I Remember

For generations my family lived over the peaceful hills. We were the earliest inhabitants, the only ones for the longest time. The hills were rich in nutrients, full of potential, and we expanded. Although life was hard, the atmosphere was pleasant, and we thrived off one another. In a sense, it was a perfect life, at least for me. I remember so much of my adolescence, always looking up to my elders, and striving to become precisely like them. In a way, that is what we all did, to become the same, to be healthy, and to nurture one another. I learned that from a young age, and continuously reached out to others for guidance and help when I needed it most, and even when I did not need it. Purely to build knowledge, to become wise much like the others. I wanted to be wise one day, I constantly told myself as I grew up.

Though, from a young age I sensed something about myself that I discovered was unnatural for our kind. We thrived on providing and nurturing for all life in the area and expansion along the great hills. I however felt out of place, and soon realized I was in fact not where I was meant to be. As I felt her presence, her existence, I wanted to be where she was, to be by her side instead of where I remained. The fact was I felt love for another in a manner that was unnatural, and although I loved all others, the love I felt for her was beyond any other’s comprehension.

She was distant, but close enough where I was capable of sensing her. We sensed each other from a young age, but she never knew how I felt about her. Her very presence, although as distant as it was, was toxic, and at times I felt depressed and sickened by the thoughts of not ever being able to be close to her. The more we grew, the weaker I felt, as the toxicity of my love at the same time was harming. By a certain age, all I was able to wonder was about her, whether she recognized me, if she knew how much I loved her, or if she even knew what that meant, as it was for me. I longed for her, and as the longing intensified, I grew sick. Sickened by a love that was out of my control, and it drew me further from becoming the wise being I always wanted to become.

My days were limited and dwindled, as my family realized there was something wrong with me, they could feel it in the air, in the ground. When I realized they decided not to support me, and over time they said their goodbyes, I begged as the days furthered, to save me, so that I was able to remain with her. They did not understand what I needed. I needed water and nutrients to survive, as everyone else did, but I needed something else to live and thrive: her presence and love.

A day came when I began to crack inside, and it drove me insane that I was different, that my own family abandoned me. I stopped growing, and the aches I felt within were unfathomable, for I was dying. I knew I was, knew that I could not be saved by a certain point, and there was no returning to my young, healthy self. In my last days, I wished I never felt the way I did for her, but towards the end, I continued to reach out for her, to let her know I existed, loving her truly. I realized that although love was killing me, it was the best feeling — knowing I was unique in that way. If only she knew who she was to me. I continued to reach, to spread my loving energy towards her, to get some kind of signal back.

The day arrived when pieces of myself fell, my leaves shed, and I knew it was my last chance to reach her, to communicate my love. The energy within my core and roots were limited, but I channeled nearly what remained through the ground, through fungi, towards her, but no signal was returned. I was lost, and did not know what to do in my final hours. As I said my goodbyes to fellow family members, and began to speak to her clearly with my lingering energy, the wind blew. A few of my dried leaves remained, and as the wind shifted towards the direction of her presence, I released them filled with the rest of my energy, my absolute love, in hope that they would reach her. As I drifted unconscious, as the life within me drained completely, I felt one leaf reach her, I felt her presence, and she held me. The last moment I remember was a single spark of energy, filled with a sensation from her. A sensation I often saw in humans: a blush.