How To Tell Your Parents You Love Them Without Saying "I Love You"

It's hard to say 'I Love You' to my parents

But my mom and I have figured out a way to make it work.

Have you ever done the 5 Languages of Love assessment?

You take a test and you find out which way you like to receive love:

Words of Affirmation

Acts of Service

Receiving Gifts

Quality Time

Physical Touch

Mine is a tie between Words of Affirmation and Quality Time.

I've never asked my mom to do the test but I'm assuming they are Quality Time and Acts of Service.

We share one of our primary love languages so it's easy to show our love to each other that way; however, for the ones that we don't share, it takes effort because they don't come naturally to us.

I'm not a service person. I don't show my love by doing things for other people and I don't naturally feel loved when others do things for me.

I can come off as unappreciative and entitled…just ask my husband who waters my plants every morning.

However, over the years of self-reflection, I've learned to be more service-oriented.

Really, it's about growth and maturity, dropping the ego to do things you don't necessarily want to do but know you should for the people you love…big breath from a big rant.

Whether it be helping my mom navigate her smartphone, translating mail for her, or asking her if she's eaten yet (even when it's 9 o'clock at night), I do these things because I value my relationship with her.

My mom is not naturally good at talking about how she feels.

I don't think I've ever heard her say, "I love you" to my dad or tell him how much she cares about him.

Maybe she does this in their private time? Gross…moving on.

Anyway, she's gotten a lot better over the years. It's because she has the self-awareness to change given the value she places on her relationship with her daughters. And that is another reason why I love my mom.

Before the 5 Languages of Love even came into existence, I knew words were a thing for me.

I'm in Grade 6. I'm at my Caucasian friend's house. Her mom's leaving for the store when I observe this:

They each say, "I love you", hug and kiss while waving goodbye. They do it so effortlessly, so naturally and so habitually. I needed to understand why and so I ask my friend.

She tells me that this is something her family has been doing ever since she could remember. She said that they say, "I love you" to each other before they leave because they never know if those will be the last words they say to each other.

I mean, talk about YOLO!

Being the youngest of 3, I fought with my sisters for our parents' love and attention. Drawing on my friend's story, I wanted to do something similar but in my own Chinese way.

So I started nonchalantly (almost in a joking way) asking my mom,

"Do you love me the most?" (你最錫我嗎?)

She would always respond,

"Hai La Hai La" (Yes, Yes, in Cantonese).

Those simple words would make me feel special. It was the start of us learning about our languages of love. Although I don't ask my mom that anymore, she knows words matter to me.

Just recently, she witnessed my husband jump to his feet when our daughter needed a diaper change.

In addition to complimenting my husband and recognizing his attributes, she turns to me and says,

"You're very good at picking the right man."

And that meant the world to me.

As for my daughter, what do I do?

My husband and I have adopted that same practice as my childhood friend. We say, "I love you" before saying goodbye.

However, we also practice a version of "Have you eaten yet?"

We'll ask each other,

"How hungry are you on a scale of 1–10?"

And that's our cue to make food for each other.

I'm hoping that telling my daughter this story about my mom will allow her to appreciate both Western and Chinese ways of showing love.

So Readers, how do you show love to others? Do you know what your parents prefer? Do you share the same language?