Death

We had just been together last Wednesday, I was thinking of how I wanted to know more about him and his life before he was taken away by death, but I was also looking at him and admiring him as the person I knew him to be. It was not out of sorts for me to look at my family and acknowledge their Divine beauty, but the way I was looking at him, a part of me knew what was going to happen in just a few short days. My last memory with him was perfect.

I thought the pain of losing a family member I was so close with would never end, as it turns out the pain turned into acceptance in a shorter amount of time then I expected. My Uncle passed away on February 23rd, 2020, It is now the 26th and I did not at all expect to heal so quickly, but my mom says it will come and go.

My boyfriend, Charlie, was with me when I got my moms phone call, telling me her brother had passed away around 7a.m.. I knew one thing for sure, the universe was doing this to make me stronger, make my family stronger. Not one cell, molecule, or speck of matter in my being, thought that I deserved this, I was being punished, or this was karma. I automatically knew this was all for my families highest good. I am not a religious person but I do believe that the energy that all of life comes from is not out to get us or torture us.

Charlie spent the next two days with me, he was not acting any different then usual and he was keeping me laughing and happy for a good portion of the past couple of days, or just holding me close when I needed to cry. Charlie met my uncle and right away they got along and had a nice time together, my uncle wanted his “Tito’s” dad cap, so my boyfriend went and bought him one, but he never got the chance to give it to him. He was strong for me and I will never forget that, I have never lost someone I was so close with so this pain stung more than I could have ever imagined.

I was scheduled to go into work the day of and day after my uncle passed. I told them I could not make it the day of his passing and my boss (Thank you Gardy, bless your soul) said that she understood and it was okay. I work in a cafe with only a handful of people working for the day and it gets crazy if one of us can not show up, no one ever calls out. I knew I had to go in the following day but I tried to get someone to cover me, with no luck. I tried to be strong, I could have just not showed up and lost my job but I told myself I did not have a choice.

I take the train to work, it happened to be full of people, my anxiety was through the roof and I was wishing Charlie was with me. He had been my rock, without him I felt I was falling deeper into this darkness I was experiencing. I tried to hold back my tears but something came over me and I just could not push my pain down. It all came flooding out. I was lucky to be sitting, there were 30+ people on that tiny train yet no one wanted to sit down. I laid my head back, closed my eyes, and pretended no one was there. I could feel the eyes on me so I kept them closed until the first stop I had to get off at. I tried calling my Charlie, the ringing went on and on. I kept my head down, the tears would not stop.

I arrived at the mall I work at and I held it together with enough time for me to get to the back room of the cafe, where we do the dishes and what not. I saw my coworkers whom I love to pieces, and I had a mini mental breakdown in front of them. Brian and Alice comforted me as best they could; what helped me come back to earth was Brian’s deep breathes, which naturally, I followed along. Within 5-7 minutes, I was some what put back together. I never saw these moments coming, therefor I was not prepared for them.

That day at work is a blur, I just stared off a lot and tried my best to be normal, it was Tuesday that was rough. I had a customer visiting from some other country who never received part of her order and she was pissed off. I was on the other end of that nonsense. I was trying my best not to get angry with her but it was increasingly coming out. I refunded her only for her to end up deciding she still wanted her food but that she was in a rush.

She caused this scene in front of another customer and was only making herself look bad. She asked how long it would take and I said “a minute or two” she goes and sits back down, and my colleague makes her the meal. She gets up and starts walking out and I said “but it’s ready??” She blows me off and that was when I lost any little bit of cool I had left in me. In front of the following customer, I hit the counter with a fist full of rage. “I’m sorry” I said to this lady, “my uncle passed away yesterday”.

My eyes started to well up with tears. “I’m so sorry, you shouldn’t be working”, she was genuinely sad for me after seeing that whole interaction I had with this woman before her. I said “I know”. I proceeded to take her order and make her matcha latte like everything was okay. Inside, I was screaming, with dark thoughts flooding my mind. I am not an aggressive person, but I just wanted to punch everyone I saw in the face, except for the people who showed me love and kindness. Thank God I do not feel that way anymore, it was not enjoyable.

Even with all my beliefs, I still could not stop being so angry. I still do not know why I was so full of this intense rage. I did not question it because when I tried to, I could not figure it out. I decided to ride the wave, my intuition told me “it is okay to feel the way you feel.” So I stayed pissed off for a few days, until this morning.

This morning was no different from the past few mornings, I woke up feeling distraught. Then it happened, I decided I did not want to keep feeling the way I had been feeling. I am 20 years old and live with my mom, she was out running errands and it gave me the opportunity to have a conversation with my self out loud. “He is gone, it is a fact, he is not coming back, he was not healthy, he was sort of getting old. To wish it were different is to not accept my circumstances. I am not being present.” I felt relief wash over me.

I am still devasted I will never hug my favorite uncle again, but I am mostly devasted for my mom. She is one tough cookie, but he was the brother that checked up on her the most, spent the most time with her, and helped her out the most. He was the most loving and the least judgemental of her siblings, she may not say it but he was definitely her favorite sibling. My mother’s name is Odalys, she works so hard, even with all that has been going on, she has still been working hard. My name is Mandy, if you can spare it, send my family some love. Thank you for listening to my story, it felt good to write this out. I appreciate you, stay prosperous.