Breaking Up Is Hard To Do

Breaking up is hard to do. You have to rip asunder all the ties that bind, shred all the threads that intertwine and connect and make you a couple, undo a relationship you thought would last forever.

You will be forever haunted by nostalgic flashes when that certain song comes on the radio, reminding you of a happier time when life was beautiful and your significant other was “the perfect one.”

When you drive by your old favorite restaurant or bar where you used to celebrate the highlights, the triumphs, and sometimes even the sadder times in your relationship. When your old favorite shared movies come on tv.

Almost inevitably, you will lose friends you made as a couple. People choose sides and some of them will blame you or support you and others will stick with your former mate’s version of why it happened and who’s really at fault.

They will blithely assign blame and say it was either your fault or your partner’s fault, but they will all have an opinion.

Statistics say that many marriages today are doomed to failure. I am talking here about formalized, state-sanctioned legal marriages, approved by, enabled, and blessed by the state and the society and the various religious communities a couple may belong to.

Marrying too young, marrying to please your family, marrying just because you thought you had to because of a surprise pregnancy are all too prevalent. But at least you have some stamp of official approval. Getting legally married is easy. Getting legally divorced is lots harder and can get messy.

But besides the rise in divorce proceedings the last few generations have had to endure, there are millions more individual, non-sanctioned, long-term relationships that break up, fragment and run aground on a daily basis. Living together, cohabiting, common law, shacking up, call it what you will, it’s all the same.

What about them, how do they get the emotional catharsis, and the feeling of closure that legal divorce is supposed to provide in these cases? This is the hardest part.

If there are no children involved, this is a relatively easier process. Marriage at least in part was intended to provide for the welfare of the children, and with no custody battles or large property settlements, both parties can pretty much walk away with what they came into the relationship with.

Whatever the feelings and nuances of being together between the members of a couple, be they a man and a woman or a gay, lesbian or transgender couple, the social and emotional dynamics are still the same. I am talking here about everyday people, gay or straight, who drift into and out of romantic relationships, not one-night stands or FWBs. These are for convenience.

What about those couples not officially sanctioned by the state and/or protected by the courts, and who have relatively simple relationships with no children involved? I am talking about serious relationships where like-minded people move in together and live together without state-mandated blessings, sanctions, or penalties. Still, breaking up is hard to do!

It all usually starts out in high school, exchanging class rings, going to school dances and events, and teenage crushes that last throughout high school. These often founder when one or both members of the couple go off to college. It extends into college relationships, where like-minded couples meet and pair off, with or without the goal of becoming officially married.

If you never go to college, there are always work-related relationships that come into play. If not, there are the endless rituals of “hooking up” that young people go through to meet each other.

They may meet at singles bars, internet dating sites, church groups, or through mutual friends. Or just going to endless rounds of parties, concerts, or singles/mingles events. Some venues are always available.

The urge to merge is strong in the young, it is a biological imperative. And it is a fact of life, it cannot be disputed, it is a basic part of human nature. Success amongst young people is measured in large part by one person’s attractiveness to another, and to other people, and the most attractive people tend to pair off fairly early.

That leaves the rest of us, but even so, even if we are bouncing out of a failed relationship, we are always open to starting another one. But herein lies the problem, the hard part once again. Breaking up is hard to do…

We all enter into these relationships expecting and hoping for the best. We are social animals, and nobody wants to be left behind, nobody wants to feel unattractive and unwanted. We are initially attracted to another person for a variety of reasons.

It may be their looks, commonly shared interests, geographical proximity like work or living in the same neighborhood, economic status, or the prospects of boosting their economic status by pooling their resources.

It may be as simple as their seemingly simpatico sense of feeling like they do about each other and sharing the same general world views at some point.

This is all well and good, in fact, it is perfectly natural and human. But the thing is, we all change with age, we all either grow and evolve or stagnate and end up unhappy and bickering.

For one reason or another, those same charming habits and gestures, those same political or social viewpoints that initially attracted us to our significant others all too often become increasingly annoying, frustrating, and eventually repugnant to us.

We feel duped, and cheated, we feel that we have sold ourselves short, made the wrong choice, and that we could do better with another person. But again, breaking up is hard to do…

The reason for this is that when you live together with another person for several years, you become a part of a whole. You subconsciously surrender your individuality for the couple’s concept, the couple’s viewpoint, the couple’s way of life, love, and enjoyment.

So when it all comes crashing down in a flaming sea of bitter recriminations and hurt feelings, when it becomes increasingly obvious that you are developing different interests, friendships, and goals, that’s the breaking point.

When you have ideas and plans that the other person either cannot or will not accede to, when bickering and arguing are your only means of communication. When you reach the point of living separate lives together under one roof, you know deep inside, it’s over.

You become more like roommates than lovers, bound together only by economic necessity rather than affection and friendship. And at this point, whether you realize it or not, the relationship is already irrevocably over, the magic is gone, and it is time to move on.

But no matter what, or when, or who, it is a fact of life:

Breaking up is hard to do…