Evolution

It was or seemed such a long time ago now that I had heard a thump on my front door. Not your usual knock a thumping knock, police knock. I approached the door my husbarned opened it and two police officers were stood there. Can we come in ? What’s it regardy my husband asked ? “Your Brother et in law - it would help if we coould come in” Yes yes of course my husband replied. You may need to sit down. You Brother has committed suicide, we are deeply sorry to have to tell you this and offer our condolences. How ?? I asked my face streaming with tears .. He replied “He electrocuted himself to main socket board.

I was heavily pregnant sure to give birth in a week, was looking forward to it, now I didn’t know if I wanted at shit,shave, or haircut. I felt numb. My best friend my confident my brother who my husband and I fostered. I let him down, I don’t know how but I did . It’s all my fault if only I listened more if only I …then I passed out.

When I woke up we had arrived at my brothers flat it was full of police cars Mira Vans - flashing lights lights everywhere my my screaming layer on the street, my sister stood in a cove near the entrance to the flat just in shock. I just turned round said”Terry my husband give me some of that weed to smoke I do not give two sh… I can’t cope with all this. I had two puffs went over too my mum couldn’t get any senses out of her and my Sister just wasn’t interested- it was like a scene out of a packet of crisps and two pints of lager as I’m waddling about, knot knowing wether I want to laugh or cry. Apparently the Police officer informed me my mum had just gone into the flat it was dark , she found our Roy layed on the kitchen floor as she went to shake him she got her an electric shock which blew hew across the kitchen. She was explaining that she didn’t think my mum should should be on her own tonight and that really she should be hospital. I told her I can’t have her I’m going to go into labour any minute,which left our Jill who hated my mum and she said she would have to this one night she supposed and bundelled her into the car.more or less threw my mum in the car telling her it’s for one night .

I came home and just sat gazing out of my window at the full moon in all her glory the light swelling across the skies I saw a star shine brightly and then shoot out of sight. I crawled into bed held onto my red and white croqched blanket a friend at work had beautifully put together for my newborn boy to be born. I drifted off for an hour when the door was yet again being banged upon. I went downstairs opened the door two police officers with my mum in tow. They explained my sister Jill had thrown her outside the car door as she drove round the bends going to New Mills with she was not listening to the absolute nonsense coming out of her mouth. The next day we dropped her off at Auntie Muriels as she was the only sister of my mums that would have her. She just kept rambling on about how our Jill had slept with her late husband and had an abortion with him. My mum explained how she knew and that Jill didn’t deny it. I just thought I haven’t even cried, I’m due to give birth any minute and you couldn’t write this shit up if you tried - no one would believe it.

I had my mum to worry about, I’ve almost gone into labour as I’m sorting out the funeral with no money or funding yet with my brother Dad saying he had no money ; my mum half semi conscious telling me a tale of her husband and my Sister and I just wanted to scream so loud that the Earth 🌍 would rotate the other way round.

Anyway cut a long story short I ended up with post natal Depression undiagnosed for 18months ,had a massive breakdown was sectioned to my local psychiatric hospital but that’s another tale maybe you will get to hear all about it one day but the most helpful and most positive thing that has happened to me in two years is being accepted into a book club reading and opening up to new ideas from Vocal.

I sleep better I eat better and I communicate better - yes life’s looking up.