Grief 101: If you don’t know you better ask somebody

At this writing, my husband has been dead for 3 months. I have had days where I function normally and days where I cried and could get nothing done. I’ve received unsolicited advice from many who have not buried a spouse. I’ve spoken with widows who have given me their perspective and I appreciate everyone who believed they were assisting me. I’ve found however that when it comes to specifics that I must ask, seek, and knock for myself.

Several people have suggested grief counseling but I hesitated, however, because I am retired and my only insurance is Medicare. I called a few places that did not accept Medicare so I thought all was lost. A few days ago I began wondering why Funeral Homes dealing with grief as a business did not recommend grief counselors. I made the arrangements for my mother and grandmother and was with my mom at the funeral home after my brother passed but no one ever offered counseling as an option.

I called the establishment that handled my husband's arrangements and asked if they ever recommended grief counselors and to my surprise, they said yes. I checked with the other 3 local funeral homes and only one of them said they could put you in touch with a grief counselor. I took note that the two establishments that offered the service were the two that basically served the African American community. It could be that they are working with the same mental health professional.

One of the other two businesses said that they leave the counseling to hospitals and the second one offered no explanation but only said they did not offer therapy. In the past, I never thought about counseling and moved forward after each death of a loved one without lingering grief. Even after the shock of my brother drowning, no one in my family ever brought of the idea of therapy. This time because it was my husband and because of his manner of death I felt I would benefit from some help. I have regrets and what if's that I did not before and I know I will benefit from wise counsel.

Any type of counseling requires a report between the doctor and patient so if at first, you don't succeed, please try, try, again. The funeral home that handled my husband's arrangements gave me the name of a therapist they worked with who I already was aware of. I had actually been trying to reach this woman unsuccessfully on my own. She is licensed through the state and has years of experience. She has also been a widow for 29 years so she has the education, work experience, and personal testimony.

I spoke with her this morning and believe that she will be able to help me and she does take Medicare which I did not know pays for counseling. If you believe you need professional help dealing with the death of a loved one please don't suffer in silence. Search the internet, make phone calls, seek advice from trusted friends, and check with the funeral home you used or even others in your area. Ask, seek, and knock, because your mental health and ability to move forward will depend on it.

Do not ever feel ashamed of seeking the appropriate tools that will get you through the death of a loved one. Also please keep in mind that well meaning people may offer you advice that is not appropriate in your situation, I have talked with those who say they will never get over the death of a child, while others are not easily able to move on from the death of a spouse. It is important to find what works for you individually and it starts with obtaining answers to the questions you have.