Daddy's Little Girl

Sitting here, feeling as if my wings have been clipped, I wonder what is going on. It has been almost four months and it still feels as if it was just yesterday. This is something I never thought I would have to go through, and even though I thought I was prepared, turns out I could never be ready for the flood of emotion that comes with this. Every single day I have to do it without you, my heart breaks just that much more. I never saw myself doing this, and let alone with a half-hearted smile on my face. But here I am.

As I write this, tears streaming down my face, I realize all of the hate and anger I harbor towards my sister is pointless. Even though I was never able to tell you goodbye, you knew. You knew everything without me ever having to say it. My heart breaks knowing I will never get you on the phone again, I will never see your face. I am heartbroken you will never fully know how much I love you and how much I will never forgive myself for the things I could never bring myself to say.

They say it doesn’t matter if you are 15 or 50, no matter how much you think you are prepared, you are not! Random thoughts creeping around your head at all hours of the day or night, and for some of us, including me, more than normal, you find a loss of control. That can make things that much worse.

Nightmares so real, I have been waking up searching for you, but then I realize you are no longer around. No longer able to take the fear or emotion out of it. I will never be able to hear your voice speak reason into why I am dreaming the way I am, or that everything will be okay.

You were the glue keeping us together, making sure we knew family always needed to have a place in our lives, no matter the fight or struggle we faced. Just like Grandpa did, you kept us in our places and did it without even trying.

Learning to live without you will take me the rest of my life. I never thought I would see the moment that I, the hard-shelled little girl, would have to face one of the hardest things in her life, alone. Without the one person who had always been there, had always protected me.

But here I am. Doing my best to hold it together for this first year of holidays, birthdays and keep a smile (no matter how fake it may be at times) on my face. Trying to ignore that you are coming up more and more in my conversations, and I am having to tell your grandsons on how much they will be missing out not having you here.

My biggest regret will always be that by my choices, I may have deprived them of something so amazing, and I can never give that back to them. All I can do is hope my memories and stories will be enough for them to realize, even through your faults, and our turbulent relationship, you were one of the greatest men on Earth. My heart and life will never be the same. I will always love you and I will always carry you with me.

Sadly, our time came to a close too soon. But now, I hope and pray you are up there looking down on us with Grandma Peggy and Marcia, Grandpa Don as well as Craig and Jamie. (Yes you stubborn mule, I know a lot more now then I did growing up.) Please rest easy knowing we will eventually be okay. This first year is just going to be super rough.