Being a Loving Mother to Volunteer Assassin in Less than 10 Seconds Flat

I felt enraged. Like a madwoman. I’d gone from being a normal loving mother to a volunteer assassin in less than 10 seconds flat. True story.

Only a parent understands how it feels at the exact time they learn their child has been hurt in some way. Regardless of whether the action was intentional or accidental. The first initial raw reaction is panic. Not just regular panic. But rather a full-blown textbook panic attack.

There’s an onset of intense fear and discomfort. Usually followed by a multitude of symptoms. Including palpitations, a pounding heart, accelerated heart rate, sweating, trembling, or shaking. And shortness of breath. Or the feeling of being smothered.

It is a horrible experience, to say the least. I would wish it on no one. However. This would be a futile wish. Because as we all know. Things happen.

Second 1: The Normal Loving Mother

It was a regular Saturday afternoon drive home. I was in the car with my husband and sister. I’d decided to call our oldest son to say hello. He’s 25 years old. He’d moved into his own apartment with a roommate about five months earlier.

The first part of the phone call was the usual small talk. The normal stuff. But the normalcy was short-lived. It wasn’t long after the small talk when I heard 7 words that changed the trajectory of the conversation.

Our son said, “I had a bad experience last night”. As soon as those words came through the car radio speakers. It was on. The transformation had begun.

Seconds 2–4: Palpitations and a Pounding Heart

I tried to remain calm in my tone as both my husband and I harnessed our 25-year parenting skills and calmly simultaneously uttered the words “what happened”? Side note. There is no drill for this type of parental experience.

Functional parents do not want their children harmed or hurt. Period. No parent (I reiterate functional) is ever really prepared to hear their child’s “bad experience” conversations. Parents take no pleasure in having to listen to their child detail a “bad experience”. We know we must do it from time to time. But we don’t want to. And it doesn’t matter whether they’re five or twenty-five.

Seconds 5–7: Sweating, Trembling, Shaking

“I got jumped on last night,” he said. “But I’m Ok.

I remember a feeling of numbness and a tingling sensation under my armpits. My internal temperature started to rise.

When? Where? Who? What happened? Why?

As our son took his time to painstakingly respond to our forced calm but rapid-fire questions. I could feel the rage building up inside of me with every additional detail about the experience.

By the time he answered the “What Happened” and “Why” questions. The onset of my rage was like a vengeful antagonist lurking in the shadows. Ready to pounce at any moment.

Seconds 8–10: Shortness of Breath and Feeling Smothered Enraged

“I think they did it cuz they knew I was gay,” he said.

Not that it should matter but it does. My son is Black and he happens to be gay. And unfortunately in a society and culture where homophobia can at times be likened to holiness. These are details that matter.

The Spiral into the Abyss

I was enraged.

The three perpetrators had made the choice to jump on our son because in their eyes it is not “OK” to be gay. I suppose they believed they needed to give him a lesson about what would and wouldn’t be tolerated in the spaces they frequent.

The altercation happened outside of a neighborhood convenience store. Eventually, a store employee who saw what was happening came out and ran the perpetrators off. They jumped into their car and sped off into the night. Free to wreak more havoc on some other innocent victim of their choosing.

And just like that. This normally loving mother turned voluntary assassin. I immediately hated the 3 young men who had assaulted our son. I wanted them dead. Every single one of them. Just like that. The sooner it could be done the better in my book. I would do it for free. Note to self, the car was a silver Mercedes with out of town plates. The occupants were young 3 black males.

What usefulness is there for humans who beat up other humans just because they don’t approve of them or their lifestyle? None, I concluded without hesitation. Humans who go around beating up other humans based on irrational reasons are completely useless. Period. Surely the world would be better off without them.

In less than 10 seconds flat. I had become a loving mother turned volunteer assassin. At the time I was convinced. The perpetrators’ expulsion from humanity would make the world a better place for everyone. I would do the job for free.

A Return Back To Normal but Never the Same

Of course, the first thing on our agenda was to get to him. We needed to assess the damage ourselves as well as love and comfort him with our actions and not just words. Thanks to his defense posture of contorting into a human ball. His assurances that his physical bruises were minor were accurate. It’s the scars from the mental trauma that he now has to carry for the rest of his life. And so do we.

It’s been a couple of months since this happened. But being the rational mature adult that I am. I have relinquished my loving mother turned volunteer assassin role. I’ve returned back to my normal self again although I am forever changed.

Anytime I think about the experience of our son’s assault it still makes me angry. However. I realize that the most effective way to channel my anger is to advocate for change. The hard truth is the 3 young Black male perpetrators who committed the assault on our son are also sons to some other mother.

And although I will never know how they were raised by their mother. Nor what their experience in their families and community have been. I do believe something I recently read.

Adults who participate in homophobia create kids that do the same. ~George M. Johnson in All Boys Aren’t Blue

Although in general overall the world is changing in a positive direction for LGBTQ acceptance and inclusion. Unfortunately within Black families and communities homophobia yet remains an issue in need of much improvement. So I would add “and communities” to the statement quoted above. Adults and communities who participate in homophobia create people both young and old that do the same.

Advocate, Write, Encourage, Inspire and Re-Educate

So I decided to channel the rage I experienced in another more positive direction. I will write about it. This loving mother turned volunteer assassin will instead use words and my voice. Currently in progress but coming soon on Medium a newly created publication. BMIST4lgbtq. Look for it.

I will advocate by making a clarion call to other mothers in support of their LGBTQ children, family, and friends. Specifically Black mothers with home I naturally share a unique and common bond. My vision is for us to build a tribe of support for our own (as well as all other) LGBTQ members within the Black community while encouraging others to do the same. All who support us are welcome to join us.

By doing so we will help to chip away at old, expired, and negative thoughts and beliefs regarding our LGBTQ family and friends and replace them with new and positive ones that better serve all Black families and the communities at large.

In other words. Homophobia BMIST4lgbtq is coming at you and there’s nothing you can do about it! Change is inevitable!

Until the next time…

Much Love & Peace

Carla Dee

P.S.

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Click here to read Vocal Staff Pick : 5 Reasons Black Mothers Support their LGBTQ Children

Click here to read: LGBT Children and Matters of a Mother’s Heart