Being Present

Today one of my fears came true, my Gramma has died before she was able to attend my wedding. I am glad that she is free from any pain or struggles and she is able to dance with my Papa in heaven, but of course, it still hurts.

Last year, my Gramma had a fall which led to more health problems and her living in an assisted living facility. My father, who is in his 70s, got Covid-19 and pneumonia and ended up on a ventilator for a short period of time last year. Ever since those events happened, I have had the fear of one or both of them passing before my wedding which is later this year. I would obviously want them to be around longer for other reasons as well, but I was hoping we would have the memories and pictures of them at the wedding.

When my Papa passed away 7 years ago, I was in high school and the grief was too much for me. I was closest to my Papa so his death hit me harder than I could even explain. I was also going through other mental health problems so it was all piling up. Instead of really dealing with it, I just shut down. Whenever he is brought up in conversation or I think about it too much, I still break down. I want to do things differently this time while I grieve my Gramma.

The way that my Gramma passed was a different experience than how my Papa passed as well so I hope that it might help this time be better. My Papa was on a ventilator and hearing the sound of it coming out was difficult to hear. My Gramma passed away in the hospital more unexpectedly so I was unable to see her in the hospital before she passed, but I think that not seeing her like that has made it easier.

I may completely change my mind after I see her at the funeral home, but at this moment I think I am doing better than I expected. I think it will most likely hit me harder after everything is settled and the funeral is over. I don't process emotions well in front of others so I have a feeling that I will break down once everyone leaves town and my fiancé goes to work and I'm at home alone. I wish that I could cry with everyone else and show emotion in what seems to be a normal way, but I'm still not to that point.

Nevertheless, I am going to try to be present during my grieving process this time. I have no memory of my Papa's funeral or a lot of the time afterwards while his death was fresh. I want to be able to remember my Gramma's funeral and focus on the good memories of her. I want to be mentally present when relatives come to town and reminisce together. I don't want to disassociate through everything that is going to happen over the upcoming week.

I'm thankful that I got to have her around for as long as I did because my grandmother on my dad's side passed away shortly after I was born so I never really knew her. I got the opportunity to travel with both my grandparents when I was younger and live with my grandmother for a while during college. I know she would want us to be happy that she's in heaven with Papa and not be sad to the point of blocking it all out so that is what I will do. I will still mourn her and give myself time to heal, but I will do my best to remain present and feel the pain so I can move forward in life.

"If there ever comes a day when we can't be together, keep me in your heart, I'll stay there forever." - Winnie the Pooh