Can You Raise Unstoppable Kids?

Why Children Fear Losing and How Parents Can Help

For a period, Joe was persistently fixated on achieving “first place.” In early education classes, whenever he completed a task, he’d seek my praise, asking, “Mom, am I number one?” His face would light up upon hearing a positive response, but he’d sulk when met with a less favorable answer.

I soon noticed that many children shared this behavior, eagerly seeking validation from their parents. However, if their expectations weren’t met, they wouldn’t easily give in.

This pattern isn’t unique to children; it’s also prevalent among adults who have what some call a “glass heart,” people who are sensitive and easily influenced by external opinions.

In today’s world, a significant number of children exhibit this “glass heart” phenomenon, with psychologists reporting that 46% of children in China suffer from it to varying degrees. Many of these children are cherished and pampered, receiving excessive attention, which fosters their fragility.

1. The Roots of Fragility

The fear of losing and the inability to handle failure often stem from childhood experiences and parental influences. Parents play a pivotal role in shaping their children’s perceptions and responses to competition and setbacks.

When parents excessively protect their children from the possibility of failure, it reinforces the notion that anything less than perfection is unacceptable. For instance, when a child is building blocks, parents might hover in fear of them falling, inadvertently instilling a sense that perfection is the only option.

2. Misguided Messages

Parents often convey three unintended messages:

“Results matter more than the process.” Overemphasizing the importance of winning, parents inadvertently steer their children toward a relentless pursuit of the top spot, making them incapable of accepting anything less.

“Safety is paramount; avoid risks.” Constantly warning children about potential harm deters them from taking calculated risks. Fear of failure looms large, stifling their creativity and resilience.

“You’re perfect, you’re the best.” Ineffective praise, offered too generously, leaves children unable to differentiate genuine achievements from empty accolades. This inflated self-esteem leads to a fear of losing the supposed “best” status.

3. The Role of Parents

Parents’ reactions to their children’s setbacks vary, affecting how children perceive and handle failure. Three types of parental responses emerge:

The Complaining Parent: This parent criticizes and belittles their child when they fail, compounding the child’s frustrations.

The Indifferent Parent: This parent dismisses the child’s concerns, assuming they’ll recover swiftly. This indifference amplifies the child’s negative emotions over time.

The Competitive Parent: This parent seeks to comfort their child by downplaying the significance of the failure. This approach may prevent children from grasping the real issue, impeding emotional growth.

4. Nurturing Resilience

Parents have a critical role to play in helping children overcome their fear of losing:

Empathize with Your Child: Understand that children’s emotional resources are limited. Be there for them when they encounter failures, allowing them to express their feelings. This validation fosters emotional security.

Highlight the Process: Stress the importance of the journey, not just the destination. Encourage children to enjoy the process, learn from setbacks, and not solely fixate on winning.

Encourage Reality Acceptance: Teach children that it’s normal to desire victory, but it’s equally normal to lose sometimes. Reiterate that failures are stepping stones to success and a part of everyone’s life.

Share Role Models: Introduce children to stories of successful individuals who’ve faced and learned from failure. These narratives help children normalize setbacks and understand that growth often stems from adversity.

In conclusion, parenting plays a fundamental role in shaping children’s attitudes toward competition and failure. Parents must strike a balance between nurturing their child’s self-esteem and resilience. By emphasizing the process, empathizing with their children, and promoting acceptance of reality, parents can help transform their children’s “glass hearts” into resilient, diamond-strong spirits.”

Thank you for reading!