Christmas with my Family

.  My mom and dad took all of us to one or the other side of their families. We would all load up the Chevy Chevet. All seven of us, and take a three-hour trip.

Moms Folks

For mom's side, it was my great-grandma Speedy'. She was really Grandma Henry. But she had a dog named Speedy when I was very young. 

The poor beast died a long time ago, but the name stuck. This woman lived through so many generations. Each generation calls her by another name. My first grandma called her Mom, then my mom called her Granny, my much older siblings called her Grans, to me Grandma Speedy, and the younger generation than mine Grandma Patches Because she lost her eye to diabetes and wore a patch. She lost a toe also, but we couldn't think of a good one about a toe. So we just sent the next generation out looking for her toe.

Helen Henry had lived a hard and hungry life. She raised her family and then some of their families too, made it through the great depression with her life, bought her own home on Ouida Avenue, lived there till the repairs became too much for her to handle.

She changed locations and lived in a one-bedroom efficiency apartment. About 5 miles from St. Louis's Lambert airport. The planes would be so loud going over us. But I was young and loved that then.

The apartment was full of hooligans.

My mom, dad, sisters, and brother would show up. Mom had a family of five siblings, each of them had at least 2 kids, then five of my mother's aunts and cousins would join in with their kids. One time we counted 61 people in her small apartment.

The adults would all sit around a big round table. Getting snookered off Coke and bourbon, and talk about the time my dad walked home from the bar bare ass naked on a Sunday morning. The little old ladies were up waiting on their transportation to church. Oh yeah, how could I forget? He was buck naked, except for his wooden leg. 

Sleeping Arrangements 

 All the minors would crash on a giant pallet in grandma's living room. I don't know if the adults ever slept on these visits. If they did, it was because they passed out. On Christmas morning, we would all trade gifts. One way or the other, everyone got something. Then the women went to work at the same time in a kitchen barely big enough for one person. The whole time they were nudging each other for room and chasing two kids running in and weaving through the room. 

They would cook like crazy for the whole day.

Krogers

By 5:00 pm, it was time for a store run (AKA beer run).

Going to the store with my mother's family was an experience. 

It's like going to the store with Robin Williams, Scooby-Doo, and the mystery crew, Grape Ape, Scrappy-Doo, Barney Rubble. the 3 Edds from Ed, Edd, & Eddy, and Homer Simpson all at the same time and place. Trying to communicate with each other like there wasn't an entire store between us.

By the time we got back to the apartment, dinner would be ready. 

Christmas Dinner

They would stuff the big round table with different holiday items to eat. I don't know how we all sat down. We would all gather in the opened up living room and just landed on whatever.

Then Sunday morning rolled around. It marked the dreaded return of school. We always had a specific time to leave. Dad would not fight traffic. But what I have never asked is how he picks his specific time because it is never the same time of day.

My Daddy's Folks

Going to Grandma and Grandpa Smith was a tremendous culture shock from the other place. They lived on 50 acres with a big ranch-style home and a big ass pond. 

My dad's brother and sister would show up. It was much later that they had kids. 

My dad's brother was the spitting image of my dad, except he had crossed eyes.

His sister, Aunt Vicki, had a laugh no one could resist. I thought one day she was going to be a famous comedian.

These Grands

Grandpa Clyde Smith worked and retired from MacDonald Douglass (now it's called Boeing). His mom was still alive and lived in his basement. Grandma Barks, yep I'll get to her too. 

My Granddad was too smart for everyone's own good. Grandpa once accidentally smoked out their entire neighborhood with a diaper bomb. Every year, he built me a Walkman radio from scratch for my Christmas present. 

Grandma Smith was a tough old broad. She grew up with strong Jewish roots. You just can't help who you fall in love with. She was the woman that could out-drink the men. Not that I had ever seen her drink a drop of anything alcoholic. 

 If you bought her an expensive gift, she would get so upset. So after mom messed up and bought her matching lamps. She started buying her, a gift set of sausage and cheese instead. 

Grandma Mary Lou Smith followed suit and moved her parents in with them. Upstairs next to them just down the hall.

The late and great Grandma and Grandpa Gipson. 

 I have to explain these two first.

The quiet ones.

They weren't kid people. The only thing I can remember from them is that they both lost their hearing. She in her left ear and him in his right. While there at Christmas, they almost always stayed in their rooms. They were so quiet you wouldn't even know they were home. They could have lived in the attic for so long and you wouldn't even know.

Except for this one time. 

 All the adults were at the long table playing The Game of Risk.

 Suddenly, a joint passes by my face. 

I stare at everyone in disbelief.

What the hell were they doing here? This was not Grandma Speedy's. Things like this can fly there all the time. 

We were at my dad's parents' house, and that kind of stuff is frowned upon.

They had a big strawberry patch and cows. 

Now my dad is sitting here getting blown up. 

Jesus christ he just passed the joint to his grandpa. 

What the hell just happened. That man had to be 90 years old. But he just took a hit, off that joint like he's been doing it all his life. Then he handed that joint to his daughter, my grandma Smith. 

She looked at me, smiled, asked me if I minded. 

I just stood there with a blank stare of disbelief. This was just way too weird for my head to hold. 

So I nodded and left the room. 

Later on, we could hear them in there giggling. About the time they got my uncle's eyes fixed and made them straight. They stayed straight for about a week. Then one day he and dad were fighting and my dad hit him so hard it crossed his eye again.

I was thinking,

 When I grow up. I was going to need therapy. 

Because of the Christmas that my dad got my grandparents addicted to pot.

All about Charlie the dog.

Bertha Barks had a dog named Charlie. It was ironic at the time because he was a chihuahua and he barked all the damn time. From his side of the gate down in the basement, every time he would bark, it would be a bark so hard it made his little body jump up. God, that little dog was annoying. But his bark didn't stop me from visiting my favorite old lady. 

You know when you are young and the grown-ups tell you,

You can have it when I die?

This grandparent may be in the basement, but she's got a little of everything. 

She did craft time like crazy. Every day after lunch, we would take a walk down by the pond. In the summers, we used to swim in it. Till one day grandpa caught a fish that was covered with leeches.

 After that, we decided it was best to just walk around the pond as opposed to swimming in it. 

 On Christmas eve we could pick one present under the tree and open it. I always tried to pick out my coolest gift. But Grandpa got creative after all the years of my Walkman. And more than not, it was the gift that got opened on Christmas eve.

 Grandma would make a big pallet under the tree. Then us kids would try to stay awake by playing,

I spy with my little eye.

By the time the sun came up on Christmas day, we were sound asleep. 

 When it was actually morning and time to get up. My sister and I would run through the house, waking everybody else up. 

Everyone would plop down on the remnants of our pallet. 

Grandpa would work through the pile, passing everyone their gifts.

 Instead of the may lay of wrapping paper going everywhere at my great Grandma Speedy's house. We would take polite turns opening one gift at a time. 

 It was always almost more than my young brat heart could take. Waiting for both of my older sisters. Taking their time to not rip the stupid paper off of their stupid gifts.

Grandma Barks always sat between me and them. More than once I heard the phrase, 

Easy girly, wait your turn.

Come out of her mouth.

Finally, they would finish with their last gifts. That's when would jump up and shoot out the door. 

Grandma Smith and Mom thought it was a time every single Christmas that I take an active role in preparing the meal. 

Jesus, why don't they just marry me off. I hated doing "the women's stuff." That's why I always tried to make myself scarce. 

More extended family

While dinner was cooking, Dad would load half of us back in the car. We would drive another hour and a half to get his other kids. 

These two sisters and I shared our dad. I was just like them in every way. It kind of felt like coming home the first time I met his ex-wife.

They hopped into the car with us. My dad had to ride for an hour and a half listening to the chatter of at least five pre-teen and teen girls. Any guilt he had about living with them. Disappeared five minutes after we left.

When we got back to my grandparent's house, all of us kids would run around the vast yard or join in craft time in the basement.

By the time the food arrived, I was always about to die from starvation. 

Just heat the damn gravy up. Let's go.

Every time single time we went to my dad's folks' house for one reason or the other. I had to sit my ass down in a chair and be still. I guess it was time for my nap. 

We would eat leftovers for the rest of the night. The next day, dad took my sister's home. Then he'd come back and we would all load up. With our gift stepped securely on top of the car. Leaving for a three-hour trip.