Are You Raising An Asshole? Part 2: Are You Teaching Your Kids To Be Fat-Phobic on Purpose or Is It Just A Bonus?

I have loved (most of) the last 3.5 years nannying for two spirited kids. The little girl and I are best friends- we'll call her LG for little girl. And the boy, who I spoke about in the Part One of this series, we will call PC, short for Problem Child. I love him too, but he keeps me on my toes!

I can safely say that PC is the most challenging human I have ever met, and part of that is innate. It has some relation to him having some challenges that have not truly been treated yet. As a young child, he was once diagnosed as being on the spectrum- I suspect he has aspergers and ADHD...and he is likely mildly dyslexic.

I'm not a medical professional, but thankfully, I am a really, really good nanny. We have tackled so many things together. Thanks to the pandemic and getting out of spending all of his time in a brick and mortal school, I took the reins and got PC, 9 years old, from an E reading level (Kindergarten) to a Q (4th grade...at least). His social behavior is worlds from what it was when I started. I dont know what a medical professional would say, but unlike when he was 6 years old and really struggled with self-control, this kid is 100 percent able to control himself when he so chooses.

Unfortunately, I've learned, though I can surprisingly make a solid dent in managing a myriad of issues, I cannot control what kind of messaging he is receiving at home.

There have been a few blips along the way, but what inspired me to write about this is that in the last week alone there have been several major issues with clear roots.

A few days ago, PC learned the word KAREN from his dad and we had a talk about why that isn't a word he will be using...

This morning the kids told me what they did this weekend. They went to the beach. No talk about the water or the sun. PC wants to tell me about what they saw.

"There was a mean lady at the beach next to us," PC tells me. "Dad and I saw her talking to her three kids and we didn't think she was nice. She made the oldest kid go to the trash can by himself to throw out the trash."

"Hmm," I say. "Well, I'm guessing since that was the oldest kid, she felt safe sending him to throw out the trash because it was safer for her to watch the other two kids... Also, I'm wondering if she made the kid throw out the trash was because it was his trash and she wanted him to be responsible for it. You know, like how I make you pick up after yourself when you make a mess..."

"Well, Dad said that the reason she didn't want to go throw out the trash herself is because she was LAZY... And we think it was because she was a really FAT lady."

"I see," I tell PC. "You know, that's actually a really problematic story, PC. So... I think what you're telling me is that because this lady was larger than you or your dad, who are both built very slim, you are assuming she's lazy. Is that what you're saying?"

"Well, my dad said that..."

"So... remember when talked before about whether there is a connection between Fat and Lazy?"

PC remembers. In fact, we have had this talk several times. Luckily, we've had a wonderful living example at his house 25 hours a week. Me. I don't like the label fat, but I usually clock in around a size 12/14. Ive fluctuacted a few times due to some big health issues the last few years, which makes it even more confusing for these kids. However, it shouldn't be confusing.

Let me say this again, because this is the point I want you to walk away with, friends. It shouldn't be confusing. And that's why I need to write this.

A few times, in our 3.5 year history, both kids have commented on my body. It sucks. On one memorable occasion, PC made a mean comment suggesting that I didn't eat well and that was why I was fat.

I said: "That just hurts my feelings...but let's look at it this way.... what am I having for lunch today? Oh, a salad and some grilled chicken. On a scale of one to ten how healthy is that...pretty good, huh? And have you ever seen Bonnie really eat anything junky over the last 3 years? That's right, you havent. ...And what did you kids eat today? Grilled cheese, potato chips, cookies, and frozen yogurt... So, I wonder, who do you think eats healthier if we had to choose? Oh, I win? Hmm...so, you kids eat a lot of junk food- are you kids fat? Hmmm...so you are super skinny and eat junk all day, and Bonnie is a little chubby and eats super healthy and works out all the time. So we can learn two things: 1, maybe being fat isn't just a result of what we eat, and 2, regardless of what thoughts you have it's not cool to comment on people's bodies."

Yes, I did spell it out that specifically and boldly- although less lectury. ALL of this info was shared, but more within a conversation without making them feel they were being talked down to.

The thing is, kids are not idiots. I sure wish people would stop treating them like they were.

What kids ARE is ignorant. Not ignorant with the negative connotation we have when we call adults ignorant. Kids are just ignorant as in they have never received most information- so whatever they receive, becomes a "fact"- especially when it's given to them by an authority figure or a respected adult.

So when mom and dad say, "No you dont need seconds, you're gonna get fat." or "You can't skip karate practice - you'll get fat." or "No we can't have ice cream today we don't want you to be fat." the kids become fearful of fat without any actual scholarly info of how to take care of their bodies. They also see all people who appear to fall into this definition of "FAT" as falling into all things their parents told them not to do.

Oh, theres a fat person- they are obviously lazy, they dont exercise, and they eat badly.

And all of a sudden your kid is a little fat-shaming asshole, seeing a heavy woman at the beach. A woman who probably struggles to wear her bathing suit- in fact, she's probably wearing a cover up. And this woman has three kids and responsibly helped her 8 year old take responsibility for his trash, but yeah let's call her lazy because she has a tummy.

Or we can stop making assumptions, because they're often wrong, and they're always rude.

Cleaning up vomit is one of the worst things about being a nanny. I've done it probably 4 times in the last 3.5 years. But the thing thats worse than that is cleaning up the mess made by ignorant comments that help raise ignorant children.

How do we fix this mess? This one makes me particularly mad because I don't know how to, with a straight face, explain to a grown up that it's wrong to comment on someone's body. Then again, someone along the road fed you that misinformation as well.