How Did I Let It Get This Bad?

I was always quick to brag, I have three children from the same man who I've been with for ten wonderful years...such bullshit. Well, at least the wonderful part.

For the past six years, I've been making excuses. Excuses for my piss poor husband, excuses for my addiction to pills and heroin. Most of all, I've made so many excuses to myself. I allowed myself to become just Tim's wife or Mason's mom. I gave that man every excuse in the book. He doesn't wanna work cause he would rather be home with me, he doesn't help around the house or with the kids cause he's dope sick. He only mentally beats me because he's hurting, he hits me but I know he loves me.

Just writing that paragraph made me ill. When did I become this weak, dependant, battered woman? How did I let it get this bad? Didn't I realize how it was affecting my children? A part of me hates myself for being that weak.

So the restraining order came first. Black Friday, my dad took me and my three children to the courthouse. Pictures of some of the darker bruises, there were so many. All different shades, some weeks old, some are as fresh as two hours. I'm sick. The worst possible sick, dope sick.

I'm not claiming all innocence. He didn't force the needle in my vein. I had wanted to quit for months but most times it was just easier to give in and get high. It sure was better than getting into an argument and then a physical altercation. I told myself, I was picking my battles, another excuse.

So fast forward three weeks. He still hasn't been served the restraining order. He's hiding, at the dope dude's house of course. I'm clean maybe a week (turns out it's easier to stay clean without HIM here) he goes into a "7-day detox." Basically a vacation where they give you meds for all your withdrawals and you get to cry and talk it out. Must be nice. Turns out, the warrant is issued, probation violation.

No more excuses. Now I'm livid, I've never felt this much anger towards anyone, let alone the man I just gave ten years to, made plans to grow old with. My best friend. No more excuses. I've made a huge decision, I'm going tomorrow to file divorce. I tried being fake, calls from prison suck, so I tried to be nice. Then I realized, why? This man chose drugs over his family. He was never my best friend, just isolated me from everyone and made me believe me was the only one who cared. So I told him I'm filing for divorce. First words outta that POS was, "You're so selfish." As he's giving me the rundown on what a horrible person I am, something magical happened. My shoulders seemed lighter, my breathing came easier, and for the first time in too long, I felt free.

It didn't matter what he said or will continue to say. I'm doing what's best for my children and myself. I can't take all the credit. In a completely unexpected turn of events, I met someone. Ladies, the man fixed my toilet and my washer in less than a week. He sings to me. He makes me smile all the time and he builds me up. I'm in complete awe of how a real man treats his woman!

Anyway, I'm learning to love myself. Working hard on controlling my anger and I'm proud to say I'm clean and sober for five weeks. I let it go way too far, my children are working through a lot because of it, but I can go to sleep at night knowing I'll sure as shit never be that low again!