Five things you should not say to a grieving widow

My husbands death has affected me like no other death in my family. As I attempt to move on without him I have been surprised at the comments that family and friends have made. There are things that have been said to me by well meaning individuals that I would not say to another grieving woman. I am sharing them in the hope that someone else won’t go through the same.

1.No more pain and suffering

A woman who is missing her husband is dealing with the fact that her companion is gone. In those first weeks although you know he is not coming back you miss his presence and part of you wishes he was still there to hold your hand, snuggle with you in bed or whatever intimacy you shared. A wife knows he is no longer suffering and in pain but she is.

2. He’s in a better place

A grieving widow is hurting because the man she loved is no longer by her side. Telling her he is in a better place does not help. Her hurting heart does not want to hear that. She already knows he’s in the after life and will not be her husband in heaven and does not need a reminder.

3. Put something else on your mind

Recently I was asked about a local election and I said I really did not know about the candidates. I was told I needed to get something else on my mind, which I thought was pretty insensitive Perhaps the comment was not meant to sound that way but that’s how I perceived it, Grief and pain are personal and cannot be turned on and off like a water spigot. No one just sits grieving on purpose.

I have lost my spouse's presence as well as his income and need to make sure I can pay my monthly bills which is a serious matter. Grieving widows have a lot on their minds depending on the circumstances they were left in after their husband died. On the flip side, just because they are not focusing on the same thing you are in a given moment or seem distracted does not indicate that they are dwelling on their spouse at that moment. Even if they are this is normal so how dare anyone have an attitude of "Just get over it."I’m sure some other widows are dealing with the same so if they seem distracted they have a good reason.

4. You’re still young and can remarry

A heart that is broken and a woman who loved her spouse does not want to entertain thoughts of a future without her husband. It’s not being in denial, but still having love in your heart. It's wrong other people act as if a wife can just move on at will. This is not your race and not your horse. Unsolicited advice is the worse thing you can offer a grieving widow.

5. You had him for x number of years

I have grown tired of other women telling me I had my husband for 45 years and adding that they did not have that. My spouse just died and it’s my time to grieve not your time to be petty. Please don’t tell a widow she should be thankful for the time she had. This comes across as if you may be envious at a time you should be expressing condolences.

Truth time

The bottom line to all of this is that those who are not grieving cannot feel what the widow does. I understand that others don’t want constant reminders of death but keep in mind that a wife whose husband died is not on your timetable. For me personally, it’s sounding like people believe I should just be over my husband and move right along. I’m going to talk about him, post his pictures on social media and write about him as I did when he was alive.

My heart and the heart of other grieving widows will know when it’s time to move on, if ever. I have talked to women who did not remarry and still miss their husbands 10 and 20 years after their death, Betty White remained a widow for 40 years until her death and I will do the same. It does not mean we are stuck in the past or have not let go. It simply reveals the depth of the love and connection. Please allow all grieving people to process death at their own pace.

It’s not for you to tell them what to do. I’m sure there are women who would love to talk and share stories about their spouse but family and friends won’t allow it. This may be a part of their healing process so please don’t hinder them. Instead, be a true friend and lend a listening ear. If a widow talking about her spouse beyond the time you think she should bothers you then you have a problem. It's probably best to make yourself scarce rather than give your unwarranted opinion and believe me she will get the message, loud and clear.