How to Overcome the Dilemma That Any Adoptive Parent Has to Face

If you are an adoptive parent, you know that at some point you have to face an important dilemma: when do you tell a child that he is adopted? You know the time will come when you have to tell him the truth, you can't lie to him your whole life. But its possible reactions scare you and it is normal to be so!

There is no right answer to the question when you tell a child that he is adopted, there is only the certainty that you have to tell him. The child has the right to know where he comes from, to make his own choice whether he wants to know his natural parents or not.

The thought of these things can hurt you, the simple idea that your child (because he is yours!) Would feel the need to know his natural parents and that he might feel for them the love he owes you hurts you. But you must tell him, just as he has a right to know!

Even if the child may react negatively when he finds out the truth, you should know that his feelings for you will remain the same in the long run: after all, you are the one who offered him material security and especially emotional security. You will always be the one who protected him and gave him love.

But you have to realize that, unfortunately, you are not the one who gave birth to him and gave him his genetic inheritance!

So when do you tell a child he's adopted? There are two acceptable options: either you tell her from an early age, around 5–7 years or you wait until adolescence. Each variant has its advantages and disadvantages.

Thus, if you tell a child that he is adopted from a young age, you have the advantage of omitting some painful details and you can present the truth in a beautiful form, which will help both him and you! You can tell him a fairy tale: "You see, your real mother was very small, scared, and lonely, and she prayed to the angels to send someone good to take good care of her baby.

And that was me, the one who promised your mom that I would always love you, just as she loves you. And so, the angels turned me into your mother! " Through a romantic story, the child will know the truth, although he will not realize its true meaning until much later.

But you did your duty to tell him! And when he grows up and is ready, he will come to you alone to find out the details of the story! And you will not have to face his reproaches, as in the situation where you hide the truth from him for a long time.

The second option when you tell a child that he is adopted is to wait until he is a teenager and he will be able to understand the situation in all its aspects. Now, you don't have to beautify anything, you just have to tell her that! But waiting so long can lead to a real emotional crisis for your child! Adolescence is a frustrating time for everyone, however, a period in which physiological and psychological changes combine to create confusion that the adolescent is constantly struggling with.

As a teenager, philosophical questions arise, such as, "Who am I?", "What purpose do I have in life?", "Why are we born?" he destroyed in one motion the only stable element in his life: parental love! Therefore, if you choose this moment to tell him the truth, be very careful how you do it: you have to explain to him that you have not told him so far for fear that he will love you less, that you feel for him exactly what you would feel. for a natural child, that this matter only matters to the extent that it makes him matter.

You have to explain to her the little importance that the natural parent has: because, after all, the child will look more like you than his natural mother. This is because personality is not genetic data but is formed within the family socialization, and its model is you, not a person who gave birth to it!

If you choose this answer to the question when you tell a child that he is adopted and you are waiting until an older age, another problem may arise: if the little one has no physical resemblance to you or your partner, he may that he asked you over time: "why are you and my father brown and I blond?", "Why are you so short and me so tall and fat?", etc., etc.

And if you chose to answer him with a lie like, "You look like your great-grandmother," that then innocent lie will backfire on you. The now teenage child will blame you for lying to him and will reproach you for deserving to knowing the truth beforehand.

And maybe he's right, maybe, no matter how much you're afraid that his love for you will diminish, you have to take the risk and tell him early. Keep in mind that emotional reactions, especially negative ones, are much more intense in adolescence than in childhood!

Another unpleasant aspect of the question is when you tell a child that he is adopted: if and how you tell him the truth about his mother! Logically, the first question, whether she is a child or a teenager, will be, "Who is my mother, and where is she?" You decide whether to tell him this or not. But remember that he has every right to know these things.

A correct option would be to tell him that he was adopted as a child but to wait for him to tell him the truth about his parents until he grows up. The most difficult thing about this is that you are afraid that the child will want to meet his natural mother and that he will feel a stronger love for her than for you! It is a natural fear, but you have to get rid of it and think only of the child's well-being!

If his natural mother has died, your situation, although it sounds macabre, is eased! But if his mother was too young and did not have the financial opportunity to raise and educate a child, then you must present this truth to him, and if the child wants to know her, you must do this for him!

A more problematic situation arises if the natural mother is imprisoned for various reasons: then, your choice is twice as difficult! Think of the child's well-being and act as you would have your parents do if you were in this situation!

As mentioned, there is no one-size-fits-all answer to the question when you tell a child that he or she is adopted. There is only your duty to tell him at some point and his right to find out!