Dear Daddy

Friday, July 24, 2015

5:30 a.m.

Dear Daddy,

You have been my father for 29 years and I am positive I waited around in heaven just for you and Mama; and I have always been your daughter; no matter the age I have become. I have not always been perfect but neither have you.

We all make mistakes in this life and none of us get out alive. We must live with our decisions however hasty they are; you have told me for as long as I can remember that all decisions have consequences no matter how monumental or miniscule the decision itself and I have always remembered that and tried my very best to live by it, I hope that you do as well.

Something I feel that you fail to realize is Mama will always be present in your children’s lives MUCH different than in yours, while you may be hurting because you lost the love of your life; your soul mate; you however will and have fallen in love again. While we - her children will and can never find a mother’s love like that again as long as we live.

A love will come and go but a child’s mother is forever; I will never EVER get that kind of love, affection or fulfillment again. She held all of our memories, and bumps and bruises, our aspirations and failures – all in her heart and mind.

She fought so exceedingly hard until the end because she couldn’t bare to leave her children behind, to leave her husband behind. And you ask me nonchalantly to in your own words “let go of the past”; Daddy I can never let go of my mother. I would think you could understand that and yet you say I am putting malice in everything I do!

I have done EVERYTHING you’ve asked; I talked to Wendy, hung out with her family, came to dinners, let her do my hair, what else could you possibly want from me??? You say you’re not forcing her on me as Mama but that is EXACTLY what you’re doing; give me my own damn time to come to terms!!! I am doing the very best that I can. You’re doing exactly what you would despise and scold your children for! You no longer practice what you preach…

You have always been the single person on this entire planet I have trusted and believed you when you said visions led your every move – or at least that is what you led us; your family to believe.

I want you to be happy more than anything in this world BUT not false happiness based on lust or loneliness. I want you to have the love that you and my mother shared; everlasting and unwavering. Wendy seems to be a good woman in my eyes and appears to care for you. But 6 months of dating leads to marriage? This I so not like you at all – you should take more time to be sure…. That’s what you would tell me…..

And yes I know you have made it abundantly clear you do NOT need our; your children’s; your own flesh and blood; your legacy; the only people who give a damn about you in this entire world’s permission or opinions when it comes to your life.

But you’re certainly quick to try and run ours. I care Daddy is why I am honest enough to say, while the others are not what is on my mind and within my heart which is breaking – I got that from YOU.

The only reason this is being done via letter is because you specifically told me to stay away from your home; which need I remind you is our mother’s home as well; regardless of her passing; and it is filled with items that may hold no value or worth to you or Wendy but are trenched in memories of a woman I can never get back, of a face I can never see again, never smell her perfume again, never hold her hand again, never get a mother’s advice again.

I wish heaven had a telephone so I could hear her voice just one more time. My mother will never meet my son, or my next child. She was gone for my final graduation and she will not be here to see her only daughter get married and you’ve already told me you will not walk me down then isle in which I’ve come to terms with!

I usually wake up crying almost every single night; even two years later when dreaming of Mama; always post mortem and scary, filled with torture and sadness from watching her demise night after night. A day doesn’t pass that every second is filled with her memories.

So FORGIVE me for being sentimental and a tad upset when all I did was ask to come remove some more of my mother’s belongings before y'all packed um up, threw um away to spread throughout my home to comfort me and to show my son pieces of who his grandmother was.

Your choices of words are always hurtful; you jump to conclusions based on what I am going to assume is hear say from a particular set of people. If that’s how you choose to base your most important decisions; I feel sorry for you.

Rather than coming to your only daughter and telling her you’re supposed “good news” you hide it like a dirty secret and let me find out through Tiffany who found out through Face book. That to me doesn’t sound like love- that sounds like a situation that needs another analysis or review because love does not need to be hidden.

You’re making a lifelong decision that rather you realize it or not- it does not simply affect you; it affects every one of your children and family members. I will not speak for my brothers but as for me I am deeply hurt and do not know if I can forgive the animosity you utilized on the phone with me the other day spouting words of disrespect to me; a person who has done absolutely NOTHING to disrespect you but rather supported you at your every whim. Having your facts straight before bombarding someone; especially your daughter would likely be good advice for you in the future.

P.S. You ever want to apologize; sincerely; you know where I am….…I hope your grandson see’s his Grandfather again soon… Were not really family anymore; more like strangers with memories… I am sorry if I hurt you with the truth but I would never comfort you with a lie….

Love you always, Tahnee