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I Remember

Rebecca's Lullaby

By Jordan Gabriel ClarkPublished 3 years ago 18 min read
1

I will never forget the day when my parents brought me to view the bare bones of our soon-to-be home. It is a day forever etched into my mind. For it was a day that seemed to bring forth life, as well as the remainder of death. The home was in its final days before birth, but as I stood ahead of it, a shadow lingered throughout the open walls. It watched us, watched me, as I watched it, greeting it with a smile. At that moment, I never thought that that shadow would completely alter my reality in life. The instant we acknowledged each other’s presence, we became bound.

Once the walls were built, oddly enough we were allowed to sleep at the unfinished home, to break it in I supposed. It was night when we arrived, and excitedly, with the memory of her presence, I ran in with my sleeping bag in hand. Eager to see her, I ran in, flicking all the light switches to find the right one for the foyer.

“Go see your room!” Ma yelled from behind.

Completely absent, I realized I had not responded to her, as I was in search of my new companion. I walked slowly towards the stairs, unaware of where she resided, but surely knew her presence was near. When I came to the stairs, I carefully glanced around. As I ascended, there was an opening in the wall that peered into the kitchen. Her hands were placed carefully upon the sill while she stood within the kitchen below, and she gazed up at me. I saw her clearly, dressed in white, clothes from a time long before my own. She smiled, as I smiled. I remained there for a moment, shy as I was, not knowing what to say even though I had had conversations with her in my mind many times. We simply gazed at one another. In a sense, I felt she needed me as much as I needed her.

My smile simply brightened, igniting her own, and I turned slowly to face the stairs again. There was a lightswitch upon the wall, and I watched her eyes follow my hand as I slowly reached for it. It was fascinating. She was fascinated. Every part of her as she glowed, brightening the kitchen in a sense. I could tell she was happy. I continued onward happily too, knowing I found her. The stairs led to a long and bare hallway. I switched the light, and tucked in the back corner at the end was my new room. I pushed the door open, while scents of fresh paint, wood, and all the matter that created a home, washed over me, through me. I threw the sleeping bag upon the floor, and turned around to find that she stood a short distance away from my door.

I stood, staring, and shyly, asked, “What is your name?” However, oddly somehow I knew, in a sense.

“Rebecca,” she said softly, slowly, and with a smile.

I acknowledged by nodding.

“Jogie, let’s eat!“ Ma called out from downstairs.

“I’m coming!“ I projected past Rebecca, and then approached her slowly and whispered, “we’re having pizza.”

Her eyes widened, yet, in confusion, and I thought perhaps she was unsure of what I meant. Her head dropped, but her smile remained, out of shyness.

I whispered again, “oh, well, I will be back soon.”

Her eyes met mine again, and she turned to mimic my direction.

Together, we walked down the hallway, where she stopped and remained at the top of the stairs while I descended for dinner. When I reached the foyer, I glanced upwards, but she was gone. It intrigued me.

When I returned to my room, Ma had placed a small lamp by my sleeping bag since bulbs had not been fixed into the rooms yet. Rebecca was nowhere in sight, which caused me to wonder if she did not like the light. I readied myself for bed as I normally would, glancing around in the dim rooms, seeking for any sign of her glisten. Though, she had not appeared, and I crawled into my temporary bed on the floor, somewhat saddened that I would sleep alone again — as I had my entire life. I laid for awhile, repeating my encounter with her, wondering if she would show herself again, and especially in wonder about who she was or where she came from. I was old enough to know she was a spirit. Though, it was a mystery to me why she dwelled there of all places. I did not mind. Immediately, I found a companion in the foreign town, and I was happy about that fact, for I worried I would be alone for a time. It was not what I expected.

When I decided to shut out the light, to rest my sleepy eyes, I felt something instantly: a nudge upon my foot. My eyes widened. However, I was not afraid. I was intrigued, and my mind instantly veered towards her. A moment passed as I realized what I felt. I felt fingers upon my toes as they gently grasped. After I propped myself upright upon my elbow, I focused my eyes in the dark, knowing that she likely did not enjoy the light. I saw her. Her glow was brilliant. So was her smile.

“Jogie, is that your name?” She whispered in a soft tone.

“Yes. Hello. I wondered where you wandered,” I returned a bright smile, and it remained.

“I was here,” she announced simply.

“Oh, but I couldn’t see you,” I responded, curious.

“Well, I simply admired you from the light. I like the light. I do not like darkness,” her smile widened and faded as she spoke the words.

I studied her behavior, her words, and found her absolutely wonderful. She admired me? I liked that.

“You like darkness?” She wondered.

“I do. But-but… if you like the light, I will turn it on,” and I reached for the switch on the cable to flick it.

“How… does it work?” Curiosity in her tone and intrigue in her glistening eyes as she absorbed the light’s radiance.

“Oh… Uhm, it’s electricity. You… don’t know what that is?” I slowed towards the end of my words, examining her white dress, which appeared quite ancient.

She slowly shook her head a few times.

“Rebecca, who are you?” I questioned, curiosity filled in tone.

Her head tilted slightly, and she gazed at me. Her eyes dropped for a brief moment, and before she returned them to mine own, she said, “I’ve been waiting for you for a long time, Jogie.”

Puzzled briefly by her response, not fully understanding, I asked, “you know me?”

She shook her head again slowly, and explained further, “you are my light in darkness. My mother told me that when I passed on, I would be greeted by a light, so that I can find my way to heaven. I have been waiting, remaining here for… a very long time, and now you have arrived.”

My eyes widened.

Her response startled me. I understood she was dead, and understood what she meant. Though, I wondered why. I wanted her to stay. I wanted her to stay with me. I did not want to be alone anymore. I must have blinked, so it seemed, a thousand times before I met her gaze again. When I did, her expression was soft, almost worried or saddened. I wanted to comfort her.

“I want you to be happy. But, w-will you stay with me awhile longer?” I whispered, and somehow I felt weirdly after the words came out. It was strange, the feeling. One I never experienced before. Yes, I knew loneliness, knew what longing for companionship felt like, but a new emotion came over me. I did not want her to leave. It was as if we immediately connected the moment we first visited. As if we were drawn to one another. I was her savior. She was mine. Did I love a spirit? Was it love? I felt the answer as the thought flooded my mind.

“Jogie, are you feeling well? She asked worriedly.

“Oh, yes. I was thinking…” I quieted my mind then.

“About me?” Her smile returned.

“Well, yes, and…” I began, but was interrupted.

“I will stay with you, of course,” she briefly responded to my previous question, one I lost track of during my thoughts.

“Heh,” I expressed, simply, even though I was completely joyful, and the smile I wore grew immensely.

She returned such a beautiful smile.

As the night deepened, our friendship strengthened. Rebecca remained with me while I drifted into sleep, and even hummed a soothing lullaby, one that her mother hummed to her. I fell into a dreamlike state, but I remember clearly that she said the lullaby was the last thing she remembered before dying. I kept the light on for her, to ease her fears of darkness, which I learned during our conversation that she always dwelled within it until I arrived. My dreams were filled with her, from her stories of her own life, and after her death. See wandered, alone in the dark, for moments that seemed endless. I was the first person she encountered, of the living that is. She was drawn to me, somehow. She mentioned she heard me, and was drawn to my presence. For my presence was a kind of light, unmistakable, and she followed. I was her light, in a sense, and knowing that, hearing her say it, made me happy.

My years passed, and I grew into a young man. During those years, she never left my side while home. Just as she promised. To her, it felt as if time passed, but unknowingly. Rebecca was aware that it went by, but uncertain about how long. Time was even, remaining the same for her, never present, never passing, never advancing. Yet, she knew I grew older, and therefore was aware that time existed in some way, and she made sense of it as best she could in whatever afterlife realm she resided in — with me. Our bond grew, and companionship blossomed, and in a way, I was the only one for her, her light, while she was the only one for me, my light, my happiness. We existed, together, and were happy, existing together in parallel space. I was not alone, and neither was she. I loved her, and she loved me.

While she laid beside me one night, gazed at me for awhile in silence, normally being very talkative, she rested her delicate hand upon my cheek. I gazed back between blinks, an act I was jealous of her about, for she never had to blink any longer. We admired one another, which we had done often, and I will never forget the moment she asked for permission.

“Jogie, may I see my mother?” Asking softly in a whisper close to my face.

As I had done in the past, I imagined that I felt her breath against my skin, and at times I often thought I actually could. I blinked, processing her question, stunned, but fully aware of what she meant. It was time, and although her question startled me, I had not imagined it would be at that very moment. I blinked again with a slight smile, a sincere one, and responded, “you miss her. I sense that.”

She nodded once slightly, with a smile of her own.

“I will do anything for you, Rebecca. You know that,” I whispered, reaching my hand over to imagine brushing her hair from her eyes. That was when I noticed for the first time that a tear welled in the corner of her eye. It dripped as I motioned my hand across her face, and glided down towards the tip of her nose. My own eyes began to moisten, and I pretended to capture her single tear with my fingertip, completely knowing I could not. Yet, to my absolute surprise, the tear nestled warmly upon my finger. I caught my breath at the same moment Rebecca caught hers, and I watched her tear slide down my hand.

“It’s for you. I’ve been saving energy. As a gift. A way to remember me,” she leaned forward and gently pressed her lips to mine.

My tears fell. My heart sank into the bed. Though, my soul brightened, it reached, and I closed my eyes. Her kiss was beautiful, wondrous, as she was for me, what she meant to me.

“I will guide you in darkness, and know, absolutely know, that I will find you again. One way or another,” I said as my eyes opened to find hers upon me, eyes glistening and shimmering.

“I know we will see one another again,” she said and wiped the moisture from my eyes.

“I’m going to shut the light off, and I want you to follow my voice. Follow me. My soul,” I announced with a sob.

She gazed upon me, and nodded once after reaching for my face, to hold me.

The nightstand was close beside my bed, and I slowly veered my eyes from hers to turn my head towards the candle. I blew softly, and the room went dark. Although we remained in darkness, I clearly saw her glowing presence, her beauty.

In a gentle whisper, I uttered the words slowly, fiercely, “I love you… always.”

Warmth surrounded us, her glow ignited, and her cries were soft, and she whispered back, “Jogie, I will forever love you… I see you. I will always see you. My light in darkness.”

The room brightened for a moment. She smiled, as I smiled, and I leaned forward to kiss her. Her lips touched mine. Her glow faded slowly to dim, and her lullaby softly hummed from her throat. As our lips separated, I was left in darkness, with her tune continuing within my mind.. Though she vanished, I was not alone. For she was within my heart, was a part of my soul, and she would always remain with me. I whispered to her, “be with your mother, stay, as you stayed with me. I will see you again…”

20 Years Later — the room dimly lit by candlelight, a usual scenario while I wrote, a habit formed over numerous years of waiting for her, hoping that somehow she would return. I wrote, another habit I acquired after years of waiting, to pass the time during those sleepless nights. A habit that transitioned me from writing personally to professionally. I became a screenplay writer. The particular night when I sat at my desk felt as any other. Simply another day, another night, alone, with my keyboard and background noise. It was another night for writing, and finishing, the screenplay for a film inspired by my childhood, when I grew up loving a spirit. To others, it would be fiction. To me, it was reality. It was my past, and it was completely truth.

A new film played quietly in the background, and while I stared briefly at the computer screen, in a daze, I heard a familiar tune slowly fade into my ears. A tune, although unheard, I knew it. In a sense, it was Rebecca’s lullaby. As my attention grew, my eyes shifted towards the TV. My senses heightened, my heartbeat leaped, and I listened to the film’s score, to her voice, mesmerized. It was her. Although not exactly the hum I so often heard, it was her voice. I listened intently, as I drew backwards in my chair and the TV screen blurred when all my senses tuned into the music. My heart listened. My soul hummed. I knew it was Rebecca. It was.

When the film ended, the silence broke my trance. Yet, memories of our time together consumed my mind. At that moment I knew how to finish the screenplay, but I knew something else as well: I had to seek her out. A thought appeared as my attention shifted back to my keyboard. I smiled as her hum returned within my mind, and decided she must sing for the film I wrote for. My film, our film. My hands instinctively reached for the keys, and I wrote. The words flowed effortlessly, seamlessly, and that night I finished the final scenes.

The following day after I submitted the story to the producers, I made an inquiry that we hire the artist from the film, that we hire Rebecca. Though, after research, I discovered her name was Jane. I requested that we perform an audition immediately, and explained it must happen, for her voice was what would complete the film. It was her voice that was Rebecca’s. It had to be.

Shortly after I inquired, a time and place was decided for the audition. A day when I was able to finally see my Rebecca again, a day we would reunite, and probably without her knowing. I paced anxiously in the studio where the audition was held, as I waited for her arrival. I heard voices outside the door that led to where I was. I heard her. My heart raced, it beat against my insides, and I began to tremble. The door opened slowly, and I took a few steps towards it, stopping just feet away. She appeared, with a smile, with a perfect smile, and she gazed at me. My heart dropped, and I slowly stepped backwards, as my breath was taken away. She smiled brighter, but stood immediately after entering, as if she was confused or stunned. I gazed back, and after a moment of silence, her agent interrupted.

“Uh, Jo, this is Jane,” he said awkwardly.

Hesitantly, she broke our gaze and glanced at the agent, then back to me, and shyly announced, “Jo, hi.” She stepped towards me, reached out her hand, and continued, “it’s such a pleasure to meet you.”

My eyes dropped towards her hand, fully aware that in that moment I was able to touch her. As I reached for her hand, I used both, to grasp hers, and I held her for a moment, feeling her skin and warmth, “such a pleasure to finally meet you, Jane.” I paused and met her eyes, “please, sit.”

“I’ll let you two chat,” the agent said with a smile, as he knew why I chose her. He walked out of the studio.

I gestured towards a chair that was across from mine, and we sat at the same time, with eyes locked onto one another. She crossed her legs, and I leaned forwards onto my thighs, with my hands clasped, nervous. For a moment, we held our gaze in silence. I had so much to say, yet, was uncertain where to start, even though I had run the entire conversation in my head. That fell out the window. It was just me and her, my dearest love, who sat directly in front of me, in the flesh. Was she aware? What went through her mind? I wondered. She broke the silence.

“I love your work,” Jane said softly, elegantly in a way.

“I love yours, and I’m happy to hear that,” I admired her.

“When I… received the screenplay, I immediately fell in love with it. I couldn’t stop reading. I felt drawn to every word. It was strange, because I never once felt that way about a film. Like, I wanted to know more, and had to be a part of it. So… I really appreciate and am thankful that you reached out,” she explained, sincerely, and I felt it.

“I’m so glad. Do you know why I reached out?” Curious to know what she would say.

She looked at me still, smiled slightly, and shyly she dropped her head, as Rebecca had done often. When she returned her eyes, she spoke, “other than that you love my voice, I… I was curious to know more about your story. Stories, but particularly this one because I can’t seem to stop thinking about it,” she was curious as well.

The corner of my mouth rose instinctively from happiness, as her presence simply ignited my soul. I scooted to the edge of the chair, and began, “the story, as you know, is based on my childhood. Twenty years ago Rebecca vanished. You, from what I know, are twenty, and your voice… is remarkably and precisely the same as hers,” I paused when her smile grew and eyes widened, “and when I heard your voice the very first time, as I was writing the play, it completely stunned me, and I was mesmerized. For not the fact that you sound exactly like her, but you sang our tune. You sang what she used to hum to me.” Jane’s eyes narrowed, focused on my words, and her jaw loosened. “I led her to the light when I was fifteen years old,” I paused again, as my eyes began to moisten. I sniffed, and continued, “and like I said, twenty years have passed, and I, whole heartedly, and know that your spirit… is Rebecca’s.”

Jane slowly stood and stepped towards me, where she then situated herself on the floor in front of me. She simply gazed at me, and without saying a word, she reached towards my face. I remained still. With her fingertip, she captured the tear that fell to the tip of my nose. When she touched me, her eyes shut, and caught her breath. I admired her. I love her. Would she remember me?

“Jogie…” her eyes opened to find mine, and I noticed she swallowed.

Nobody knew that name. I nodded once.

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