Grieving 101: When the tears won't stop

In a few days it will be 3 months since my husband passed away and today was a rough day. I have cried practically the entire day for various reasons.My 90 year old neighbor across the street passed away yesterday and my last memory of her is what triggered my tears. Two weeks ago an ambulance took her to the hospital on a rainy Sunday and I knew she would not return home. Instead of placing her on a stretcher as they had at other times, the paramedics brought her out of her home in a blanket.

It was a rainy Sunday and her bare feet were hanging out of the blanket. My husband was brought home from the hospital in one of those blankets and after he passed the funeral home carried him away in one. This is why I thought my neighbor might already be dead. I ran across the street and saw her lift up her head but in my gut I had a feeling she was not coming back. The idea that these two once healthy people who walked on their own were reduced to being carried in a blanket really got to me.

My youngest son saw me crying and tried to help me out. He said I did all I could for his dad but I don't feel like it. So many "if only's" come to mind and I am told this is normal. When my mother died I watched her being zipped in a body bagand put on a gurney and wheeled out of the house and I did not feel a thing. I thought I was strong and could handle anything. The memory of my husband's last time coming into and going out of our home is haunting me now because my neighbor's death triggered it.

I am crying as I write this and can hardly see. I know the tears will stop at some point but not right now. I have to deal I with this alone because the phone calls have stopped. No one came to visit because of COVID and those who were checking on me via email and my Facebook inbox are now silent. I am angry at my spouse because he chose to leave me but cutting back on then cutting out his medication. He stopped eating healthy and said he was fine every time I asked.

I could see his slow decline in photo's during the past two years and prayed hard that it would turn around. Diabetes is insidious and causes so much damage to the body. I am thankful that my prayers were answered related to certain aspects of his health because I don't know if I could have handled it, A friend told me that her brother died in his 30s from diabetes and that he had both legs as well as some fingers amputated. I massaged my husband's feet and legs and encouraged him to walk. I hope that helped him to not have bad circulation.

At times his toes were cold and I would rub them with warm oil. At night I would hug him and whisper "Don't leave me" and took comfort in hearing the beat of his heart. Since last December at least 40 black males that I knew or knew their families have died leaving widows behind. These men have been in their 50s to early 70s. A few of them died from COVID, one caught it from his wife who got it on her job. He died while she survived and I cannot even imagine how this woman is feeling. I am so thankful that my spouse did not get COVID and neither did I.

My tears today are more than likely a delayed reaction from all the times I suppressed them during the past 3 months. It feels like only yesterday that he left me and I miss him so much. The idea that others feel this way bothers me because I never understood until now. I'm tired of all the advice I've been given and the things I have read online that are supposed to help because they don't. My daughter and the grandchildren took me out to eat but the entire time I was sad that my husband was not there.

My oldest son paid for me to get a manicure and pedicure but while it was being done I wished my husband could have enjoyed it with me. I went to church and thought about how he would have been dressed up and sitting beside me. I can barely look at the rows of his Stacy Adams shoes in the closet and do not have the will to get rid of them. As I write this and the tears are falling, I know that at any given moment I will feel much better and the grief will lift. I have no control, however, on when it will reappear.

I can detect in the attitudes of those I talk to that they do not want me to mention him and that hurts. I do want to talk about my spouse so I write it out instead. If someone reading understands this level of pain I am so sorry you dealt with or are dealing with it now. You are not alone but I realize my saying it does not make your grieving less painful. I am taking this moment by moment and perhaps the good memories will outweigh my anguish.

I've been told that this will take a long time because we were together for 45 years. Perhaps if we had not struggled financially so much and had more good times I might not be crying so much, Then again that may have caused more tears but I'll never know for certain. I write in the hopes that someone else will benefit but several of my articles on my grief have not even received one read and that is distressing. So I guess the bottom line is I am writing for myself if for no one else. I know that so many others have and are feeling this way but now that it is me it is as if I am the only one. In 10 minutes I might be OK. but right now the tears are falling like rain.

This article was updated at 8 months out. It's not quite as bad on a daily basis but the moments of pain are still unbearable.