Dad

I know what it’s like to want to make your dad proud, but it seems like you can’t. I know what it feels like to want to do everything you can to make him proud. I know what it feels like to be the one that seems to always fuck up. I know what it feels like to be the disappointment. I know what it feels like to be the one that cannot do anything right. Seems as if he praises what ever one else is doing in their life expect what you are doing because you cannot do right. You made one mistake in your life, and it is like no matter what you do will ever be good enough. It seems as if you always fuck up, or you are doing too much, but nothing you ever do in your life will make him proud.

I know that feeling too. So, I get what it is like to try so hard to try to make someone else understand why you try so hard, but they don’t. I know what it feels like to want to tell your dad everything you’re doing right in your life, but you think it still won’t be enough to make him proud. I know what it feels like to try so fucking hard to try and be accepted in your life. I know what it is like to write the dear dad, and then erase the whole message because it just doesn’t feel like what you’re doing is even worth writing the message all the way out and pressing send. I know what it feels like to want to send the message but not want to send it at the same time because you feel that it will just be another one that means nothing. You have typed the same message out a million times, but it still isn’t enough. I know that feeling too. I often type out the same message and before I can press send, I erase it all because I don’t feel like it is worth the time for him to spend reading it just to tell me all that I am doing wrong and reading what he thinks I need to do better at, and what I need to change.

I know what it feels like to go from his favorite to the one that is his least favorite now. I know what it feels like, and it truly sucks. I know how it feels to be the one that he was always talking about and showing off to the one that he doesn’t want to talk about or tell people he is related to. I know the feeling of being the one that he probably hates. I know the feeling of just wanting to be the one he is proud of, just once in your life, you want to make him proud. You always wanted to be like him, but as you got older you learned that you couldn’t be like him because many things made it harder to do. No matter how much you wanted to and tried to be like him some things in life just don’t go as planned and it breaks your heart because you think that if you were like him, he’d be proud of you. You just wish you knew what would make him proud of you now, because you would do it if you can. You would do whatever you could in your power to make him proud because he is your dad and you just want to make him proud to be your dad no matter how hard and how much time it took just to make him proud of you once.