“Expected” adolescent, underutilized potential

— Son under pressure delivers, yes! Proof of this is Daniel: he only solves things when under pressure. I don't know how but, at the right time, he manages and delivers what is expected of him. It's like that in everything: for exams, work, at home... Stressful to think about living under constant pressure but... if it works out for him... it's worth it.

It was like this, listening to the conversation of three friends, that I remembered Cesar, a teammate from work whose name I changed out of respect for his privacy. Unlike the young Daniel, Cesar was an adult, married, the father of a family and the leader of an important project at the company, and I was one of the eight co-participants in the team responsible for delivering the results of that same project.

What do Daniel and Cesar have in common? Both deliver results under pressure. Hence, the association of one to the other and a trick question comes to mind:

— Is Daniel the harbinger of yet another Cesar in the world?

The Enemy Perfectionism

It is difficult to believe that a child under pressure is an acceptable means of delivering results, but, a perfectionist that I am, I understand that it is not a reliable parameter to give an opinion on the issue. Aware of my exaggerated expectations of the other, I often end up shooting myself in the foot – and the other’s – for that.

Therefore, discounting my high rule and sometimes heavy criticism, I insist on discussing:

— Would satisfactory deliveries be a good example for a teenager in frank learning about the competitive world in which we live?

Admittedly a perfectionist – and aware of the pros and cons of this characteristic – I have been working seriously on adjusting my worldview and route because of this. I know I need to balance expectations and demands of a child under pressure, but that doesn't mean I'm content with a low ruler.

I've been making efforts to improve on this without, however, lowering the bar of the quality of the minimally expected deliveries; neither mine nor the son's. Today I even allow myself to make mistakes, I recognize my own faults – and those of others – without self-punishment and extra weight, which, for me, is already a tremendous evolution.

Yes because, believe me: I did not spare my children from excesses, I confess and they attest. Exactly because of this permissive dynamic I needed – and was willing to – change. Otherwise, the child would develop under extra pressure and consequently be anxious and unable to perform at a healthy level of delivery.

The disguised self-confidence

I remember a situation forever marked in my memory. We were working on an innovative project at that renowned multinational. The board had expectations about the results of that pilot (test phase of a new idea) and Cesar – that friend of results under pressure – promising executive, was the leader of that challenge.

We had to develop new actions, research, involve other areas and colleagues from inside and outside the corporation, collect and analyze data. Anyway, it was challenging work, heavy and generating a lot of stress... for everyone involved, in a way children under pressure... like young Daniel, for example.

The project continued for a semester. In different phases, it required changes, adjustments, adaptations and, mainly, periodic monitoring of results. Everything was very new to everyone. We felt constantly evaluated, which made us apprehensive on the one hand and, on the other, even more committed to flawless deliveries.

Cesar, a guy with a calm speech and demeanor, with a discreet and friendly smile, seemed unconcerned with the level of stress. On the contrary: he even seemed comfortable leading the work, which for many – including me – seemed like security.

The self-confidence shown, in a way, reassured us and led us to believe that everything was going well and as expected. So, a week before the delivery of the first phase, the team met to analyze the first conclusions.

As a preview of what would be presented the following week, we got together anxious but still confident in the work done so far. That's when the expected meeting turned into a real nightmare.

Son under pressure can't see

Gradually, each one realized that, in fact, Cesar was too calm for someone who owed him better deliveries. The meeting soon turned into an uproar. The team, then suddenly distressed, discovered that the self-assured leadership was actually an example of a Daniel, a child under pressure who is used to delivering only what is expected.

"Bag, people!" Calm down... leave it to me. I'm like that, I know myself. I work under pressure. When the deadline approaches, I move. Stay calm. Everything will be fine. – he said when he noticed our near desperation.

The meeting extended beyond the imagined: we needed to realign expectations. Stunned, we began to question the deliveries. After all, we were dealing with directors who were just as, or even more, eager to attest to our competence by delivering what Cesar seemed to be the only one not to understand.

It is difficult to raise a child “above expectations”

Teaching a teenager to work at school, at work, at home or in any other way is the first step in forming a responsible adult who is committed to his or her responsibilities. Requiring planning for your child to deliver them satisfactorily is the second step in the formation of a committed and average adult in deliveries, which, in fact, is not absolutely bad but is expected.

At this level, there are no surprises: neither for good nor for bad ... and that's okay. Difficult and, for that very reason, out of the ordinary, is teaching – and demanding – a teenager to surprise with better deliveries, an arduous, continuous – and dangerous, I assume – exercise of persistence, which, many times, we parents of teenagers refrain from doing .

We noticed carelessness and procrastination of the child without fighting – including in different ways – to reverse the situation. We downplay and justify the "Cesars" by settling for minimal deliveries after a lot of pressure.

It's really hard to do something different by expecting more from your teenage son. Laborious, tiring – I would say exhausting – persisting in teaching and demanding commitment to deliver at the height of his real capacity, that is, his best, which, we know, never happens when a child under pressure does it at the last minute and carelessly.

The Two Sides of Perfectionism

We completed the project but at the expense of excessive and unnecessary nervousness. In my opinion, at the expense of even a certain disrespect for colleagues committed to superior deliveries, which, unfortunately, did not happen because we delivered what was expected of a project that was initially seen as innovative.

Unlike many, I'm not averse to perfectionists. I like these and thanks to several of them, I learned to seek my best being, doing and delivering my best. Charged with what I thought I couldn't achieve, today I see what they saw beyond, my potential, and that's why they encouraged me to exceed expectations.

I was subliminally taught what not to be: an adult who delivers under pressure. Thanks to these "evil favorites" – as I called them – I learned to plan, to prepare myself for naturally stressful situations and to manage them in favor of superior deliveries.

I am aware that I also became a demanding woman and mother and, therefore, also menacingly inflexible which, I confess, materialized for a long time in my relationships but which, after properly adjusted, perfected me as a human being responsible for good deliveries.

The net influence of my “bad guys” is indisputably positive. Of that I am sure. The high ruler undoubtedly contributed to the formation of an adult committed to the ideal of a society with greater results than "expected", which inspires me to teach and seek the same with adolescent children.

For better adults for the world

Counting on competent people to bring out my best inspired me as a mother to pursue the same with children. By helping them realize their potential, I'm sure I'm also encouraging them not to settle for the basics but to commit to above-average delivery.

I never got used to the natural procrastination of a teenage son who only does it under pressure. Despite the specific characteristic of the phase, I did not shirk the duty to first make my delivery: better adults for the world, which involves demanding effort from a teenage son for results beyond expectations.

Being a parent is also a project: active, dynamic and lifelong which, at each stage, demands new commitments. Much bigger than any other, this is indeed a complex and important project at all times that demands competence from us to carry it out above the "ordinary".

In real life, we are those directors co-responsible – and anxious – for the most challenging deliveries to the world: our children, new adults. Let's do more, dedicate ourselves more to the project of forming better adults in the world; Let's educate more creatively and efficiently.

Son can more; we can – and we did! – much more than average and mediocre results. The world is already fed up with the Cesares; me too.