Divorce and Blended Families: The Good and Bad.

Divorce: a word filled with negativity and brokenness, a wave of destruction that has and continues to complicate a countless number of families. According to the Journal of Marriage & Divorce, “In 2008, it was estimated that 40% of all marriages ended in divorce” (Uphold-Carrier & Utz, 2012). In 2008, the divorce rate was high, but today it is even higher, and it only continues to rise each year. Personally, divorce has been an impact on my own life, ever since I was two years old. Over the years I notice the affects my parents’ divorce has had on me, such as emotional instability, mental health issues, and the fear of failed relationships. Today, these complications are common in a lot of children and young adults in the middle of a separation, especially when exposed to it at a young age. My ultimate claim is a civil relationship between divorced parents should always be formed, so children can experience a happy life. As well as, blended families should work together in a mutual manner, all to achieve a healthy, positive family environment for children.

First, let us understand why a relationship may end? As a child, it is important for us to look up to our parents, wanting to be just like them and act the way they do is normal. When I was young, I looked at my parents like they were heroes; they were invincible. However, as an adult I realize all grown-ups have their own faults, make mistakes, and have bad days. As an adult, relationships can be hard to find and maintain, especially when other stressors of life are involved. Any relationship takes time and commitment, on both sides; meaning a relationship will not work, unless both people put in the effort. Sometimes we may feel confused about a relationship or have thoughts we never had before. In fact, a good percentage of relationships may struggle or become distant because of the fear of uncertainty. On the other hand, there are many other factors that determine why couples may have conflict. For example, when children become a part of a relationship, it is common for couples to focus much of their attention on them throughout their lifetime. For a while, the relationship maintains its stability because both parents are distracted, but when children grow up and ‘leave the nest’, couples begin to realize how little they know about one another. The Journal of Family Issues explains this idea as, “empty nest syndrome”, which affects both parents, but highly affects mothers. “…research demonstrates that parents—especially mothers—experience deleterious effects when their children leave home. In this sense, it is assumed that parents experience a loss that is significant and profound—one that results in negative outcomes such as depression, alcoholism, identity crisis, and martial conflict” (Mitchell & Lovegreen, 2009). I agree with the authors because usually, when it is time for children to leave home, couples take that time to recreate the relationship they once shared. However, many couples do the opposite and lose the connection they once had, and in the end, no longer fight to get it back. Of course, there are an endless amount of reasons to why relationships fail, like cheating, trust issues, different goals/desires, or just losing the connection that once was unstoppable. On the other hand, it is crucial to look at how many young adults get married, especially if pregnancy arises. My parents were young when they married, my dad in his early twenties and my mom, still a teenager. To this day they each realized that committing to someone so young put a lot of pressure on them, and that rushing into something only made it worse. The Journal of Health and Social Behavior suggests, “Marriage is often accompanied by a sense of relationship permanence, and despite the relatively high rate of divorce in the United States, marriages are much more likely to last than other relationships such as cohabitations” (Uecker, 2012). I disagree with this statement because I feel when in a relationship people feel they do not have to fully commit to the other person, since there are no vows, or an official license involved. However, when marriage occurs, I feel couples tend to panic or become overwhelmed by the permanent commitment they decided to make, and that is the beginning of a failed marriage. Also, in my opinion many people today do not take marriage as seriously as it was in older times. In older times, divorce was frowned upon and many couples would stay together just to please their parents or family members. Furthermore, women were more dependent on men because most women were not able to work or provide a living for themselves. The Contemporary Family Therapy journal implies, “Marrying for love became prominent in society in the early to mid-1900’s whilst women entered the work force and no fault divorces emerged; thereafter, the rates of divorce began to increase” (Soloski et al, 2013). Today, single women hold stable jobs, take care of themselves and children, all while being responsible for cooking, cleaning and other chores around the house. Women can vote, drive, run for president, receive an education, and additionally have a lower dependency on men as time goes on. The term marriage is beginning to have different meanings and is becoming less of a trend among women all over the United States, and even in different parts of the world. Although, divorce can never be done at a ‘good time’ in life, it is studied that young adults are more likely to maintain a healthier and more stable life when facing parental divorce. It is more likely that they will succeed in school, their career, obtain a relationship, and have a lower chance of depression. On the other hand, children who experience divorce at a young age are impacted ten times more than those who were older. The Journal of Divorce & Remarriage states, “…most studies conclude that young children exhibit lower academic performance, delayed psychological development, strained relationships with family members, and poorer mental health” (Uphold-Carrier & Utz, 2012). This statement is appropriate, in the sense that when we are young our brains are developing and growing. Also, children do not understand as much as they do when they are older, so the word divorce is foreign to them. That is until, their daily routines and lives begin to change. Some of these changes are as follows: going back and forth between each parent’s home, moving schools, receiving a new member of the family (stepmother, stepfather, stepsiblings), a change in income, and learning to live without both parents under the same roof. First, being part of a blended family is unique and diverse. I remember when my dad remarried, and I gained a stepmother and a stepbrother. At first, I did not like the idea, I wanted my family to remain the way it was before. Although, as time went on, they became essential to my life. My stepmom has always helped me with fashion, she took me places that I have never been before, like New York City, and she is someone I can talk to if I do not feel comfortable with anyone else. My stepbrother is my age and growing up, we had a lot in common, including the same friend group, hobbies, and school work. The Journal of Divorce & Remarriage explains, “Stepfamily functioning and couple functioning appear to be inextricably linked. In the remarried family system there is a complex set of dynamics that create difficulty between the couple, the stepparent, and the children” (Martin-Uzzi & Duval-Tsioles, 2013). Furthermore, academic distress is the most common affect divorce has on children. Many children are unable to focus, or they worry excessively about the changes in their lives, which leads to trouble in school, no degree, and finally, the inability to pursue a future occupation. Also, it is common that most children who experience divorce, later realize they do not want to pursue a marriage because they do not want to go through their own divorce, for the sake of themselves or potentially their own children. Additionally, they have become absorbed to the idea that families split or that marriages are not meant to last. The Journal of Divorce & Remarriage explains further, “Some researchers claim that children of divorce are constantly waiting for “the other shoe to drop” when it comes to their lives and, especially, their personal relationships” (South, 2013). This statement, personally, I understand well because I know the pain of feeling like nothing ever works out, the feeling that when something bad happens it is normal and expected.

The decision-making process for divorce is crucial for parents to understand. It is important to understand how the decision will affect your children and how it will affect the rest of your own life. Divorce does not have to be a negative term, however. Sometimes relationships are unable to work, and most of the time that is for the best. Often, we look at divorce as if the “world is ending” or maybe we fail to understand the reasons behind it. Like most things in life, divorce is what you make it. For example, my parents have put their differences aside, even when they disagree, their main priority is living a happy, conflict-free life. The Journal of Divorce & Remarriage conducted a study on 336 undergraduates and the positive outcomes each student has had because of their parents’ divorce. The author’s claim, “Although the stereotypical cultural printout is that divorce is “bad” and that children of divorce are from a “broken home,” this research emphasizes the silver lining. Even in the worst of divorces, there are positive outcomes” (Halligan, Chang, & Knox, 2014). I agree with the authors’ ideas, although divorce can be mentally and emotionally challenging, many children and young adults are able to learn from divorce in a positive way. The study showed many students were a lot happier to have less conflict in the house, many parents became a lot more civil to one another since divorcing, and a lower number of students wished their parents were still married. My family amazes me every day because today, I do not see many families like mine; we vacation together, spend holidays together, share stories and create memories, as if the divorce never occurred. Children want their parents to be happy, and parents deserve to be happy, so they can provide a good life for their children. Personally, I would rather my parents be apart and get along, then be together and fight all the time, because conflict destructs the brain more than a mutual split-up. Also, co-parenting can be successful if both parents are on board. Today, “Divorce Education Programs” have been helpful to divorced parents across the United States, by teaching parents how to co-parent in a positive and mutual way. Parents should be able to discuss issues or concerns about their children, celebrate their children’s birthday, communicate different decisions about their children, and spend time with their children, all while being respectful to one another. Beginning in the 1970’s, different states in the United States have studied multiple programs to help parents develop a strong co-parenting bond, but recently the divorce education program has impacted many families already. The Child & Adolescent Social Work Journal states, “Programs that aim to improve communication between divorced parents help parents separate unresolved divorce related conflict from co-parenting conflict. These programs also bring attention to covert forms of co-parenting conflict and have demonstrated some success in reducing relitigation rates and/or reducing overt forms of conflict between divorced parents” (Ferraro et al., 2016).

In conclusion, divorced parents should be civil and respectful to one another. Also, the role of a blended family should obtain effective communication for all members of the family. Moreover, divorce highly affects children and young adults, even into their future, but it does not have to be negative. I look at my family, and the divorce education program and see hope, hope that one day every family can be as determined, strong, and open-minded to overlooking each other’s differences and focusing on the importance of what being a family truly means.