-training told me to just “do what she says” and things would be easier. But I’ve seen The Devil Wears Prada and the employees who lay down and let people run them over with never succeed in the long run. I earned her loyalty, slowly. There were months, that I’ve since blocked out. Completely inappropriate and hurtful insults, spewed in anger when she didn’t like how I handled things. I went home exhausted every day.

There was a time, early on, when I wondered if I should stay, but I’m not a quitter, and I just wanted this to work!

....But man, those kids are a handful!

I love my job because eventually it stopped feeling like a job. It started out rough and I met every challenge with a solution. I made a difference in the lives of two children, and I learned things that will help equip me to raise my own someday. I am prepared for anything.

Emergency snacks? I’ve got them. Plan B in case Plan A is cancelled- in case we run late, in case someone doesn’t like plan A, in case there’s an actual global pandemic? I’ve got this.

The kids that I met three and a half years ago were (no exaggeration) on their way to Juvie – at least, Jake was. But now they are two worldly, well-educated kids, sensitive, kind, articulate, and equipped with a very solid musical theatre background.

When I first met the kids, they were three and five. The first time I picked up Lissa at her pre-school her teacher asked me “What else do you do- Do you just BABYSIT?” I resisted the urge to go off on her- besides, I probably made twice as much as she did.

I was tempted to clap back about how I have two degrees, how I also work in activism, occasionally perform in regional theatre, and am pursuing a career as a writer. But instead I just smiled.

Besides, no one wants to hear what nannies actually do.

Though I was initially hired as the afternoon nanny, I spent the first year of the pandemic working with the kids all day. They were enrolled in school, which was mostly a big time-suck. Their teachers used ineffective curriculum- Lissa’s first grade class spent 5 months learning “scooping” which is one of the worst reading techniques I’ve ever heard of. And they did a full unit on the “breve” which is a phonetic symbol 95 percent of humans don’t know of and don’t need to know. I taught the kids commas, semicolons, story development, and grammar. I taught them made-up songs to learn how to spell SCHOOL and BRIGHT/NIGHT/SIGHT and every other word with a silent G-H). We read books and they went from being behind to being well over a year ahead.

At the end of the year, we received feedback from their teachers so pleased with their writing progress. “Wow, that story you wrote was impressive, I don’t even remember teaching you how to do that,” Jake’s teacher said in a Zoom class. “It’s so nice to see your progress,” Lissa’s teacher praised. “It’s so gratifying because writing is my favorite subject to teach.” I held back the very loud commentary in my head.

Teachers don’t want to know what nannies are doing.

Jake, who regularly acted aggressively with me and his sister recently started stopping his violent and impulsive behavior after being asked once. Okay, this one doesn’t sound as impressive as jumping a grade level, but this is not a neurotypical kid and this was a BIG advancement. His parents certainly don't know that this is the result of years of working on consent, empathy, self-control, etc.

Parents have no clue what nannies are doing unless they see that the dishes aren’t done and then they wonder if we’re earning our keep.

I love my job because I have no doubt of the difference that I have made every day.

Out in the world, I have to wear headphones if I go somewhere to get work done, or else a man will always strike up a conversation and refuse to leave even when asked explicitly. I’m afraid to walk alone at night, because I’ve been harassed almost every time. Mechanics talk down to me because I’m a woman and men in every industry often mansplain.

I’ve struggled with some female friends who never learned how to communicate without competing. Much like the lesson from the previous nanny who gave me some job training, a lot of women become rude and petty unless they’re given what they want.

But I don’t hand over an Ipad to shut someone up. I don’t watch violent behavior without speaking up. And to two children, that changed their world and their future.

Frankly, a lot of people out there could use a nanny like me.