I can’t find a heartbeat!

You never think of researching something until it has happened to you or a loved one. This has been the case when I was diagnosed with narcolepsy, when I came out as transgender, and now. How many of you honestly knew October 15 is Pregnancy and Infant Loss Remembrance Day?

How many of you who identify as African-American knew this day was dedicated to raise awareness and uplift families who have lost their babies?

Throughout this blog, I will not use the word woman because women aren’t the only ones who give birth.

I asked specifically about Black folk because pregnancy and infant loss affect us at a much higher rate than other ethnic groups. Black people disproportionately experience miscarriages, stillbirths, preterm births, and infant deaths. In 1988, President Ronald Reagan made October Pregnancy & Infant Loss Awareness Month, and in the words of Biggie Smalls, “If you don't know, now you know.”

To President Reagan’s point, we need to recognize that parents are facing a unique grief. A grief that should be acknowledged a lot more in our community. These parents are in need of support and visibility like any other community that has suffered a tragic loss.

There are more than 20,000 stillbirths per year in the United States, according to the Star Legacy Foundation. For Black people, one of every 87 pregnancies for this group ends in stillbirth, which is a rate double that of white women.

Now, put yourself in their shoes. I watched the video below twice because I wasn’t able to be there when my family had to ride home without a baby.

While we can point out the socioeconomic factors that affect Black families who decide to have children, there is research that shows affluent Black families are experiencing pregnancy loss too. There are so many other things that can be factored into a pregnancy that leads to infant loss.

The real heartbreak is doing my own research and noticing that other countries like the United Kingdom have taken pregnancy and infant loss seriously. They have dedicated people in their government working on this specific mortality rate. For example, Scotland set up a goal to decrease stillbirth rates by 15 percent and they ended up decreasing the rate by 23 percent.

Systemic racism has always affected the lives of Black Americans and it continues to rear its ugly head today. Racism in the healthcare system is in fact killing people. It’s killing some before they even get a chance to say “Hello” to their parents for the first time.

Prenatal care is administered differently to white people versus Black people, according to an article from Very Well Family. It is more likely for white people to receive medical care and social service assistance over Black people. Black families are also less likely to have access to prenatal education, which is critical for parents to know because it can affect how they eat and behave during pregnancy. Research has pointed out that racism may be a contributing factor to disparities in infant and maternal deaths.

Now, I'd like to share a recent story that affected the lives of one mother and her family.

The mother-to-be lost her baby this year and wasn't given any real explanation. The grandparent of the infant called the expecting mother's sibling to let them know what was going on.

“Your sister’s doctor couldn’t find a heartbeat in the follow up appointment,” the grandparent says over the phone.

“What? Are they going to send her to the hospital, what does this even mean?” asks the concerned sibling.

The grandparent replied, “No. They said they would check for the heartbeat in the next visit. They were just sent home and told not to worry.”

Two weeks later, at the next visit, the mother sat nervously and waited for the doctor to check on her baby. She hoped and prayed the previous appointment was a mistake and that her baby would continue to grow inside her belly.

Instead, the doctor said, “I can’t find a heartbeat.”

The doctor then stated that these things “just happen,” before providing the devastated mother with instructions to take a pill that would stimulate expulsion of the embryo from the uterus.

And if that didn’t work, the doctor said surgery would be needed.

Oftentimes these parents are just told to move on. They are not provided many answers at all, if any.

They are told to just have another child because many people believe that having another baby will take the place of the one they lost.

Please don't ever say this to a grieving family who lost their child because you don't know how hard it may have been for them to get pregnant.

On behalf of parents and loved ones who have been impacted by such tragedies, we hope you’ll join us in raising awareness for this issue. Let’s push for more preventative measures for these families.