Broken

I tipped my head back as I managed to swallow the last few dregs left of my lukewarm coffee. Olivia was on autopilot talking about her last exam.

“I don’t understand how people don’t enjoy maths. The satisfaction you feel after spending a good 10 minutes trying to solve the problem in front of you lets out all sorts of endorphins for me.” She grinned, sipping her coffee.

I smiled at Olivia, my sweet and confident best friend. It always made me laugh how people could start a conversation with her about nothing in particular and Olivia would leave them walking away thinking about their entire life decisions and how it affects the universe. Her honey blonde hair and deep blue eyes often sent out a different message to people rather than, “I’m a total brain box, ask me anything.”

“Well, I’m certainly not one for maths but if it gets you into Nottingham with me then that’s all I care about.” I said to her as she laughed.

“Are you ready?”

“Yeah, I need to get back to Mum and Dad. I haven’t seen them all day. Can you believe they lecture me about getting up at the crack of dawn to go for a run and be at college on time, yet today they lay in bed until after I leave the house?” I exasperate.

“Not anymore. Not now you’re free.” Olivia grinned, linking my arm as we walked towards the car park.

I pulled into the driveway and lent back against the seat. I had 8 weeks of complete freedom stretched out ahead of me and no idea what to do with them. I glanced in the mirror to see my green eyes staring back at me, hair piled up in a bun on top of my head. If my parents mentioned my dishevelled appearance, I might give up hope and just except the fact I’m supposed to be an unemployed adolescent for the rest of my life, not a Psychologist.

I walked through the front door to hear music playing from the kitchen. The sound of Norah Jones poured out into the hallway as I made my way to the kitchen door. As I pushed it open, I saw my parents standing there with their backs towards me, Dad’s head resting on Mum’s shoulder swaying to the music as dinner cooked on the stove. I leant against the door frame and smiled. My parents were childhood sweethearts and had been married 22 years. Some people at college don’t believe in that type of love anymore, but if one thing was for sure after all this time, it was that they were completely and utterly head over heels in love with each other still.

“You guys having fun?” I said after awhile.

My mum turned round and smiled.

“Marley, you’re home my love.” I was swept up in a wave of my mum’s busy hair as she enveloped me in a hug. I don’t know what it is about mothers, but my whole world could be crashing down and as soon as I’m in my mum’s embrace I feel like everything is always going to be okay.

“Rosa, let our daughter breathe please.” My father, Robert, a tall, well dressed and respected Irish business man, walked over and gave me a half-hearted one armed hug.

“Where have you been?”

Inside I rolled my eyes. I’d never been very close with my Dad and he didn’t take much of an interest in me, but it was like he made more of an effort to interact with me when Mum was around.

“Robert, she’s just got home. Let her take her shoes and coat off first.” My mother chuckled whilst checking on dinner. She always cooks the most amazing Spanish food.

“It’s okay Mum. I went for coffee with Olivia after our exam.” I said taking off my shoes. “It was nice to spend some time with her seeming all we’ve been doing is cramming for exams.”

“I see.” My dad muttered sitting down at the table.

“How is Olivia? She has not been around here for a while.” My mother asked laying plates out for us.

“Yeah, she’s great, confusing the whole planet with her wisdom as usual.”

My mother’s laugh filled the kitchen, echoing off the walls and erasing any of the anxiety I had felt from the way my Dad had been with me. She sat down and started dishing dinner up. We talked through dinner about how my last exam went and what I planned to do for the summer. Dad got up halfway through supper and left the kitchen to take a phone call from a number I didn’t recognise. He’s been doing that a lot lately. I ignored it though and carried on chatting away with mum.

“So, I was thinking my lovely princesa... because you’ve been working so hard, I thought we could go and get our nails done in the morning! What do you think?”

I smiled as Mum held my cheek in her hand. “I would love that.” I said as Dad returned.

“I have to go out for a little while, Rosa. I won’t be long.” He said, only addressing Mum.

“But, darling. Our princesa, she’s done so well I thought we could all spend the evening together for a change.” Sadness filled my Mum’s voice as my Dad rolled his eyes at Mum’s nickname for me.

“Rosa, please. I will be back within a couple hours.”

“Within a couple of hours! Robert, where are exactly are you going?” Mum’s dark green eyes narrowed. My father shifted his weight and sighed as my Mum’s eyes widened.

“Robert, no saldrás de esta casa cuando esta noche sea sobre tu princesa y lo bien que lo ha hecho. Si ese es Vinny volviendo a llamar, te juro que si no has vuelto, lo haré -”

“Rosa!” My Dad said sharply. “I’m just meeting someone from work on the other side of town.” She frowned. He bent down to my Mum and cupped her face with both hands. “Mi alma, I will be back as soon as I can.” He said stroking her cheeks. Dad may not have a brilliant relationship with me, but there is no doubt in the love he has for my mum. The way he speaks to her, calms her, laughs with her; it’s so real.

“Okay.” Mum said kissing him.

He stood back up and looked at me, all the love he had in his eyes in that moment was now gone. “Well done for your exams, Marley. I think it would be wise to try and find a job for the summer. I’ll see you both later.” And with that he was gone.

I lay in bed that night, looking out the window at the cloudy stars. I couldn’t shake the feeling that I had done something earlier in life to upset my Dad, but the more I thought about it, the more I realised that he had never even shown me a shred of the love he showed my Mum. Why?

I heard a car pulling up in the drive way next to mine. I turned and looked at the clock. It was 1:15am. He had been gone nearly 7 hours. Where had he been? I heard the front door go and keys chucked on the table. Mum had fallen asleep on the sofa; I could still hear the buzz of the TV. The sound of the living door being pulled too travelled up the stairs and into my bedroom. He must have decided to sleep downstairs with Mum.

I rolled over in bed and faced the wall and tried to go to sleep. I don’t know how long I’d been asleep or if I even was asleep, but a bad smell soon filled my nostrils and I had the weirdest feeling that someone was watching me. I told myself I was being silly and that I was half asleep, but then I heard footsteps coming closer to my bed. I was wide awake now and the smell of alcohol hit me. I wasn’t dreaming. Deep breathing filled the room, and I heard somebody mutter, “Why did you have to ruin everything, try and take her love from me.”

Jesus Christ. It was my Dad. I laid there praying that he would turn around and leave. After a few minutes, I heard my door being pulled too and I let out a big breath, not realising I’d been holding it. I rolled over onto my back. I knew my Dad never bonded with me on a normal level, but hearing him say those things hurt. I got up and crept to my door, checking the landing. I looked down the staircase and the living room door was completely shut now. He must have gone back down, I thought to myself. I turned round and went and got back in bed, closing my bedroom door behind me. I lay facing the door, trying to make sense of what just happened. I don’t know how long I laid there before I finally fell asleep. But even sleep brought the cruellest of dreams.

I stood in the shower letting the warm water cascade over my dark brown locks and down my milky coloured skin. I tried to stop thinking about what happened last night but I couldn’t. I wanted to tell Mum, or even Olivia, but then what would happen? Mum wouldn’t believe me because she’s so in love and Olivia would move me out the house without a second glance. I know he was drunk, but it’s clear that my own father really hates me. I turned the shower off, wrapped myself in a towel and went to my bedroom.

“Marley, our nail appointment is in 45 minutes – get a move on princesa.”

“I won’t be long.” I called to her back down the stairs.

I sighed getting dressed and quickly dried my hair and applied some make up before I made my way downstairs. Dad’s car wasn’t in the driveway. I was relieved to say the least. I picked up my car keys. There was no way I was letting Mum drive my car.

“Mum, will you ever get sick of playing Norah Jones?” I asked her as I drove down the countryside into town.

“Darling, of course I won’t, but I’ll change the song.” All of a sudden I could feel my car shaking from bass as Mum changed the song to ‘Love to Me’ by Dimension. My eyes widened and I glanced at her. How the hell does she know this song? She was laughing and throwing her hands everywhere as the beat picked up.

“Mum, stop, please.” I laughed. “You’re so embarrassing.”

“WHAT? I CAN’T HEAR YOU OVER THIS REALLY GOOD SONG.” She shouted.

I continued to laugh. “You are such a big child.”

“Of course! Everything and anything to keep my princesa entertained!” She giggled and winked.

I rolled my eyes. “I love you, Mum.”

“I love you too, Marley.” She turned the music up louder. I laughed and nodded my head along to the beat whilst she continued to demonstrate no sense of rhythm at all. Suddenly she stopped dancing.

“Marley! Watch -”

Then everything went black.

I made my way out of the churchyard, following behind my father's heavy footsteps. Everyone kept coming up to us and telling us both how sorry they were for our loss. I don’t even know what I was replying. I don’t even know who I was talking to. I felt so numb. My sole rock in this life was dead.

A driver had been coming up to a junction without even looking as we drove past and had gone straight into the passenger side of my car. Mum took all the impact and was pronounced dead as soon as the paramedics arrived. Meanwhile, I got away with a fractured arm, concussion and severe whiplash. I’m still trying to process what has happened. Dad hasn’t spoken a single word to me since it happened.

He arrived at the crash site and was distraught. He was in complete despair. I have never seen anyone look so broken. Seeing him like that only made me cry more. I made my way over to him from the ambulance, but as soon as I touched his shoulder he turned on me. I closed my eyes as memories of that day came flooding back to me...

“What have you done? How could this have happened!” He shouted at me looking deranged. I took a step back.

“Dad...” I gulped. “This wasn’t our fault. I wasn’t even speeding. We were dancing and then it just happened. No one could have stopped it.”

My Dad’s eyes widened. He looked insane. “OUR FAULT? OUR FAULT!”

I stepped back again. Tears were streaming down my eyes. The police officers looked over at the scene that was unravelling. “Mine and Mum’s... it wasn’t our fault.” I stammered.

Dad took a step towards me, his eyes filled with hate. “I will never forgive you for this Marley.” He said coldly, and with that he turned on his heel towards the ambulance taking Mum’s body away and left.

When I opened my eyes again, warm tears were streaming down my cheeks. I made my way across the road, away from all the people I couldn’t cope with seeing, and leant against the wall taking in the view. It really was a beautiful day for us to be saying goodbye to Mum.

After a while, I felt a small warm hand place itself in mine. I looked to my left and Olivia was standing next to me, looking at the view. She didn’t say anything. She just stood and watched with me, all the while holding my hand. After a while, she turned to face me.

“I’m not going to tell you I’m always here for you because you know that, but I get it. I get what you’re going through.”

I turned and looked at Olivia. I don’t know how I would get through this without her. Dad hadn’t spoken to me since that day. Without Olivia, I was alone. She lost her brother in a fishing accident when they were kids so she can understand what I’m feeling. I squeezed her hand and smiled at her.

“Has he still not spoken to you?” I’d told Olivia what happened, but I’d made an excuse for him saying it must be down to grief and his way of dealing with things.

“Not yet.”

“I’m sure he will come around eventually. Today has been difficult.” She said sympathetically. “I can understand if you want to be with your Dad tonight, but you are more than welcome to come and stay at mine.”

“Thank you.” I said, embracing her in a hug.

“Speak of the Devil and the Devil will come.” Olivia muttered. I pulled back.

“What?”

“Your Dad is walking over here.”

“Oh.” I turned to look and true to her word, my Dad was crossing the road towards us.

“I’ll give you some time alone.” Olivia turned to my Dad. “Robert.” She nodded at him before walking off.

I turned back to look over the fields and hills as the sun shone down upon them. I don’t know how much time passed before I decided to speak.

“Mum always loved this view. We would walk to this spot all the time when I was young, just to see how beautiful the hills and the trees were.” I turned to look at Dad; nothing. He just carried on staring ahead. I didn’t even care that he wasn’t talking to me now. I had Olivia and today was about Mum. I took in the last few moments of looking over the countryside before turning round to cross back over the road.

“Marley?”

Did my ears just deceive me? He’s talking to me. I turned back around.

“Yes Dad?”

He carried on looking into the distance before speaking. “I want you to know that when you go to bed tonight, when you close your eyes and think of your mother, all of this, your mother’s death... it is entirely your fault.”

I closed my eyes as fresh tears fell from my eyes. I couldn’t take this. He was supposed to be my Dad. I turned to make my way back over the road when he spoke again.

“Oh and Marley? Don’t call me Dad anymore.”