Dear Mom

May 2020

Dear Mother,

Here’s $400 cash for grandpa’s account. It will still be two weeks or so until I find a place to move. Maybe longer. I have several more leads to follow, numbers to call, applications to fill out, and legal documents to collect. Under the circumstances, for any landlord or seller to approve a lease application I will need proof of identity theft, copies of FBI reports, copies of communications from Cyber Crimes Unit, bank statements, court orders, anything else I have proving why my credit is in ruins, and a streak of damn good luck and damn good people.

Several sensitive legal documents were stolen: Birth certificates, social security cards, shot records, insurance cards, ledgers for business, records for the animal rescue, professional licenses, and proof of employment and income. My driver’s license needs renewed and the Fiat, my only option to lease at the car dealership in town, has not been updated or paired with the key fob and caused the car the malfunction. It won’t turn over only 4 four days after I drove it off the lot.

I arrived at your door unannounced. I took my children and abandoned our home after the ceiling caved in. It was more than coincidence that I was supposed to appear in court the same morning to fight eviction. The same morning Ingleke had his state boy tow my car and lock us out of the farm. He was awarded judgement for my absence, otherwise , I believe he would be serving a prison sentence for landlord abuse, neglect, illegal and unethical practice, and failure to disclose information that would’ve forced the state to condemn the home. What wasn’t locked inside the house was left in a heap in the open hay barn, ravaged by rain, and picked through by drifters.

It will take time for me to save enough money to leave. Unemployment told me I would be receiving one year’s worth of SSI benefits but only one month ended up in my bank account. I know we weren’t invited and if it conveniences you to hate me I will be the bad guy. I love you, mother, and I want to give you peace. Giving me a hard time instead of trying to co-exist is only slowing my progress and peaking your frustration. I ask that you take a step back and consider that I may actually be giving my best effort each day to recover from a total loss. Starting from scratch, again. Some days, my best effort is staying calm. The days get heavier as friction between us and between opposing forces in my life increases. I have PTSD. It’s a real diagnosis. I have severe panic disorder from ongoing and untreated ADHD. That’s a real diagnosis with very real symptoms. Sometimes debilitating. Sometimes I am so overwhelmed I can’t move. I can’t breathe. I really believe I am dying on those occasions as if the walls will close in on me and bury me alive, or my throat will close up and I’ll suffocate. Even though the symptoms are psychological, and I am aware they are, they feel no less than real. I don’t know why you resent me. I don’t know why you can’t stand me. But the dynamic between us has to change even if only to avoid crossing paths. I know I’m no angel. I know I’ve done and said regrettable things but I actively try to atone and better myself and treat each moment as an opportunity to start fresh. I can’t change yesterday. I can’t make miracles happen. I don’t expect anything from you except humane treatment so I can move along quickly and painlessly as possible.

Are you the same person you were last week, or last year? I know I’m constantly evolving, for better or worse. All I can do is what I’m capable of doing. Every decision I make is to ensure my family’s survival. I never intentionally hurt or swindle my family or friends. All I wanted, all I cared about, was keeping the family intact. There’s no one here anymore. This family, the entire family, has fallen to pieces over petty shit and we forgot what’s really important. But I can’t control how you feel, how you act, what you think. I can only be good to myself and my loved ones during my time of need. I can’t make you believe I care or have good intentions but I can believe in myself. I’m done wasting energy trying to hold up leaning leaning tower.

Maybe one day when I’m gone you’ll be able to step into my shoes and see things from my eyes. I don’t harbor hit or place blame. I am grieving the loss of my family. I am in agony but I can’t make you see my own pain and effort. But that’s for me to deal with. I want my mom back. I want my brother back. I want ME back. I’m sorry you don’t see your only daughter standing in front of you crying for her mother’s love. I’m sorry you can’t see me anymore but there’s nothing I can do. I tried to walk in your shoes, to feel and understand your experience every day and it is murdering my spirit.

I’ll end here. I’m begging you for peace, patience, and understanding for the next few weeks. When you hurt me, you hurt both of us. I beg you give your grand baby boy a chance. I can see the cold stares. I watch you shy away like you’re afraid if you touch him he’ll poison you. I ask you to consider that both of us are right and wrong. In the very least if you cannot find it in your heart to be constructive or corgual please don’t do anything at all. I try my best to stay out of the way. Now this debt is settled. If you want anything else write it down because I can’t give you the peace of mind that you seek. I sure you the feeling linger long after i’m gone no matter where I go, no matter where you go. It’s a lesson about grief and introspection that we all have to learn. It is the ugly, the dark, the weak, and sad parts of ourself we have to eventually acknowledge, accept, and comfortably live with.

I forgive you. I know all too well the divine tragedy of being human. If you need a punching bag, if you need to hate me right now, if you need me to be bad to distract you from your own anger, sadness, guilt, and grief over dad’s death and other unresolved emotional conflicts I’ll be that for you. Whatever you need me to be. I’ll be that for you. I would sacrifice myself to calm the storm in your mind, give you harmony and happiness. For the kids’ sake we don’t have to say another word. Not one of us is exempt from the “snakes in the garden”. I hope you find the peace you desire.

Be well,

Codi Lynn