I didn't know I had to come out

I didn't know I had to come out, but I guess if I'm doing it for me then it's my own ceremony - and - must feel good to actually speak about it... let's try.

I've unconsciously struggled to meet my mother's greatest wish for me to be her pretty little girl and beautiful young woman, then I was conscious about it and now I can't keep it up. I just can't be in inner conflict anymore and deny the tom, the queer, the cage free spirit in me. And indeed the beauty of me being so unapologetically me. I just realise how tired I am for having tried to become a woman my entire life, with a woman's body, the way my culture and family is familiar to. And tired of - or maybe sad about - not sharing my true self, or avoiding speaking truths when being asked by a family member at the family gathering, that jarring ol' question that is so intrusive already, and perhaps even more so when you're not in the normative format, the one that goes: "when are you getting married?". And living Bali has not been any better on that particular front, getting the "where's your husband?" - wow! How to respond but to just lie and serve the stranger a backhanded yet sweet answer like : "well he's not here right now" or "he's over there" and sometimes the "they're at work" one. Yes I lied a lot, white lies -whatever, the point is it was painful to have to lie every - single - time. For multiple reasons. I mean, when I met my partner at the time, in Melbourne, the first time we kissed I asked if they had an umbrella for christ's sake (yes to hide! It's not like there has EVER been public kissing in Indonesia! or an lgbt friendly vibe. Anyhow, back to the intrusive and yet common questioning, rather than explain or bring attention to me even more (I'm already tattooed with shaved sides and piercings) I still chose to escape the transparency by making up a swift dismissal story - but the dodging is to keep my already insane self from becoming a public free-for-all spectacle when I'm just trying to have a quiet time, or looking for a home to rent, reside and hide in. Contrary to what mom believed her entire life (bless you Mom), my tattoos are not to get attention. That's for another story.

Looking back I could say I tried to show (her) (and OK, I still wonder: was I really?)... I tried to show her with car toys, short hair and lycra leggings (refusing the lace-ended ones!) when all the other girls at school played Barbie, brushed their hair like it was ballet class today, and wore dresses and skirts. I guess I was trying to say I'm queer. I tried to use the word shapeshifter in my own mind (next time someone should ask) and wear low crotch pants with shaved sides at 31, I guess I was trying to say I'm queer. I tried to say to people that I'm not a fan of labels and that I don't relate to lesbian or gay, that I don't go by one thing... but I guess... I was trying to say I'm queer? I just kept saying I don't look at the sex of the person I'm thinking of asking them out, as long as they're human (what about alien?) hey, I guess I was trying to understand : what is queer...(what is me? in fact). I've also presented myself in circles as having multiple personality order, I guess I was (also) trying to mention "I got this queer in me"?

I can be heady but I'm surprised -and not at the same time, for not really looking at the definition of queer, or avoiding the term 'gay' and wanting to be free of labels or definitions.

But today, and with this testament I do want to say it, I guess to the greater public. I am all about freedom, freedom of everything, more about this on a next story, and in this one I find a way for cultivating more transparency (more freedom?) with my dear family (if you're reading this and I haven't come out to you personally), "sorry for having avoided so many of you almost my entire adult life" yet it is not my obligation or my responsibility to tell you my story. And for my closest... "if my behaviour is strange", if it has not conformed with to the customs whether cultural or fitting with the culture, then it is because I use to say "hey I'm just an artist", beyond labels (or was I afraid of them?). Today I just feel closest to queer, non gender specific, quasi non binary, I am queer. Sure one could define me as lesbian (but have always been bi), or trans (but not cut just trans inside...), but who needs to be defined but me doing it to myself? Or others talking about me I guess. To me and them I say I can only be as I am -day by day, as I too am discovering myself, day by day, so I'm sorry but not sorry really, for shape-shifting, for not being stable enough for you to feel safe. I can't be made solely responsible if not at all. Identity one day, none the next, sometimes so many in just one day. Sounds crazy, but it's actually rather entertaining.

If that is confusing or unsteady for you (and my loved ones) I cannot help you any more, and I tried, and I wondered, and I avoided. Though it was not really originally my game to please you or anyone in the first place - it doesn't mean I don't care how you feel. Just less what you think.

This 'infinity' is who I am. And right now I am deliberately choosing identities that serve my well being. I can only invite you to keep doing the same for you.

And let me do me. Let me be me. You do you.

I'm not aiming this particularly at anyone but my self I guess, making a statement for myself. And so for whomever reads it (and knows me already) then perhaps it is a little for you too. I consider this platform like my social media, a public 'diary' but a diary first, this way I feel like I've made a declaration for myself first and as it is made public, no matter how many or none see it - I have spoken. I am living my life, and I LOVE IT. I love me. And I love that so many have raised me and still bear witness to these strange expressions of a soul in constant ebb.

Here flows my immense Thank You. I hope you can feel how much love there is witnessing yours.

I DO want my 'coming out' to be seen, but I will try not to care too much how many see it. It feels good like I'm liberated right now, and to have done it in written like this, makes it solid, anchored, inked. I had to come out for me. Cus I'd never needed to, but I wasn't really ever clear. This is for my blood family in Indonesia, and in France.

Mum I love you.

It doesn't really matter what I'm coming out with, but my gosh it feels good to be more trans'parent ("trans/parent" get it? Not so funny jokes -ok, I had to, that's another side of me).

#lovelarge #aboutlove #witnesstolove #authenticity #forgive #loveislove

Being a person of brown, yellow or whatever my colour is suppose to be, and a white French dad and a brown Manadonese mother, I was raised by two cultures, two socio economic classes and other forming conditions a living, breathing, thinking being can be influenced by. Thusly, making this statement is helping me blow up the boundaries I had built inside and around myself, whether through absorption in childhood (unconscious imprint), or through (therefore biased) choice and a hint of spirit & universe mystery. In a way it just feels close to impossible to make a conscious choice unless I know what subconscious beliefs (programs) are running me. So this is rather CATHARTIC. This queer spirit in me is a MASSIVE energy.

Even choosing my 11 year old chosen name (Tikal) which was never made into an official name change although it would have helped, it was chosen from a core belief that I am not just Emilie (my birth name) or sad to say, a core belief that "I'm not enough being just Emilie", or maybe simply and shamefully "I'm not enough". Even though my family raised me with so much love and I was not lacking of that at all, my given birth name just felt not suiting. Who or what I am (well... "was" at the time) was limiting me to the little girl that my caregivers saw in me. I had made it the symbol of an incomplete 'me'. But today, I can now honour and accept my old name as parts of me too. Thanks again, mum, and thanks again, Papa (R.I.P.) - I honour your name-giving and your inspired choice. Keep resting in peace or reincarnation in full power ♡

PS. I support all of you out there choosing to be authentic, or not knowing how to. I celebrate humanity.

Even in these times of WTFness, with my teachings and concept of mystery schools, or just my idea of unconditional love teaches me that all this: well it's part of us discovering who and what we are -as individuals and as a collective. Sometimes tragically through massacre. Maybe it's time to love bigger where we can. And come out.

This transparency is potent medicine yo! Even though some coming out may be rejected and disowned, owning one self even if we were programmed or brainwashed is where I feel I found my key.

The lockdown was responsible for this coming together. I had not lived with my mother for decades and had only lived by myself mostly or with my partner, even married out in Melbourne, Australia. But the unprecedented locking down of the people in their homes and sometimes unsanitary quarters (bless their souls!), I was in a beautiful organic farm staycation retreat and living so close to mom has created the space for my mother and I to live under one roof, on top of each other, rubbing beliefs against beliefs - to feel closer than we had ever been.

I'm so glad I can now tell mom so much more and BE all of me!!! YES it is for the sake of being more relatable.

#fiercelove #raisethecollectivevibe #speakup #standwithothersbystandingforyourheart