Grief 101: Standing alone

I am so thankful that Vocal has a category for grief because it enables me to write what I am feeling in order to assist others. As I have said in previous articles, I have dealt with grief, funerals, and cemeteries since age 5. I recall standing in the church cemetery when Great Great uncle Jim was buried. I remember when my cousins had their great grandpa's body in the house the night before the funeral and they cried so loud I could hear them at my home which was about a half block away through a field. As a teen, I sang with the church choir during funerals and went through the traditional motions when people died.

In my neck of the woods, you went to the house and visited with the bereaved and brought food along or a card with money. Jobs gave grieving families 3 days off from work so in 3 days after a funeral everyone seemed to get back to normal. Hundreds of adults that attended my childhood church are now gone and over 300 from the church my husband attended. I buried my mother, brother, grandmother, father, great-grandma who raised me, and numerous cousins. I cried and I missed them but was able to move on pretty easily.

My husband's death, however, has given me insight that I did not have before. I now understand better how people take their own lives and those around them seem shocked. Please do not misunderstand, I am not suicidal but using this as a point of reference. I wrote a Facebook post sharing how my husband Michael share every birthday with me for 45 years and counting today I only had 17 without him. Not one person addressed my post but at this point, more than 60 have wished him a happy birthday on that post.

On my timeline, hundreds of people have said they hope I have a wonderful, blessed, birthday and I want to scream. Many of these individuals do not even acknowledge me on social media except on my birthday which shows what creatures of habit they are. Others know my spouse has only been dead for 3 months and yet they expect me to be celebrating as if my life with him never counted. I have been crying today because I miss my husband. Yesterday I cried in church because he would be seated beside me dressed in his finest and his Stacy Adams shoes.

I have days where I make it all day without a memory that makes me sad and I will think that the grief is over, but I am wrong. Believe me when I say I am grateful for the birthday wishes and phone calls. No one owes me anything and I don't expect anyone else to still be thinking about my husband. What I am pointing out is that life goes on for others and they are not having these moments that stop me in my tracks. I write this for other grieving individuals and ask that you don't take it personally if the world around you continues.

Grief is personal and there are times that we will grieve alone. Since my husband passed there have been 5 or 6 women I know who are now widows. One attends the church I visited yesterday. She was busy with her duties and seemed to be moving on just fine. I don't know what happens in her private time and it is not my business but unlike me, she is not sharing anything about her spouse on Facebook. She did put up a few pictures and one caption said "Till we meet again."

I am sharing this information for those who may feel like they cannot let go of a deceased loved one. You have the right to let go when you are ready. Every time I try to change my Facebook to no status or widow, I simply cannot because I know it will make things final. Truthfully things were final the moment my husband closed his eyes in death and I know that. what I am dealing with is my head and my heart not being in agreement. These are my personal issues and I get it that even my children are not going to want to hear me talking about their dad every day.

I accept that some people who were extremely kind will turn the other way when they see me coming because they don't want to hear about my grief.I actually had that happen recently and yes it bothered me for a moment. I do realize that everyone has a right to respond the way they want to . I have also been told that some people l think death is contagious and I am a reminder to them now that husbands do die and leave wives behind. If you are grieving the death of any family member today, please don't take personally the things that others say and do.

Death is an uncomfortable subject and people have been trained to respond immediately and then to go on. I have to prepare myself now because Father's Day is coming and my husband's birthday was the fourth of July. Christmas was his favorite time of year and now I no longer have him to cook holiday meals for. It's possible that 10 minutes from now I will feel happy and carefree and not have any of this on my mind. This is why I write in the moment because I know someone else is dealing with the same.

Through almost all of the other deaths I mentioned, including 2 brothers in law and my mother in law, my husband was the one constant standing beside me. Now I must deal with so much alone and it's scary. I used to tell men who expressed an interest that I was married and that was enough. Now I don't have that shield of a spouse and I feel naked and exposed. Someone reading is nodding their head that they understand and are dealing with the same emotions.

Hang in there and do all you can to adjust to the fact that there is so much that you will deal with alone. It's simply the way the world works. When you understand this you will not be expecting anyone to stick by you down the road as they may have immediately after your loved one passed away. I initially expected a few people to acknowledge my missing my spouse in my post on this birthday, but not one person did and they did not owe it to me to do so. Remember that nobody owes you anything but be thankful for whatever is offered to you.