Dear mum,

Dear Mum,

First and foremost, i love you.

What you are about to read has been really hard to write please be patient with me, it's taken me a while to be able to write some of my thoughts and feelings.

I know you find it hard to understand me and that our family isn't very close so none of us can talk to each other about feelings. As a family we have been through a lot of shit and we've all handled it differently. Being abused both verbally and physically growing up by the men in my life. I began feeling the need to control some part of my life without even realising it. I now struggle to do normal day to day activity's, having to question everything i do again and again. It's exhausting! I'm tired, always tired. Forever on edge and watching everyone around me not being able to trust anyone. I can't sleep because i don't feel safe in my own dreams and wake up screaming out from all the flashbacks. I don't like to be alone because i hate being left with my own thoughts. It got to the point were i would start to self harm either to punish my self if i feel like iv'e done something wrong or upset someone or just feel like i deserve it.I'd self harm to somehow release the pressure building up inside and numb my self then sometimes i'd be able to sleep or just calm down for a bit. After looking down at my self i feel ashamed and weak that i'm able to stoop down to such a low point, but i think seeing the shame and confusion in peoples eyes are worse. They make me feel shit, when i already do. I hate my self. I feel dirty when i look at my self i hate my skin it feels dirty and not mine.

That's when i started to draw to keep my mind busy but still expressing myself. Now that my body is scared, battered and bruised, I'm covering up the mess and abuse i feel everyday, with beautiful art. So that when i look at my own reflection instead of feeling angry, trapped and dirty. I look at the inked art on my body that i created i feel, happy, love and feel like living. I look at some of the scars that shine through the art and see the past covered in something beautiful and that is what has helped me stop abusing myself for the past. I'm slowly falling in love with my appearance again and instead of seeing a weak person i'm starting to see a survivor. I finally started to like my smile after my cheek piercing i actually felt pretty for a while. I've always disliked my smile but something about the cheek piercings made my smile feel real and mine. But then hearing people say that "I've ruined my appearance" or "it's a shame because you HAD such a lovely face," It crushed me. I'm use to the mean comments but this struck somewhere deep and i can't erase those words from my memory.

I hope that i have to strength to let you read this one day. I hope you don't take this letter the wrong way and I hope you feel proud that i managed to share some of my thoughts with you. I hope that you feel a little of an understanding about some of my actions and see my side of seeing certain things.

i love you x x x

from no_one_important