Gabriel’s story

At the age of 16 I was diagnosed with polycystic ovarian syndrome also known as PCOS. I quickly learned that it would more than likely be difficult for me to have children due to this syndrome which made super anxious about the future. During my early to mid 20’s I tried to have a baby without success over and over again. Eventually, for my own mental health I decided that if I became pregnant I would of course be grateful, but if I didn’t, I would try not to dwell on it in order to continue living my life to the fullest. Baby fever is very real though. It was so difficult at times to not feel overwhelming sad that I was not pregnant or had a child of my own already through the last 4 years of my 20’s but I was hopeful that could still have a chance to become a mom in my 30’s.

In 2010 I was introduced to the SGI (Soka Gakkia International) Buddhist practice and became a member on January 1st, 2011. After joining the practice I jumped straight into supporting roles as district then chapter leader as well as doing behind the scenes work for byakuren and going on trips. My soka sisters had been encouraging me to make some big changes in my life personally, professionally and within my faith for a long time so during my late 20’s I became determined that I was going to start taking better care of my physical and mental health. I began to go to therapy, eat better, exercising and go on hikes regularly which would help increase my odds of having a child as well. I felt so much better once I gave my mind and body what it needed to be healthy and noticed that I was outgrowing my PCOS.

At 30, in the fall of 2021, I started a 10 month certification program at UTSA to be become a paralegal to be completed on August 20th, 2022. As my 31st birthday was coming up in a few months at the beginning of 2022, my partner at the time and I decided that we wanted to try for a family. Knowing that I had tried in the past without success I was doubtful that it would happen for me once again, but early in January of this year I was sick for several days with what I now know is morning sickness. At first I thought I was coming down with something since it was allergy season but then food and smells began to bother me as my sickness intensified. I went to get a covid test initially but couldn’t get one so I went to H‑E‑B for a home pregnancy test. I’ll never forget the moment I seen that second line come up on that test while standing in that bathroom stall, so many emotions all at once, of joy, fear, excitement, and anxiety.

I immediately went around the corner to my friend, Ciel, with tears of happiness and fear where they and their mom embraced me with love and reassurance that everything would be alright. Over the next week I summoned the courage to tell my family and close friends what was going on, receiving nothing but love and support from everyone, especially from my mothers, Kim and Karen, and grandfather, Daniel. Then, over the next several months in between working full time, going to school, and participating in SGI activities, I begin to prepare for my little one.I was buying all kinds of things and either asking or googling a million questions a day while chanting for a happy, healthy child.

I would day dreamed of all the things we’d do together, the naps we would take, everything I wanted him to learn about and read to him, as well as the kinds of conversations we might have as he grows and experiences life. I also day dreamt about child birth in an attempt to prepare myself for the pain. I have a high pain tolerance and kept saying to everyone who asked if I was going to have an epidural that I wanted to experience it all as naturally as possible as well as wanting to avoid the complications that come with it but was open to taking other drugs in the moment to ease the pain if needed.

On Sunday, August 7th I had a wonderful day celebrating the beginning of this new chapter at my baby shower with friends and family from different parts of my life. My moms went and friends went to great lengths to make it an amazing day for me!

But at 36 weeks pregnant after a full day of walking around on the following Sunday, August 14th, my water broke around 630pm so I powered through dinner and 4 good contractions before I was on my way to the hospital with my mom around 830pm. Just before 10pm I was in the labor and delivery triage at only 2cm dilated having major contractions and severe nausea but refusing an epidural still wanting to experience this moment as naturally as I could. By the time I’m taken up to a delivery room and the nurse goes to check how dilated I am she has to ask for a cart because I am fully dilated! Of course, I’m still experiencing waves of contractions coming closer together so I ask “what about pain meds?” to which the nurse replied “it’s too late for medication, you’re having this baby!”

With my mom on my left and nurses and doctors surrounding me giving me encouragement with each push, I give birth to my beautiful son, Gabriel Alexander, at 1158pm. He weighed 5.8 pounds and was 18.25in long. All of a sudden I felt the weight of his tiny body on my chest and time just stood still for us as they cleaned me up. I introduced myself to him and told him that I’d waited a very long time to meet him. I tried to breastfeed but my milk hadn’t come in so we tried to give him formula but since he was born early his sugar bank wasn’t built up enough. He kept falling asleep while trying to eat so he had to go to the NICU the next afternoon to be put on dextrose while I had to wait in bed for my 24 hours on a magnesium drip to be done due to blood pressure issues right after birth.

After being taken off the drip I was able to go visit Gabriel in the NICU at 6am Tuesday morning! The first time I got to go down I felt like a love sick 16 year old teenager all over again the second I saw him as I waddled as fast as I could to his side with a book in my hands. I chanted with him as he gripped his tiny fingers around my index finger with the tightest grip. During one of my visits his little peepers were open looking around when he locked eyes with me, all I could say was “Hi! I’m your mom!” as my heart melted. I would sit with him for as long as I was able to either chanting to him or talking to him about how he can never give up in between staring at his perfect self.

Gabriel’s health improved quickly, he was eating good and his sugar was staying high so he was slowly able to be weaned off the dextrose while I was released from the hospital by that Wednesday. It was such a bitter sweet moment when I was able to go home to shower and sleep that night alone. My old man/senior puppy, Bear, knew instantly that I’d become a mom as he looked at me with pride and admiration. That night was filled with so much love and joy in our home even though it all made me cry!

Thursday morning I was told Gabriel was free to come home, so I returned to the hospital as soon as I could that afternoon with my step mom feeling so much anxious joy! We all gathered around him, including the animals, to greet him to his new home as we stared in amazement at him. None of us could stop staring, especially Pepper Doodles! He was just so perfect and amazing🥹His first night home was surprisingly easy as long as I fed him on time, apparently I got lucky and had a laid back baby!

In the midst of this life changing event happening I still had school commitments to finish in order to graduate from the program, so Friday night I finished my last 2 assignments and prepped for my final exam in the morning. I pampered myself while my moms took care of Gabe for me that night so I could sleep well. Saturday, I woke up to an email from my professor saying I’d passed the final assignments then took my final exam and passed my last semester with an A overall! My mom and grandpa took me to my graduation ceremony that afternoon while my step mom watched Gabe for me so that I could walk the stage and meet people I’d been seeing on zoom calls for months. I couldn’t stop smiling that day, I finally had my baby boy and achieved a major life goal all in the same week!

Gabriel is doing absolutely wonderful, he’s the life of the party everywhere he goes! He’s a very calm person who just wants to be apart of what’s going on. He makes me and everyone else laugh constantly! I still chant to him to help him sleep and give him all the positive energy I can. I’ve never experienced a love so deep like this, it’s so hard to explain, but I’m so thankful for all the love, support, and diamoku we have received from friends and family. I feel like I have a whole new outlook on life that has made so appreciative of my Buddhist practice, my soka family, my chosen family of friends, and of course my biological family. I’m also appreciative to be in a position professionally that I was able to take a lot of time off to be with my son while we bonded.

I look back on all those years of struggle not having a child and am thankfully for those times as well as I was not nearly prepared for the responsibility as I thought I was, I definitely feel that the universe gave me the responsibility and gift of motherhood when I was truly ready for it after all the years of polishing my mirror through my efforts in SGI and personal human revolution. Gabriel is so loved and supported in every way possible, he has the potential to do whatever he wants in life with me being his number one cheerleader. With Nam Myoho Renge Kyo and my determination to make this world a better place for all people I’ll also be an example for my son that you can do whatever you put your mind to, to stand up for what’s right, and to help those in need through my new career journey as a paralegal and a continuing practitioner of Buddhism. I’m so excited to see what the future has in store for my son, my family and myself!

I’d like to end my experience with some words of wisdom from Ikeda

On April 1, 2020 daily encouragement Daisaku Ikeda says,

“None of us can exist in isolation. Our lives and existence are supported by others in seen and unseen ways, be it by parents, mentors or society at large. To be aware of these connections, to feel appreciation for them, and to strive to give something back to society in a spirit of gratitude is the proper way for human beings to live.”

On August 25, 2016 President Daisaku Ikeda writes in his daily encouragement:

“How can we achieve family harmony, which represents world peace in miniature?

“First, we ourselves must strive to be a bright, sunny presence in our homes, enfolding all our family members in the light of compassion.

“Second, we need to respect one another, recognizing that the family ties between parent and child, or between spouses or partners, are karmic bonds enduring throughout the three existences of past, present and future.

“Third, we need to make a positive contribution to society and work to foster successors who will do likewise.”