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Being a mom

What does that really mean?

By Hannah York Published about a year ago 4 min read
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Being a mom is both the best thing about me and the hardest thing I’ve ever done. My daughter is 7 weeks old, and I love her more than anything in the world. But the newborn phase is not all sunshine and rainbows. Nobody talks about the tough parts, or the parts that almost break you. No one mentions the many times a day you question your ability to be a mom. Nobody brings up your lonely and isolating it can be once things calm down and people stop checking in and visiting. I wasn’t warned about any of that.

Don’t get me wrong, I knew having a baby wouldn’t be easy. I knew we would have huge adjustments to make in every aspect of our life. I knew sleep would be hard to come by. But I thought by 2 months in we might have figured something out by now. Everyone keeps saying “it gets better,” but no one says when. I feel like we keep taking 1 step forward and 10 steps backwards every time we try to get something figured out with the baby.

I should mention before I get much further that my pediatrician thinks I’ve got some degree of postpartum depression. My anxiety is through the roof, and I don’t feel like myself in the slightest. I struggle hourly with the internal conflict of, “I want time away from my baby so I can take care of Hannah,” and, “I can’t go anywhere because what if my baby needs me and no one else can help her.”

I spend a lot of time wondering if there’s anything more I can do for my daughter. I don’t want to fail her in any way. But sometimes, when she’s inconsolable and nothing I do calms her down, I feel like a bad mom to her. I feel like I should know how to comfort her, and I am failing her because I can’t. During those times, I’m not sure who cries more, me or her. I am writing this with greasy hair and an empty stomach, because I feel like taking care of myself compromises my ability to take care of my daughter.

I haven’t even mentioned how alone I feel these days. I have my husband with me everyday, and he helps in more ways than I could have ever expected him to. He’s an amazing husband and dad, and I love that I have so much support in him. But it’s everyone else who stopped checking in, who stopped asking to visit. The ones who said, “let me know if you need anything, I’ll be there!” Who suddenly just aren’t there. It’a like people forget that my daughter is still a newborn/infant and taking care of her is still hard. I still need help doing housework or cooking or taking care of myself. I still need help feeling like a human being, because currently my most constant companion can’t talk back to me.

And asking for help is hard, because society has taught mothers that they’re supposed to be able to do it all. Everything I see on social media are moms who seem to have it all together. The ones who seem to have a seamless schedule, the ones who have easy going babies, and the ones who never question their ability to succeed at this mom thing. I see the ones who have babies who sleep through the night and take bottles and know how to self soothe. Because no one talks about the bad things, and that’s why I was so unprepared for so many of the feelings I’ve been having. And no one gives moms realistic expectations on what to expect.

It’s normal that my baby doesn’t sleep through the night right now. Her stomach isn’t big enough to go an entire night without food right now. And it’s normal that my baby can’t self soothe, she’s not even old enough to know that she’s not a part of me anymore. It’s normal for my baby to still want to contact nap and co-sleep, because her mom and dad make her feel safe. All of this is normal, but social media sets such an unreal expectation for what to expect during the first couple of months of having a baby.

Basically, what I’m saying is that no matter how you feel, you aren’t alone. Chances are, someone else is feeling the exact same way, or someone you know felt that was at some point. And not asking for help is just going to make it worse. It’s okay to not have it all together, and it’s okay to feel like the world is caving in around you sometimes. But remember, even if it’s really deep down, that this stage isn’t going to break you anymore than you can handle. You were picked to be your baby’s mom because you can do this. I’m not saying it’s going to be easy. It’s not. Like I said in the beginning, this is one of the hardest things I’ve ever done. And I don’t know when it gets better yet. But I do know that every time I look at my daughter, I remember that I CAN do this, and I AM a good mom. But I also know that I am allowed to and I will talk about the tough things, because moms deserve to be prepared as much as possible. You are not alone.

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About the Creator

Hannah York

On 06/14/2016, my cousin committed suicide, and there were a lot of unanswered questions. After that, I decided that I didn't want to leave anything unanswered, so this page is a place for me to write anything and everything on my mind.

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